


In The Safety Of Magical World

by flyflyhighup



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 84,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyflyhighup/pseuds/flyflyhighup
Summary: The Dark Lord comes upon a new prophecy about a Muggle whose soul could be used to ensure immortality even if all the Horcruxes get destroyed. To escape this fate, a non-wizard, more special than even Harry Potter, needs to hide. No better place than Hogwarts to experience friendship, love, hate, passion, and danger.P.S. I love reviews.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Original Male Character(s), Harry Potter/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

_**Prologue.** _

The Hogwarts Express was rushing forward and the low, clanging sound of the large iron wheelset had a strangely calming effect. The Autumn had started with an anticipated yet unpleasant, gloomy weather. The pouring rain looked like a waterfall all over the windowpanes, huge droplets of water were rolling down the glass, making the landscape outside blurry and invisible. And I was hoping on catching a few sights on my way to Hogwarts, as I was unsure if I was ever going to take this route again. 

It was September 1rst, a little past 3 pm. I was sitting alone in an empty compartment of the very last carriage. Aside from the cling-clang of the train, raindrops pounding the window, the subtle chatting, and occasional laughter coming from other compartments, it was pretty quiet. However, when I got here this morning, I thought I would lose my mind from all the noise.

Students were dragging their heavy trunks through the hallway. The Express was whistling. The chirping of owls, meowing of cats and croaking of toads mixed with the dozens of voices of students and their parents, creating an insufferable cacophony that made me want to cover my ears. I hated loud noises as that easily gave me a headache.

My navy blue, a bit tatty traveling bag was sitting beside me. The last time I blew the dust off of it was two years ago when my family and I went on vacation in the USA. Now it was packed all the way to zippers, filled with clothes, shoes, toiletries, and other things I thought could be necessary and useful for nine months. So far, only the trolley lady had visited me, offering food and drinks but I was neither hungry nor thirsty. Being the economical person that I was, I wasn’t willing to spend the money I had for something I could do without. 

Ironically, the desired silence gave me a dreadful feeling of loneliness and isolation, reminding me once more that I don’t belong here. I was on my way to Hogwarts, yet I had no business being there. I was not a wizard and had no idea about the existence of the magical world until a few days ago. August 27th was the day my life turned upside down.


	2. Chapter 2

My name is Thomas Winters and I’m nothing special, just an ordinary guy. As August was approaching its end, I was doing the same things a regular teenager does when summer comes to a completion. I was having nature picnics with my friends, enjoying the last sunshine that wasn’t nearly as warm anymore as it used to be in June and July. I was sharing a boy talk with my father as we were fishing in the nearby river. I was fearlessly swimming in the lake, that was so deep it took a life or two every year.

My mother and I worked in the garden in our backyard harvesting berries, pruning summer flowering shrubs once the blooms were finished, and topping up birdbaths. We were having a steaming BBQ with our neighbors every weekend. I was hiking, camping, and going to movies like I had done every August of my life. And I had no reason to think this August was going to end differently.

August 27th was nothing more than a usual Thursday at my house. It was a little before 8 pm, I remember that clearly because the news my father watches religiously every evening, starts at 8 pm sharp and he was already sprawled in the armchair in front of the TV. The setting sun was casting brilliant, wine red glow through the windows and the temperature had dropped to 65°F or so. A light summer breeze was moving the long lace curtains in our living room. Two days ago we had celebrated my 17th birthday. 

We had recently finished eating supper and the chemical smell of detergent, tinkling of knives, and forks along with sloshing of water in the sink came from the kitchen as my mother was doing dishes. I was going through my school supplies and packing the bag for the 1rst of September. All of my education years I had spent in the same school that was merely two blocks away from my house. This was supposed to be my last year of high school after which I would finally graduate. I hadn’t decided yet what I was going to do after.

That was when I noticed a movement in our front yard. Peeking through the curtain, I saw two tall figures, partly hidden by the long, pitch-black shadows left by the sun that was sinking behind the horizon. As I watched the two strangers marching rapidly towards the front door, I felt cold chills running down my spine. Our front yard was fenced and the gate was definitely locked. I did it myself. I shot a quick glance towards the fence only to see that the gate wasn’t broken or even opened. So these people probably climbed over the fence where we couldn’t see it and if that didn’t scream ” thugs”, I didn’t know what did. Folks with good intentions normally rang the bell instead of crawling into people’s properties without permission.

Our house had never been broken into before and when the two strange silhouettes disappeared between the apple trees, growing right next to our front porch, I threw the school bag away and jumped to my feet. Anxious, I hurried out of my room to warn my parents but it was too late. The moment I stepped over the living room doorstep, there was a persistent knock on the door. 

I froze in place, hoping that whoever they were, would go away if no one answered the door. That didn’t work. My father looked aside from the TV for just a moment and turned his head to the door, but didn’t get up to open it. He hated being disturbed when watching TV and ignored any hindrance until somebody else took care of it. 

Another three knocks rattled on the oak-tree coating of our door. My mother came out of the kitchen and looked at the door, then at my father and me. Her brows furrowed as she was wiping her hands into her apron, wrapped tightly around her waist. 

” Thomas, Ben! Are you both deaf or what? Answer the door, I’m busy! ”

” Wait, mom! ” I stopped her when she was turning towards the door to open it herself if her men were that lazy. ” I saw somebody in the front yard. Looked like they climbed over the fence or something because I locked the gate and somehow they got in. Who knows who they are, don’t open the door. ” 

My mother stayed in place, her facial expression growing more and more concerned with every word I spoke. Father turned off the TV and fished out a baseball bat from under the couch. Unlike our neighbors, we had no guns in the house to use for protection. Both of my parents were strictly against it. As I was contemplating whether this would be the right moment to call the police, the knocking on the door grew louder, gradually turning into an ear-piercing banging. Our front door was shaking in its hinges from the blows delivered from the outside. Hot sweat prickled all over my body and I reached for the house phone to call the cops.

Then a small flash of bright light shone through the keyhole and the door opened. On the doorstep, there were two people, a man, and a woman. They were both visibly elderly and looked very odd. The woman was wearing an emerald green cloak over a long black dress and a high, wide-brimmed hat, crooked at the top, and a feather attached to it. At the front of her neck an antique, silver brooch was pinned onto the collar of her dress. Her face was slightly wrinkly and very serious. The woman’s eyes darted over us and when she saw me, the uneasiness in her face turned into relief.

The man next to her had an even more bizarre look. He was dressed in what looked like a silver nightgown or dress with long sleeves. The robe was so long it hit the floor and hid his shoes. The man had a long, white beard and hair that reached almost waist length. On his head sat a grey tassel hat and in his long, slender fingers he was holding a wooden stick with glow at the tip.

” Who the hell are you? ” my father roared, raising the baseball bat for a blow. ” How dare you enter a private property like that? Out of my house, both of you! Out, before I call the police! ” 

The bearded man looked at us with an incredibly kind look in his eyes, as if there wasn’t an angry, middle-aged man with a beer belly swinging a bat almost in his face. My mother and I stepped back from the uninvited guests and a knot of nervousness formed deep in my stomach. 

” Our apologies, sir, ” the old man said in a calm, comforting voice, ” since no one was coming to the door, we got a little worried. Don’t be frightened. Put your weapon down. We mean no harm. ”

My family huddled together, nobody had the courage to say anything. I let go of the phone receiver. There was something unique about the people in front of us. An imperceptible, mysterious aura encircled them, I could feel it in the walls of our house. It gave me an unearthly sensation, even though I was the only one feeling this way. The eyes of my mother were wide with surprise and angst and my father quietly and suspiciously leered at the visitors. My parents felt nothing else other than a desire for the creeps to leave.

” I’m sorry we took the liberty to let ourselves in but believe when we say we have a very serious reason, ” the elderly woman spoke, her voice as stern as her appearance. ” We ask you to hear us out as what we’re about to say concerns your son. It’s a matter of life and death. ” 

My heart skipped a beat and the blood in my veins turned to ice. What had I done? The last time I got into trouble was a few months ago when I was caught swimming in the same lake I mentioned earlier. Due to its depth and water weeds, it wasn’t safe for swimming but it was my favorite refreshing spot so I swam there anyways. But when that happened, those who came to speak to my parents were police officers, not people who looked like they had dressed to go to a masquerade.

I’m my parents’ only child, more precious than the life itself, and parental love is capable of overcoming various obstacles, even if that meant sitting down with two freakishly looking strangers because they said my wellbeing was threatened. My mother offered the guests a cup of coffee which they accepted and we finally came to know their names. Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore. I thought it sounded funny but looking back at it, getting to know these names was the moment I first touched the border of the magical world.

Whenever someone comes to your house and announces they’re a wizard, your first instinct probably wouldn’t be to instantly believe them. You’d smile, smirk, or even laugh openly because you thought they were pulling your leg. You might ask them to demonstrate their magic to get a chance to mock them when it got clear they can’t do anything of what they claimed. And then your jaw hit the floor when they started to change your world in front of your eyes. When you realized they’re telling the truth, that it’s real and not some lame joke. 

The reaction of my family was very similar. Being polite and well–mannered, we didn’t laugh in their faces, though I saw my father beginning to get upset at the guests for wasting our time. We said nothing but perhaps it wasn’t necessary. Maybe they saw the disbelief in our eyes. Without saying a word, Minerva and Albus stood up and began to create wonders out of thin air. They made our coffee mugs fly. They changed the color of our wallpapers with a mere flick of their wands. They turned our sugar bowl into a vase of flowers and the dishes in the sink my mother failed to finish were washing on their own. When they had finished, we were sitting mute and shocked. I smelled the flowers. They were real, just like everything else.

Albus Dumbledore stated the reason for their arrival – me, and someone named Voldemort what felt like another funky name to me. However, when I half-jokingly asked the old wizard who’s Voldemort, his stare made my smile vanish and not a little thing felt funny anymore. 

” Voldemort, Thomas, ” Dumbledore said, his blue eyes examining my face over his half-moon glasses, ” is the most evil wizard in creation. You certainly don’t want to laugh about him or mention this name among wizardkind as most wizards and witches are scared to say his name. He’s more known as You-Know-Who. ”

What could I have in common with the most evil wizard out there? I didn’t get to ask this question aloud because Minerva and Albus started to talk over each other. No matter how carefully I was trying to listen, I was only able to catch a few individual phrases. A young wizard named Harry Potter who had always been the Dark Lord’s main target until not long ago. A recent prophecy about a Muggle whos soul is so valuable it can grant immortality and total indestructibility. A group of Voldemort’s followers called Death Eaters with an order to scope every inch of London to find me. A terrible demise that awaits me and the wizarding world should he get his hands on me.

” Why do you think it’s me? ” I asked, my voice trembling more than I’d like it to. ” There are dozens of men named Thomas Winters. How do you know it’s me the prophecy is talking about? ” 

” Oh yes, there definitely are. But dozens of Thomases Winters weren’t born in the family of a doctor and seamstress on August 25th. Dozens of Thomases don’t possess the rarest body features – an extra rib, heterochromia, Rhnull blood type, a mutation of the PCSK9 gene, and a preauricular pit. Also....dozens of Thomases Winters don’t live in a cream-colored house with a red tile roof. ”

I was listening quietly, totally astonished from what I heard. I had never had the thought that my little bodily quirks made me rare and special, as I had always been sure there are many more people around with the same differences I had. Now it seemed like my two-colored eyes, my golden blood, the little hole above my ear and the gene that got rid of the bad cholesterol in my body put me in the spotlight for something sinister.

” Voldemort knows you exist, Thomas, ” Minerva said, clutching her hands in her lap, ” he’s looking for you, determined to find you no matter what. It’s tremendous luck we managed to get to you before him. He doesn’t know remorse or pity. He will kill whoever he has to and cause as much destruction and pain as necessary to obtain you. In both wizarding and Muggle worlds. ” 

” What’s a Muggle? ” 

” Non–magical people. Those who can’t use magic. You. Your family. ” 

My parents were sitting still as stone statues, their faces pale with terror. I felt the hair on the back on my neck standing up and large droplets of sweat dripping down my back under my T-shirt. Not more than fifteen minutes had passed since the arrival of the two wizards but I couldn’t remember life as it was before them. The school bag with its supplies felt alien and unfamiliar as if it didn’t belong to me.

” What does he want from me? ” 

Dumbledore looked up at me like a caring grandfather, his eyes full of consideration. He reminded me of a doctor who has to tactfully tell the patient the worst news.

” Your soul, son. It’s just as unique as the rest of you and the key to Voldemort’s eternal reign. With it, he would be undefeatable. ” 

Had he wanted my arm or leg, there would be no questions but a soul was such an abstract concept I could barely take it seriously. It was something religious or spiritual people would talk about and my family was neither. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I heard this word before Dumbledore said it. It was a term that hardly belonged in the vocabulary of young people 

” My soul? How would he be able to get it from me? ” 

” You don’t want to know that, Thomas, ” Dumbledore took my hands and squeezed them soothingly. The old wizard’s touch flooded a spark of energy and positivity into me. ” He would torture you, make you experience the worst agony a human being can be put through. He’s a master of dark magic and would do anything to separate your soul from you. ”

The elderly wizard gave my parents a stern look, making sure nobody had any more doubts. I felt as if I was standing in front of a judge who was going to sentence me to a prison term. 

” Mrs. and Mr. Winters, your son’s life is in grave danger. ”

A few tears rolled down my mother’s cheeks and she wiped them away with a sleeve of her jacket. I saw her lips trembling and the fact that my mother was crying because of me made me feel worse than the possibility of a malicious wizard slicing me like a sausage in order to get to my soul. She looked at both wizards sitting in front of us.” 

” Is there anything that can be done about it? Can you save our boy? ”

” We can definitely try, ma’am. I presume there is a way to keep Thomas out of Voldemort’s reach, but that’s going to be a life-altering experience. You’ll have to leave your home and come into our world, Thomas. You can’t stay here or Death Eaters will eventually come around you. ”

Unbelievably, there was some good news as well. The prophecy concerning me had a time limit. It got enacted when I turned 17 and will be revoked when I turn 18. Voldemort had a time period of one year to find me or else my soul became unreachable to him no matter what he did. I had to spend twelve months hiding somewhere, someplace where even the darkest of darkest wizards didn’t dare to enter. Instead of going to my regular school in September, Albus Dumbledore had accepted me in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. There, shielded by ultimate magical protection, I would be able to survive until the time ran out, leaving Voldemort empty-handed. 

” But what am I going to do there? I mean...I won’t be able to be a full-fledged student. ”

” Oh, there are lots of things to do in Hogwarts, even for a Muggle, ” Minerva smiled, but even a smile didn’t make her face much amiable. I supposed she was a strict teacher. ” You will attend classes just like everybody else. You will be sorted into a house. You will learn, observe, read. We have some classes you will be able to even take a part in, like Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures.

In the midst of the dark night that had unexpectedly fallen upon my life, I started to sense some crumbs of joy. I was going to go somewhere where no Muggle had even set foot before, as McGonangal and Dumbledore explained, they have always been very accurate to keep Muggle and wizarding worlds separate and would have never changed it unless there was a serious reason for it. Two days ago, the reason came and it wasn’t only my life that was on the line. Their world was in danger as well. Voldemort, powered by my soul, would wreak havoc in the wizarding society, trying to free it from Muggle-born wizards. I had no choice. My bag started to feel like mine again, only now I was going to pack it for an entirely different reason.


	3. Chapter 3

” Simply walk straight through the wall between platforms nine and ten and you’ll get to the platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Hogwarts Express will be waiting there. Very easy. ”

I got all the instructions necessary for getting to Hogwarts with no issues and was allowed to write it down on a piece of paper that I had to destroy later to avoid more Muggles accidentally finding out about the secret world existing next to them. And, although they did their best not to show it, I could see professor McGonagall and the headmaster were quite nervous themselves. I wondered if the teachers in my school would react in the same way if a wizard child had to study with us.

” I’m going to put some enchantments on you, otherwise, you won’t be able to even see Hogwarts. Many magical things are hidden from the eyes of Muggles. Yours need to be completely open so that you’re aware of where you’re going and what you’re doing. ” 

She waved her wand around me a few times. I don’t know what was I expecting, maybe some lifting sensation as my eyes were getting cleared from the Muggle vision I had had my whole life. I felt nothing and before I knew it, McGonagall was done.

My parents, still shaken from the things we found out, were getting up from the sofa to bid farewell to the guests but Dumbledore sympathetically refused, claiming that just like they found a way in, they would find one out. Both asked us not to worry and reassured I would be alright as long as we followed their orders. However, I ran outside barefoot and caught up with the two wizards when they had made it to the gate. I wasn't the one I was actually distressed about. 

” What about my parents? I’m going to leave but they...they’re staying here. Is it safe? ” 

” Don’t you worry, ” Minerva McGonagall said, hiding her wand in her clothes. ” We have put strong protection enchantments on your house that’s going to last all the time of your absence. Your parents can continue their lives as usual. They’re not under any threat. See you in September, Mr. Winters. ”

I caught the last glimpse of Dumbledore’s crooked, kind-hearted smile before they both turned into a colorful swirl and disappeared from my front yard with a swooshing sound in less than a second. I felt ants crawling over my toes and usually so soft grass all of a sudden felt very prickly against my bare skin. Our neighbor – a large lady with extremely thin arms and legs that didn’t look proportion to her body, was watering flowers in her garden and didn’t even look in my direction. She seemed to be in some kind of daze and focused on the flowers only, a behavior that didn’t look like her at all. She was chatty, always loitering in her garden and if you happened to walk by, she would talk your ear off even if you were just going to take out the trash. Today she only came to her senses when I slammed my front door shut, she looked around befuddled like an owl that has been forced into daylight.

These thoughts wandered through my head as I was sitting in the Express that had slowed its speed noticeably, probably moving in on to the destination. This morning, when all of my former classmates walked in the direction of high school, I was hurrying to the train station. A friend of mine I knew from kindergarten already, waved me from a distance, looking baffled I wasn’t joining him on the way to school. I waved back, not knowing if I would ever see him again. 

When the train finally stopped, I was the last one to get off. My heart was thundering in my chest and I at the same time wanted and didn’t want to see what was awaiting me. I listened to the whizzing sound of smoke escaping the Express’ chimney and waited till the last student stomped off the train. Only then I dared to get up and walk outside myself.

Albus Dumbledore had promised I would be met by the Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts Rubeus Hagrid. At the moment, I was simply thankful that I wasn’t going to be alone in an unknown place and didn’t think much about who I would meet. A little more knowledge would have been useful for me to prepare my reaction adequately.

When I stepped off the train and turned away for a moment to fix the strap of my bag, something large and heavy squeezed my shoulder and I jumped, spinning around swiftly. 

” Sorry, didn' mean ter startle yeh. Thomas Winters, aren' yeh? ”

Wide-eyed, I stared at the enormous person in front of me, totally speechless. It was a man, an incredibly tall man. He had a greyish brown beard with few white hairs twining through it here and there and he was dressed in worn-out, even tattered clothes. I started to think if long beards were something like a trademark in the wizarding world. 

” Yes, I am Thomas. ” 

” Good, I'm Hagrid, ” he grabbed my hand that vanished in his large palm and shook it so tightly I winced, ” welcome ter Hogwarts. Now, if yeh don' mind, I'll grab your stuff an’ lead yeh ter the castle. The Welcoming Feast will start shortly. ”

Before I could say anything, all of my luggage was in his hands already and I had to rush in order to keep in pace with him. One of his steps was worth about ten of mine. 

” Yeh see, 's bin a long time since I talked ter a Muggle, ” Hagrid spoke freely and effortlessly as if he wasn’t carrying no less than twenty-five pounds in his arms. ” Usually they seem scared o' me whever I happen ter come inter their world. ”

” I wonder why, ” I replied ironically, glancing up at him and hoping that wizards are no strangers to sarcasm. ” After all, we’re totally used to conversations with those twice our size. ” 

Hagrid roared in laughter that echoed through the entire school territory and definitely alarmed all the birds in the nearest forests. My bag in his hands jumped up and down, tilting to the right side and hanging over his arm dangerously. I wanted to reach up to stop it from falling, but my 6 feet were only just enough to come up to his elbow. He looked wild but seemed to be nice and friendly.

” A jokester, aren' yeh? I'm on'y a half-giant. Not too different from those tall blokes who play tha' Muggle game o' throwing a ball through hoops - wha' 's called? ”

” Basketball? ” 

” Might be. Don' know much 'bout it. Jus saw a picture once in a Muggle newspaper. ”

If he was only a half-giant, I wasn’t certain I wanted to imagine what a full giant would look like, but I was sure as hell that there didn’t exist a basketball player who could ever hope to reach even the height of Hagrid’s chest. Humans simply weren’t that tall. Walking beside him, I felt like a tiny bug that needs to be careful not to get smashed by his shoe. 

” Look, Thomas, yeh're here so the hardest part is done. Albus Dumbledore is the on'y wizard You-Know-Who has ever bin scared o'. A mighty wizard he is. As long as yeh stay in Hogwarts, no reason ter be afraid. We won' let anybody hurt yeh. ”

I didn’t answer. Partly because I didn’t want to think about the ghastly name of Voldemort. Partly because tears started welling in my eyes from the realization that people who didn’t even know me were so determined to protect me. And partly because we were already approaching the Hogwarts castle. Even in my fiercest dreams, I had never seen such an impressive building. My eyes moved from many pointed towers that scratched the dark blue sky like needles to the gentle light that shone from the round, high windows. The castle looked old, ancient even and if it wasn’t being held up by magic, probably it wouldn’t be safe to enter it. Ghost stories flooded through my mind and I remembered all the horror novels I had read. Hagrid took my hand again, this time I gasped audibly. He might very well have broken a small bone somewhere in my palm. 

” Hurry up, Thomas. We don' wan' ter be late. They have ter see yeh present,” he said as he dragged me behind him. Tripping over my own feet, I tried to keep up with him.

The Great Hall Hagrid pulled me into was not a little bit less remarkable than the exterior of the castle. With my mouth agape, I watched the hundreds of candles floating into the air high above everyone’s head. It took a while for me to understand that the hall did in fact have a ceiling that was bewitched to look like a starry night sky. Four long tables took the most part of the hall and uncountable young witches and wizards were sitting close each to other, chatting and laughing. I felt more alone than ever. 

” What’s happening now? ” I whispered to Hagrid, pulling his sleeve to get his attention.

” Now yeh stand still over here an' wait fer your name ter be called. They will call yeh, yeh'll see. When they do, yeh walk up ter the front. ”

I looked at the front of the hall. There, under a beautiful stained-glass window another long table was facing the students and behind it were sitting less than ten adult wizards and witches. I assumed these were the teachers. Among them, in the highest of chairs, I recognized Albus Dumbledore. His hands were laying in his lap and he seemed apathetic, almost napping. 

Professor McGonagall got up and turned to the students. She was dressed in the same ensemble she was wearing in my house. Her emerald green cloak was shining in the candlelight. 

” Before we start the Sorting ceremony, the headmaster would like to say a few words. ”

Dumbledore stood up, his pearl-white beard draped over his chest reminded me of Christmas and Santa. The headmaster was wearing a burgundy red gown and a matching hat. Every seam of his cloak sparkled like miniature gems whenever he moved. His wise eyes glided from one corner of the hall to the other. 

” Dear students! I would like to congratulate each and every one of you with the beginning of a new school year and wish you prime academic achievements, as well as plenty of diligence, patience, and thoughtfulness. For some of you, this study year is the last one or one before the last one, therefore I highly recommend considering your future options. Time flies and spring will come sooner than you think. Also, this is a very special year as we’ll be having a Muggle guest in our school. ”

A wave of worried murmurs and muffled exclamations swept through the hall. Students were spinning in their seats and twisting their necks to see where was the thing headmaster was talking about. From distance, Dumbledore’s eyes locked with mine. 

” Would you please come up front, Mr. Winters? ” 

Sweltering heat shot through me from head to heels. Somehow I wasn’t thinking I’ll have to go up and introduce myself to the whole school. Even though I wasn’t the shyest person, right now I was in a foreign terrain and wasn’t sure if young wizardkind embraced Muggles as equals or stoned them and bashed from their presence.

” Come now, go! ” Hagrid pushed his thick finger into my back so vigorously I could swear I heard my spine crack, ” no one's goin' ter eat yeh. ”

I stepped forward and started to walk through the nearest aisle between tables. In my parka jacket, jeans and sneakers I looked so much different from other students I saw it with terrific clarity. My palms were sweating, knees felt like made of jelly and heart was rioting against the ribcage like a bird that’s trying to get out of the cage. As soon as my steps came closer, heads turned and students examined me like an exotic bug or something. 

Professor McGonagall nodded when I stood next to her on the platform. The warmth of the candle thousands poured over me and I was starting to sweat. I kept my hands in pockets and breathed the air that smelled like smoke, autumn leaves, cinnamon, and rain. 

” Meet Thomas Winters, ” Dumbledore merrily announced to the students. ” This Muggle gentleman will spend the school year with us. The reasons behind that originate in the Ministry of Magic and are not to be discussed. I ask every one of you to make Thomas feel welcome and make his experience in the wizarding world as pleasant as possible. ”

In order to avoid staring in all the face hundreds, I was looking above their heads to the end of the hall where Hagrid was still standing and trying to cheer me up by waving and smiling silly. I only lowered my sight once to see a young girl who was gazing at me with her eyes peeled. I wondered if she was ever told that non-magical people also looked like people.

Professor McGonagall walked around me and took what looked like an old, patched, and dirty hat off a small wooden stool. 

” We’ll start the Sorting ceremony with you, Mr. Winters,” she said, gesturing to the stool, ” please, sit down and I will place the Sorting Hat on your head. It will then sort you in whatever house it finds to be the most suitable for you. It will only take a moment. ” 

Hesitantly, I sat on the stool and a few students in the first row chuckled when I jolted just as the hat suddenly moved on my head. Soon after I heard a small, soft voice and wasn’t sure if I heard it in my ear or in my mind.

” Hmmm...not a wizard yet so important to the wizardkind. Lots of courage, you’re very brave indeed. Strong heart, no fear. Good mind as well, you’re a smart individual with creative ideas and a desire to discover. I can see you’re an empathic, caring person. You have a love for all living things. But that’s not to say you don’t have ambition, wit and you’re certainly capable of reaching your goals. Pity... real pity that you’re a Muggle. You’d make a great wizard with that heart of yours, you know. But where to put you? ”

” Only a moment ” turned into forever. I was sitting there with the Sorting Hat shifting and mumbling on my head for what felt like no less than ten minutes. Just when I was getting frustrated at how long was it taking to sort me, the Hat spoke again, this time more clearly, as if it had finally made up its mind. 

” Difficult...very, very difficult. You have qualities that make you a good candidate for any house. But...noting the reason for you being here, I think you would do best in...GRYFFINDOR! ”

The Hat yelled the last word all over the Hall and students at the tables started to applaud. Professor McGonagall took the Hat off my head and pointed towards the second table on the right where students dressed in red and gold uniforms were sitting. Before I walked off the platform, she turned me to face her and spoke in a low voice so that no one could hear us. 

” This is important Mr. Winters. If anyone asks you why you’re here, you absolutely must not disclose your real reasons. All the professors are informed but the students are not. No one has to know you have something to do with You-Know-Who. ” 

” What do I say then? ” 

She shrugged. ” Think of something else. You can say that the Ministry of Magic is cooperating with a Muggle Prime Minister and asked for a Muggle student this year as an experiment to see how they would do in Hogwarts. No one should question that. ” 

Still accompanied by a storm of applauses I walked towards the Gryffindor table and students moved together to free the room for me. I sat down next to a young man with messy, jet black hair and bright green eyes. He was wearing round-rimmed glasses and on his forehead, there was a lightning bolt-shaped scar that reminded me of the electricity warning signs that were put in places with a dangerous voltage. He smiled at me and I felt a little better instantly.

We watched the first-year students being sorted. Gryffindor received a few more students, just like Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. The least students, only one or two, joined Slytherin. After that, the feast began and up until then, I had forgotten I hadn’t eaten anything from the early morning. As I was looking for the leaner pieces of meat in my beef casserole, I noticed a guy staring at me from two tables further. He was sitting at the Slytherin table, dressed in silver and green, he had platinum blonde hair and a very serious expression. The young man was twirling a fork in his hand while his eyes didn’t leave me. Goosebumps sprang all over my skin and I turned away. What a freak.

Later that evening I didn’t know where to go, of course. Hagrid and my bag were gone, so I just blindly followed the red and gold-colored clothes to see where it would lead me. This place felt more like a supermarket than a school to me, as there were so many people, everyone talking and going their own direction. 

” A true Hatstall, aren’t you? ” somebody addressed me from behind. 

I turned around and saw three people walking after me. One of them was the black-haired guy, the other – tall guy with fiery red hair and a freckled face. He was smiling and I reckoned he was the one who spoke to me. The third was a girl with brown hair and brown eyes. She eyed me cautiously and keenly, as if unsure if she should talk to me or turn around and run. 

” A Hatstall? ” 

” Right. It’s been a very long time since the Sorting Hat took so long to choose a house for someone. And the last time we had a Muggle here was...let me think...never. ”

” Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, ” the girl introduced her two male companions, ” and I’m Hermione Granger. We’re in Gryffindor too. Walk with us to the house or you’ll get lost. Alright? ”

I nodded, that was surely better than wandering around the castle myself, trying to find the right door. Harry Potter...I didn’t know much about him but had absolutely heard this name before and knew he could relate to me better than anyone if I told him the name Voldemort. Just as I thought it, Harry looked at me with a spark of interest in his eyes, however, didn’t say anything. 

” So what’s the big secret? ” Ron asked eagerly, trying to catch my gaze. I was staring at the stone floor under my feet. ” Why are you here? ” 

I repeated the innocent explanation professor McGonagall recommended me. The trio looked at each other, puzzled as if they couldn’t believe what they just heard. Hermione's eyebrows raised high up her forehead and Harry didn’t say anything, although I could see he was questioning my answer. 

” Oh really? That’s strange, ” Ron continued, ” my dad works at the Ministry. He never said they planned to do something like this. It’d be crazy...no offense to you but having a Muggle into our world is kinda dangerous. I can’t imagine what should happen to make the Ministry allow that. ” 

Whoops, I thought. Professor McGonagall either forgot or didn’t find important the fact that the parents of some students might have a connection with the Ministry of Magic. In that case, this excuse might soon render useless, whether the Ministry was actually informed of my being here or not. I had no idea what would I say next as I didn’t want to make enemies here.

As I walked into the Gryffindor tower, I was stunned by the abundance of reds and golds. The roaring fire, stuffed, comfy armchairs, the huge portrait of a lion, and chandeliers that cast warm light all round were all so beautiful I didn’t know where to look. Every little thing was either embroidered in gold or glowed in some shade of red. So did the boys’ dormitory. Harry and Ron allowed me to choose the bed that I preferred, despite they probably already had their own beds where they had slept all the school years. My bag was waiting for me, lying on the floor near the entrance. After 17 years of an ascetic lifestyle where my parents had to fight for every little money we had, I was shocked to see everything provided without even asking. 

In the common room, Gryffindors stuck to me like flies to honey. I came to find out that many half-blood and pure-blood wizards and witches had never really talked to a Muggle before. The attention was persistent and a little intrusive but I didn’t mind. They wanted to touch me, see my belongings, talk to me and almost everyone asked the same question of how did I get here. To all of them, I offered the same answer I had given Ron. The facial expressions were different, from astonishment to doubt and some seemed feared. Of me. The irony of it!

And just before nightfall, professor McGonagall paid Gryffindors a visit one last time today. I knew already that as the head of the house, she could do that at any time. I was in the dormitory, still unpacking my stuff when she walked in, looking a little tired herself which was no wonder. It had been a long day for someone her age. 

” Mr.Winters? Have you settled in? ” 

” Yes, professor. I’m trying to. ” 

She shot a quick glance at Ron, Harry, and Neville, a nice but clumsy and shy boy, who looked up from playing with his toad and quickly put the animal aside. 

” Goodnight. Tomorrow I expect to see everyone at my class at 8:30 am at the latest. You too, Mr.Winters. ” 

Having said that, she left and probably only came here to check if the young wizards and witches haven’t accidentally killed me already. I was tired but that night I spent awake. Lying in my bed, I was warm and cozy and listened to the breathings of three other boys in the room and my own heartbeat. Outside, the rain had stopped and the sky cleared a little bit. Unlike other boys, I didn’t pull the curtains around my bed close and through the window of the tower, I watched the silvery-white full moon that looked gigantic. The moon radiated a pale light that in circles spread through the mute, lifeless night sky, giving it a bit of briskness. 

I was thinking about my parents, life and death, Voldemort, and the magical world I was literally pushed into and had to adapt to this year of my life that’s not going to be like any other year.


	4. Chapter 4

During the early hours of the morning, I slipped into a fragile, restless sleep and didn’t even hear the deep ringing of the large clock in the tower. For a good while, I was caught in an out-of-body state, thinking that everything that happened to me – two wizards that found their way into my house, my life being in danger, and a trip to a school for wizards and witches – was nothing but a dream. I only awoke from someone softly shaking my shoulder and calling my name. When I opened my eyes, I saw Harry who was leaning over me from the other side of the bed. His hair looked even more unkempt and his breath had the sweet smell of chocolate. 

” Good morning, Thomas, ” though I was visible awake, his hand still remained on my shoulder, so warm it heated my bare skin almost too much and I moved away. ” I thought you wouldn’t want to oversleep breakfast. Get dressed and let’s go! ”

I didn’t want to miss that for sure. I remembered eating a lot yesterday evening but somehow during the night, all the food seemed to vanish from my stomach, leaving it painfully empty. Quickly I washed and put on jeans and a knitted sweater – unlike the real Hogwarts students, I was allowed to wear my usual Muggle clothing instead of a uniform. It made me stand out among others but maybe that was the point after all. 

I didn’t have to be shown a way to the Great Hall again this morning. Surprisingly, it had burned into my memory like fire. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were following me more than I was following them and I tried my best to listen to what they were saying about school tending to move around from time to time and staircases changing positions. Harry walked beside me, his shoulder brushed against mine occasionally. Whenever I paid attention to it, he smirked timidly and maintained a few step distance between us but only temporarily. Soon he would be next to me again, closer than he was with Ron and Hermione. 

Near the entrance of the Great Hall, for a moment I briefly saw a greyish-silvery apparition in front of my eyes, and the temperature around me dropped to a near-freezing level. I shuddered a few times, goosebumps dotted my skin as if my whole body was exposed to almost arctic air. And the next second it was over, the ice around me melted in the pleasant degrees of the Great Hall.

” Nick! ” Hermione exclaimed, her bushy hair swaying like a fan around her shoulders as she turned around. ” Don’t do that to him! It’s highly inappropriate, considering he can’t even properly see you. ”

I looked behind my shoulder to see a pearly white, transparent man with curly hair, mustache, and a goatee, dressed in ancient clothing. He was floating a few feet off the ground. Oh yes, I could see him pretty clearly. After all, I was enchanted as well. 

” Typical Hermione, making a horse out of a fly again, ” Ron giggled, sounding a little annoyed. Then he smiled at me amiably, freckles dancing in his face. ” You just went through a ghost. It’s not too nice of a feeling, cold and everything, but it’s harmless. Just like him. It’s Nearly Headless Nick, the ghost of Gryffindor Tower. ” 

Above our heads, Nearly Headless Nick made a low bow that made his almost severed head tilt completely to his right shoulder. 

” My apologies, dear. I just wanted the new student to experience some kind of initiation. This is the wizarding world after all. Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr. Muggle! ”

I laughed, feeling a surge of joy. My mood brightened and I wasn’t feeling so alone anymore among these high stone walls. But brightened spirits were just enough to sit down and start with the breakfast when over the tables and students’ heads I saw the same blonde guy. Once again, he was looking at me as if I owed him money. A piece of scrambled egg stuck in my throat and wouldn’t go down. A gulp of coffee and my appetite was gone with the venomous stare of the towheaded bloke. 

” Who is that? ” I nudged Harry, who quivered a little bit from my elbow in his side. ” That white-haired dude over there. ” 

Harry looked the indicated way and his face clouded over. The green eyes seemed to darken behind the round frames and he squeezed the spoon tighter. 

” Draco Malfoy, ” he answered grudgingly, ” a Slytherin. Not the best character, if you ask me. Be careful with Slytherins. There's a handful of genuine people in that house but the majority of them are...prejudiced. Arrogant. Not too fond of Muggles. ” 

I looked over to the blonde guy and answered with the meanest, coldest expression I could make. So he didn’t like Muggles, huh? Well, great, I thought, that’s one person I definitely didn’t want to be around. I couldn't care less about this kind of bigotry. Now that I knew the reason behind Draco Malfoy’s gaping eyeballs, indifference came in place of annoyance and hunger returned as well. I was reaching for butter to put on my toast when a blizzard of owls swarmed the Great Hall through the open windows. Newspapers, letters, and packages fell from their beaks into the laps of the birds’ owners.

” Do you have an owl? ” Harry asked. A snowy white owl had landed on the table and pecked on bread crumbs from his hand. 

” No. ” 

” Well.... ” he hesitated for a moment, a slight tint of blush coloring his cheeks, ” if you ever need it, you can borrow Hedwig. She’s a fast flier. ” 

Carefully I reached and petted the bird’s head. Hedwig chirped cheerfully and lightly nibbled my finger, before flapping her wings and flying out of the window towards the owlery. Yes, I might need to use her. After all, there was no other way for me to contact my parents. I had taken my phone with me only to reassure I could have easily left it at home. There was no electricity in Hogwarts and due to the high levels of magic, all electronics went haywire. My phone was dark and silent since I got on the Express already. I couldn’t even turn it on.

Transfiguration classroom was spacey with high windows through which sunrays flowed out in golden puddles on the floor. Rows of desks were surrounded by several cages, bookshelves and chalkboards, and a desk for McGonagall. Candlesticks stood lit behind the desk. She entered the classroom minutes after every student had taken their place. I was sitting next to Hermione with Harry seemingly upset when Ron walked in front of me and took the place beside him that Harry was guarding for someone else. 

Though I knew I was only supposed to sit quietly, listen, and not interfere, I got that heart-sinking sensation you get when you remember you have failed to do the homework assigned for today. I would be the last person McGonagall asked anything about magic, yet I thought I would be made to go in front of the whole class and answer some tasks. Maybe it had to do with the fact I still pretty much felt like an outsider and the looks of many eyes were piercing into my back as if to say ” you don’t belong here ”. 

” Right, class. Today we’re going to learn the Bird-Conjuring Charm. Out of all spells used to conjure living things, this charm is among the very easiest, so you should have no problem. Repeat after me, wands down for now. _Avis._ ” 

The class obediently repeated the incantation. Me too. Why not? To me, that was just a word. I could say it as many times as I wanted and nothing would ever happen.

” Good! Now take your wands and attempt. Don’t be alarmed by the shot-like sound when you recite the incantation, it’s supposed to happen. If no one has any questions, you can start. ”

” I have a question, professor, ” a voice so cold I could almost imagine icicles hanging in it suddenly spoke a few rows behind me. 

” What is it, Mr.Malfoy? ” 

” When was it we started to accept Muggles in our school? ”

Several people turned around to look at the speaker. I shouldn’t have to look, McGonagall had already mentioned the name of who said it. But I did nonetheless. Glancing over my shoulder, I met the eyes that I could now tell were a silvery-grey color, just as unattractive as his speaking tones. Intuitively I felt he hates me a lot but experiencing such a strong emotion towards someone you don’t know and haven’t spoken a single word to, was unnatural and illogic.

McGonagall looked undoubtedly irked, as she gandered over her glasses at the entire classroom.

” I'll answer once, to you, Mr. Malfoy, and anyone else who might have been sleeping during the headmaster’s speech on September the 1rst. Mr. Winters’ being here is coordinated with the Ministry of Magic. It’s not the school’s obligation to discuss all the details of this matter with students. Instead of pondering on things that have nothing to do with you, I advise everyone to focus on why you’re here yourselves – studying. Now back to the charm! Come on! _Avis!_ ”

” Never mind him, ” Hermione whispered to me, taking out her wand, ” in the wizarding world Malfoys are known for two things – their money and their hatred toward anything non-magical. Calls me mudblood all the time because my parents are Muggles. ”

” And you allow him to? ”

” What can I do? I believe that when dealing with bullies in many cases the best thing to do is to be the bigger person and ignore them. _Avis!_ ” 

A gun-like blast rocked my eardrums and a flock of small birds whizzed out of the tip of Hermione’s wand. They fluttered around us, chirruping cheerly. One of them sat on the top of my hand and I softly touched the little head with a fingertip, partly expecting it to go right through the petite creature. It didn’t. The birds were just as real as I was. Hermione chuckled for both my admiration and the fact she had mastered the spell first.

In a matter of minutes, the whole classroom had filled with sweet-smelling smoke that irritated my eyes like a cut onion. _Avis_ chimed everywhere but there weren’t as many birds as could have been expected because not everyone managed to cast the spell successfully. Harry did well, his small colony was flying around the chandelier, befriending the group that Ron made. Out of nowhere, sharp, stinging pain of dozens of pointed beaks crashed into the back of my head. 

” Merlin’s beard! Longbottom, watch where you point your wand! ” McGonagall yelped, looking at me almost frightened. ” Mr. Winters, are you alright? ” 

” I’m fine. No worries. ” 

I rubbed the collision spot, the pain was gone already. Neville, who was sitting in the opposite row culpably mouthed a silent ” sorry ” and I smiled at him. Somehow, his clumsiness was endearing to me.

While students were trying their best to conjure flying vertebrates from their wands, McGonagall stepped down from her desk and walked towards me. In her hands she was holding a Gryffindor Crest patch she then bewitched onto my sweater. 

” You might not need to wear a uniform but the house you’re from needs to be recognizable anyway. This is going to appear on other pieces of your clothing as well. ”

I looked down and immediately fell in love with the golden lion on a scarlet background. It glistened dazzlingly in the sunshine and I was proud to be carrying it, despite not really deserving it. Back in my previous high school, we used to have uniforms with the school emblem as well. The teachers tried to make us wear them so that we would all look the same which might reduce the bullying issue. Students, however, had a different opinion on not being able to wear short skirts, revealing tops, T-shirts, and ripped jeans. Therefore, this trend didn’t last long. Students kept ” forgetting ” the uniforms at home and eventually teachers had no choice but to cancel this demand. There was no way of removing Gryffindor’s emblem even if someone wanted to. It was a part of the material as if had always been there.

After the Transfiguration class was over and we were on our way to the South Tower where the Charms class was supposed to take place, I first learned that in spite of the posh decorations and miracles that unveiled one after another in front of my eyes, Hogwarts was not that much different from an ordinary school when it came to bossy assholes persecuting those they thought to be weaker. 

I was sitting on a bench in the Charms corridor waiting for Harry, Ron, and Hermione who used the break to go to the bathrooms and trying to make my mute phone come to life. It was useless, I knew it, just something to occupy myself at moments I had nothing to do and no one to talk to. 

” Hey you, the fourth piece of Potter’s squad! ”

So far I had only heard this voice once but that was enough to remember it for all of my life. Draco Malfoy was coming in my direction, his steps in his fine leather shoes clattered on the floor. He stood next to my bench, no more than a few feet away from me. 

” Who the hell let you in here? That’s all we need – for Muggles to swarm our world. Dumbledore has totally lost it, obviously. You’re lesser, Mr. Winters, and have no business being among wizards. ”

Following Hermione’s advice about being the bigger person, I kept silent and ignored him. But it was the last time I did it, for there were people in the world who understood nothing but violence. Voldemort was probably one of them, just like the prick in front of me. And sometimes, turning a blind eye is the worst thing one can do. 

” I’m talking to you, you mudblood! _Accio!_ ” 

In a split second my phone was torn out of my hand by an invisible force and flew towards Malfoy, who caught it and skeptically looked at the device. Appeared that he had never seen anything like it before which wasn’t surprising, as I knew many wizards were oblivious to Muggle technology. 

I ignited like a stricken match. I wasn’t sure what exactly mudblood meant but it sounded dirty and revolting and had to be something really foul if Hermione was offended by it. My patience had its limits and I wasn’t going to allow him to treat me however he pleased. My hotheadedness was about to get the best of me.

” Give it back! Now! ” 

I stood up and furiously reached for the phone that was levitating in the air and floated further away from me with a flick of Malfoy’s wand. The blonde smirked insolently and in those silvery eyes of his was something more than a simple taunting of someone he didn’t like. A sparkle of sadism. Even evil, I would say. 

” Or what? ” 

” I’m not asking twice, dude. ”

” What are you gonna do, you good-for-nothing Muggle? You couldn’t do a spell if your life depended on it! ”

” I don’t need spells to knock your teeth out. ” 

Students that were waiting in the Charms corridor, started to pay attention to the conflict that was growing louder with every word. Several heads turned our direction. As I tried one more time to grab what belonged to me Malfoy’s wand flickered again and my phone raised as high as to touch the ceiling. The Slytherin laughed, a loathing, heartless sound that make my guts twist. He knew perfectly well I couldn’t do what he could and enjoyed it.

” Is wiggling that wand of yours all you can? How about fighting like a man? No balls for that? ”

Malfoy sneered. ” Is that what you mudbloods do? Smashing each other's faces? No wonder you’re all so dim-witted then and I’m not talking about magic.” 

” Fuck you! ” 

” What?! ” 

” What you heard! ”

Clearly, he wasn’t expecting that. We were both standing no more than ten inches apart and because we were approximately the same height, no one could look at the other from above. Malfoy and I had a similar built too, we were lank and neither overweight nor muscled. Yet I was quite sure I could overpower him. I had had some experience with those like him.

Draco lowered his wand and my phone was falling. Students moved apart to avoid getting hit in the head. Even though some helpful Hufflepuffs tried to catch the device before it hit the ground, it was a little too late. The phone splattered across the stone floor of the Charms corridor, tiny mechanical parts rolled all the way to the door of Charms classroom. Blazing hot anger swelled in me like a tornado, like nothing I’d known before and that’s when my fist first made contact with Malfoy’s face. 

The first blow caught the Slytherin totally unprepared. With no time to react, he staggered back stunned and the wand fell out of his hand. Blood was oozing from his lip, alarmingly red on his alabaster white complexion. He wiped it off with the back of his hand and lunged at me. 

We fought with the intensity of two alpha males battling each other for the top spot. We punched each other mercilessly as if there was only place in this school for one of us. Malfoy was considerably slow, uncoordinated, and not agile enough, and I could tell he had never been in a physical fight before. All he had ever done was poke the air with a wand when he wanted to abuse someone. As a result, the strength in his muscles started to deteriorate which wasn’t exactly serving to his advantage right now.

” You filthy, lousy mudblood! ” Draco hissed, his teeth stained with blood. His pure blood that he was so proud of. ” How dare you! You won’t spend another day in Hogwarts, I swear! ”

I answered with an accurate kick to his groin and slammed him with a right to the jaw. Malfoy yelled hoarsely but I wasn’t making a sound. The pain I felt and the blood I tasted in my mouth only fueled me more. I was no stranger to bullying and a good part of middle school was a living hell for me. I was beaten, kicked, pushed, spat at, and called every name under the sun. Until one day when I decided that enough is enough. When I refused to be a doormat for motherfuckers like Malfoy to wipe their shoes on. When I finally stood up for myself. Wizard or not, this one was going to learn the hard way that he has chosen the wrong person to mess with.

Fellow Slytherins cheered on Malfoy ” Go on, Draco, bash that mudblood into the ground! ” and fellow Gryffindors encouraged me ” You can do it, Thomas! Show the serpent what you’re made of! ” Among red and gold scarves from the corner of my eye I saw yellow and black and blue and bronze which meant that Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws weren’t rooting for Draco either. In the crowd that had gathered among us, I heard Hermione’s scream, she yelled at me to stop. If she was there, Harry and Ron were too.

Both Malfoy and I looked shockingly. His lips and eyebrow were bleeding and above his left cheekbone ruptured blood vessels started to hemorrhage, forming a black eye. I felt a warm, metallic-tasting stream trickling down my nostril, and over the chin, my ribcage was throbbing and every breath caused pain. Yet I wasn’t making noise, unlike Malfoy who gasped and howled non-stop. Our clothes were crumpled, ripped, and bloodstained. The golden lion on my patch was sprinkled with red.

If it wasn’t for Professor Flitwick, we would have probably continued until one of us wasn’t able to stand up anymore. The tiny Charms professor was running down the corridor as fast as he could, his short arms swinging by his sides. Because he was only about the height of our kneecaps, he didn’t come between to separate us. Instead, he used a spell that pushed Malfoy and me far away each from other. 

” Stop it immediately! In the name of Merlin! What do you think you’re doing? ” professor Flitwick cried out in a high, squeaky voice. ” Mr.Malfoy, is this the behavior of a sixth-year student? What kind of example are you showing to the first-years? And Mr. Winters, you should know better than to cause a disturbance in a school you have been so kindly welcomed into. Fifty points from Gryffindor! Fifty points from Slytherin! To the headmaster’s office, both of you! ”

I spat out blood that was pooling in my mouth and Malfoy picked up his wand from underneath one of the benches. I realized I had perhaps gotten myself and Gryffindor into a pile of trouble now. Maybe they’ll even decide that shielding me from Voldemort isn’t worth me disgracing the school and kick me out. Maybe this evening already I will be sitting in the Hogwarts Express on my way home which would also be my grave. Nonetheless, I didn’t regret demonstrating to the cocky Slytherin that this Muggle won't allow himself to be humiliated. Whenever someone gets their ass kicked, it’s usually something they remember for a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

I had plenty of time to rethink my actions while I was sitting in the headmaster’s office. The old headmasters and headmistresses watched me disapprovingly from the portraits hanging at the walls and I could hear low voices sighing within the frames that Dumbledore’s mad for bringing a Muggle into Hogwarts. Look, what he does on the day one already! My temper sometimes wasn’t the easiest to control but none of this would have happened if Malfoy left me alone. Nonetheless, I had gotten myself in a pickle.

Dumbledore’s office was quite a beautiful place that lightened my thoughts about incoming punishment. Sunlight shone through the large windows, illuminating every corner of the circular room. A bunch of spindle-legged tables with whirring, smoking silver tools on them. On a shelf behind the enormous desk I saw the Sorting Hat, now nothing more than an old, shabby hat, completely silent and inanimate. Had it sorted me into Slytherin, Draco Malfoy and me would eventually kill each other, that’s for sure.

On a high wooden perch a majestic, swan-sized bird was resting. It had red and gold plumage, a golden beak, and long, posh tail and first I thought it was a statue until the bird bent its head. The pitch-black, button-like eyes stared at me for a while, and then the bird flew down, the flopping of its wings almost put out the burning candles. It stepped into my lap and curled up like a cat that’s about to go to sleep. I was softly petting the gorgeous feathers and waiting. 

Dumbledore came soon enough. Not sure what I was expecting to see – an outraged expression or a cane in his hand to whip me with. Instead, a gentle smile bloomed in his face when his eyes laid on me. 

” Oh, you’ve made friends with Fawkes. Phoenixes don’t trust just anybody, you know. He didn’t come near Draco when I was talking to him. ”

Dumbledore sat on the opposite side of the claw-footed desk. He looked at me keenly, taking in what must have been the bruises on my face, specks of blood under the nose, and my skinned knuckles. Professor McGonagall didn’t let to heal it away, claiming that the headmaster needs to see it.

” Tell me, Thomas, who started that fight? ”

” I did, ” I answered instantly. For a Muggle, I might have many flaws but cowardice wasn’t one. I was willing to own up for what I’ve done. 

” I’m not asking who threw the first punch. I mean who started the conflict. I doubt it was you. ” 

” In that case – him. He broke my phone. ”

” Draco told me a different story. That you were the one to attack him for no reason. ”

I shrugged. ” Then I guess it’s up to you whoever of us you want to believe. ” 

Dumbledore twiddled his thumbs pensively. ” I don’t blindly believe in no one, Thomas. There are witnesses, students from other houses, who saw Draco initiating the argument. Still, that doesn’t mean I think what you did was right. Did it really have to be solved with violence? ”

” I’m sorry, sir, ” I answered, clutching Fawkes in my lap. The phoenix's head rested in the crook of my elbow and its eyes were open. ” But I won’t let nobody humiliate me. I don’t care who he is. I won’t let him treat me like that. ” 

” I understand you. However, you need to realize you have put yourself in quite a precarious situation.” 

He got up and walked to the window, his robes flaunting behind him. The headmaster silently looked through the window so long I thought he had drifted into his own world and forgot I’m here. The Headmaster’s Tower was so high up I could only see a thin green line of forests underneath with spruce-like sky taking the most part of the view. It looked as if it was going to rain again, gray, heavy clouds had started to cluster together, partly blocking the sunshine. 

” Draco Malfoy’s father is coming to the school, ” Dumbledore finally said, without looking at me, ” what should I say to him? ” 

Just when I thought I couldn’t feel more disdain for the Slytherin, I was proven wrong. The whiner had done something a 5-year-old would do – complain to his parents. 

” Tell him the truth, ” I scorned, ” I’m ready to face the responsibility for my actions. ”

Dumbledore walked from one side of the office to the other, holding his hands behind his back. Fawkes breathed faintly in my arms. 

” This is what you need to remember, Thomas. Bodily harm, magical or not, is unacceptable in this school. You are allowed to defend yourself, of course, however, you overstepped the line with Mr. Malfoy. Just a little bit. ”

The headmaster came up to me and took out his wand. His face was hardly disappointed as if I didn’t justify the hopes he had put on me. That was the only thing that made me feel kinda bad. I had never been a teacher’s pet, quite the opposite. I wasn’t scared of Malfoy or his father. I was upset that I had let down this elderly man in front of me by causing trouble the moment he turned his back. 

” Learn to control yourself. In your life, you’re going to experience many situations where you’ll be provoked. You can’t settle every dispute with fists, Thomas. _Episkey!_ ”

Hot and cold flashes swashed over my face as my wounds closed and lacerations healed and I felt better instantly. Both Malfoy and I got detention of cleaning the owlery, as that could be one of the most ungrateful jobs in Hogwarts. Owls were leaving waste left and right and no one really wanted to clean after them. We had to do it tomorrow after classes and the thought I’ll have to spend time with Malfoy again, filled me with revulsion. 

On our way to the Potions class, I got to listen to the lecture from Hermione. Ron was right. In general, she was a nice girl but could get unbearable when the righteous side of her had a reason to be triggered. Hermione pushed away Ron and Harry to walk next to me, making sure I heard every word of her tirade. For a moment, I felt like there was McGonagall walking beside me, not my peer housemate. 

” Did you actually think that in the magical world your phone couldn’t be repaired, Thomas? ” she berated, the strap of her heavy bag dancing on her shoulder. ” How could you even think of getting in a fight with Malfoy? Because of you, Gryffindor lost so many points! I told you to never mind him, didn’t I? And now you got detention on top of that without any of us to be there for you! Oh, Thomas, I thought you had more sense than that! ” 

” Hermione, enough, ” Harry said softly, his eyes in the dusk of dungeons looked very dark green. ” Actually it was...pretty cool. He did what I had thought of doing many times. Give that sneaky snake what he deserves. ” 

” Harry! You starting to clock somebody in the face is exactly what we need, right? ” Hermione burst out in outrage. ” Alright, Thomas is a Muggle and that’s his only way of protecting himself. But you, you’re a wizard! You must be smarter than to engage in common Muggle ways of problem-solving....sorry, Thomas, I didn't mean to offend you. ” 

I didn’t say anything as there was no point. Hermione wasn’t a male and she wouldn’t understand that receiving a black eye is sometimes the best medicine one can get. After all, girls rarely understood boys, and even less when it came to fighting. Harry and I silently, secretly smiled at each other under Hermione’s pouted face.

Potions classroom might have been the most interesting place I have been so far. Aside from the fact that it was cold as hell in there, to the point when I could almost see my own breath in the air, the room looked creepily glorious. There were a lot of cauldrons, cupboards, and different glass containers. The walls were lined with jars of pickled, strange animals in them and I would have happily looked closer if a contained, somber voice didn’t tell us to sit down. 

I had heard many things about professor Severus Snape, and the majority of them weren’t exactly the best. Gryffindors described him as cold, cruel, and authoritative, hating on all students but those of his own house. Nonetheless, I didn’t notice anything like that the first time I saw him – a man dressed in black from head to toe with dark hair and a hooked nose. If anything, he seemed depressed to me. 

Since he was the head of Slytherin House, I expected him to have a certain dislike towards me, as it was his student I hit. But Snape only called my name and when I responded, he simply looked at me, probably to know where I was, without saying anything else. Malfoy was sitting very close to Snape’s desk. His face was healed too.

” Today we’re going to learn how to brew a cough potion. It’s easy to make and very useful in the case of the irritated throat, ” Snape said while walking up to the backboard and starting to write the list of ingredients on it. ” The instructions are in your book and ingredients in the cupboard, as usual. Get started! ” 

I was sitting next to Neville and while everyone was waiting in line by the ingredients cupboard, I took a look inside the study book the sixth years used - ” Advanced Potion-Making ”. To me, the recipe seemed simple enough but surely it couldn’t be that easy, or else the students wouldn’t have such worried facial expressions. Cauldrons clanged, spoons swooshed, book pages turned, fire sparkled and smoke quickly filled up the entire room. Snape vanished it with a wave of his wand so that we wouldn’t choke and a wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows, signifying someone was doing something wrong. 

I was looking around, curious about the success. Ron’s potion was bubbling suspiciously in his cauldron and by his tense face, I could tell it probably wasn’t supposed to happen. Hermione was concentrating on the recipe and barely noticed her long hair that almost caught fire from underneath the cauldron. And Harry looked at me, frowning funnily as he was pouring straw-yellow liquid into his cauldron.

I really wanted to try it myself even though I knew it exceeded my abilities. Muggles couldn’t make potions because a magical essence was needed for that. I could only watch and hope to reincarnate as a wizard next life. 

” Why are you adding five sticks of cinnamon if it says only four? ” I asked Neville, who for some reason wasn’t following instructions. 

” That is a good question, Mr. Winters, ” Snape said behind me and I jumped. I hadn’t noticed he started to walk among the students to evaluate the results. ” I have been trying to understand for six years what’s going on in Longbottom’s head when he walks into my class. It’s futile. Longbottom, how come a Muggle can understand proportions and a wizard can’t? I don’t know what have you brewed in there but it’s definitely not cough potion. ”

Slytherins sneered and Neville blushed like a strawberry. Potions was far from his favorite subject, he admitted that himself before confessing he was deathly scared of Snape, therefore couldn’t properly pay attention in the class. I could understand him. Back in my school, there were teachers I disliked and they disliked me just as much. For this reason, I never put too much effort into their subjects, as I was destined to get a bad grade no matter what.

After the classes and supper were over, I enjoyed sitting in the common room near the fireplace while the housemates were struggling with their homework. All three of my friends were busy with essay writing that only Hermione seemed to manage. Two large scrolls of her parchment were full already and now she was writing the third one. Ron was scratching his head with his quill and his parchment was only half-full. Harry was writing too, although he looked like in his thoughts he was somewhere else and didn’t feel like doing the homework. 

I was spending time reading the books they didn’t need to use at the moment. ” If I knew you’ll be here,” Harry said when I was looking for something to occupy my time with, ” I would have brought all the books starting from year one with me. ” But he couldn’t have known, so I had to do with what I had. Right now I was shortening the hours till bedtime with ” Flesh-Eating Trees of the World ” Neville gave me. It was fascinating and I found myself looking forward to Herbology class.

The time was around midnight and even though I normally found it difficult to fall asleep in a bed that wasn’t my own, the atmosphere of the castle began to lull me to sleep. The boys’ dormitory was totally silent, with the exception of the rare snores coming from Ron’s bed. Not far away from me, a bed creaked silently – somebody was turning to the other side or going to the bathroom. I was relaxed and comfortable, ready to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep....and then I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. 

Slightly enraged, I turned. Whoever spoiled my slumber, better had a damn good reason for that. But it was Harry, dressed in his pajamas only and holding a bundle under his arm. He was half-crawled into my bed. 

” Why aren’t you sleeping? ” I asked, the former sullenness gone. I couldn’t stay mad at him.

” Shh... I thought you would be up for a little rule-breaking, ” he answered with a small, sly smile. 

” What? ”

” Nothing horrendous. Just a little stroll through the castle. I want to show you something, the night’s perfect. ” 

I was unconvinced. We weren’t supposed to leave our dormitories after 10 pm and I had already broken enough rules for the short time of being here. I didn’t want to catch another punishment or worse – give another grief to Dumbledore. 

” Listen, dude, I already have detention and if I get caught, then... ” 

” We won’t get caught, ” Harry interrupted me and unfolded the roll in his hands. 

A fluid, silvery clothing laid open on my bed. It looked like some kind of a cape, long, wide, and slippery. Under my fingers, it felt cold and silky. Harry took the garment, put it over his shoulders, and disappeared. Only his head was sitting in the air, laughing about my astonishment. 

” It’s an Invisibility Cloak. My dad left it to me. With this, we can walk wherever we want and we won’t be seen. I promise. ”

I thought this was madness. If I mess up again, when not even a full day had passed after Dumbledore last spoke to me, he would most likely shoo me away from the school. Why keep me here if I don’t respect the rules? But Harry’s eyes behind glasses were pleading, anticipant, hopeful. He had stayed up this late, waiting for others to fall asleep to take me...somewhere. It must be something special, surely he wouldn’t pull me out of the bed to show me the front door handle. So I got out of bed, put on slippers, and pulled a woolen cardigan over my pajamas. Harry threw the Invisibility Cloak over both of us. Although we weren’t small, it was big enough to cover us from head to toe with a good piece still lying on the floor. 

The common room was empty. Parchment scrolls, quills, and inkpots were left on the table, the fireplace burned with a single, bright flame. Except for the crackling wood, everything was quiet. We exited the tower and tiptoed into the hallway.

Eventually, the fear of getting caught slowly receded and I started to feel a joyful agitation. My heart thudded in the chest like a gong when we walked through the castle that seemed deserted. Portraits were snoozing and only those who were hanging the lowest shifted restlessly with our passing breeze. A few sleepy ghosts slid through the air, completely oblivious to our presence. Wherever moonlight wasn’t streaming through the windows, rows of lighted torches at the stone walls shed light on the path. I felt more and more excited. 

” Where are we going? ” I whispered to Harry.

” Astronomy Tower, ” he responded with an equal whisper, ” you’ll see why it’s worth to spend there at least one cloudless night. ”

We ran down the marble staircase and though no one was around, I got the sensation of being watched. The school was alive by itself, sentient, and was going to inform the professors that students were out of the beds at night. Nothing like that happened, of course, but at that moment I knew Hogwarts was more than classrooms, professors, and students. It had a magical nature of its own and cooperated with its occupants. No one would be here if the school didn’t want them to. 

The Astronomy Tower lied almost directly above the front doors of the castle and was out-of-bounds, except for classes. Understandable – students had no business being that high up alone. But we only found it out when pulling at the heavy wooden door with many rusted iron bolts. The door was locked. 

Harry took his wand out of the waistband of his pajama pants and pointed it towards the door. 

” _Alohomora!_ ”

I almost thought that a spell, the incantation of which was pronounced so quietly, wouldn’t work but it did. The lock clicked open softly, however, the bolts that fell down created a jangling that startled me and pierced the silence of the night like a dagger. As if that wasn’t enough, the door to the tower opened with a noticeable creek. My heart fell to my heels. There was no way nobody heard that and the second this thought came into my head, the sound of shambling steps came from the corner of the Great Hall. 

” Quick! ” Harry urged. ” Get in! Up the stairs!” 

Even his whispers seemed very loud now and I felt like a criminal that’s caught red-handed. I even forgot no one could see us. My knees were shaking and my breathing was shallow as I walked up the steep spiral staircase.

We were about to enter the Astronomy classroom when the tower door underneath opened, squeaking in its unoiled hinges. A dull gleam of light came from the lower floor and the steps stopped, waiting, listening. Somebody was there, someone who knew that the Astronomy Tower wasn’t supposed to be inhabited at this hour. Harry and I looked at each other warily. 

” Who’s here? Who’s out of bed at night? ” a wheezing voice of a man croaked from under us and the shambling gait started to walk upstairs. We hurried into the Astronomy classroom and closed the door behind us. 

” What is that? ” nervous, I asked Harry. 

” Argus Filch and his stupid cat, ” the housemate answered, his voice dripping with distaste as if he was about to puke. ” The school’s caretaker. A nasty bloke, slouching around day and night to catch students doing something that’s not allowed. That’s his greatest joy. The worse we feel, the better does he. Be quiet. ”

” Where are you, you nasty brats? Better come out or it’ll be worse! No shame at all, wandering around the school at night. I’ll find you, no doubt I will! ” 

We stepped back into the furthest corner of the classroom making as little noise as possible. The Invisibility Cloak was covering us completely, yet I felt like we’re done. Harry might not receive a punishment too severe as he was a student Dumbledore knew well and had some sympathy for. But for me...I was starting to prove myself as a rebel. All the rules I was breaking might be directed towards the securing of my safety. By doing whatever came into my head, I could have increased the risk of running into some Death Eater or Voldemort himself. All the things the headmaster told me – for nothing. I definitely should have stayed in my bed. 

Under the Cloak, Harry found my hand, and his fingers intertwined with mine. In a tense moment like this, the touch felt electric and inappropriate, yet I didn’t shake him off. There was some ease in his skin that pressed against mine. 

The door of the Astronomy classroom swung open so violently the doorknob touched the wall. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth as I heard footsteps barging in.


	6. Chapter 6

” Haha! Caught you! ”

Argus Filch stomped into the classroom, making more noise than the opening iron bolts did. He was a balding hunchback with a pouchy face and bulging eyes, looking like he had been starved for months. In his knobbly hand, he held a lantern, and between his ankles, a scrawny, dust-colored cat with lamp-like, yellow eyes was peering. One sight was enough for me to immediately dislike the duo. The gave off such a hostile impression I wondered why Dumbledore kept them in the school. 

Filch’s screech of triumph was cut short by the seemingly empty classroom. His mouth hung agape and large eyeballs rolled from one corner of the room to the other, unable to find any trespasser. The glimmer of his lantern wavered many times over the spot where we stood, revealing nothing. A deep discontent embedded in his grumpy face. 

” Strange, ” he murmured under his breath, ” I could swear I heard someone up here. Is it my age, dear? I’m sure somebody was here! Guess they managed to sneak away...lousy hooligans. ”

Harry’s thumb was caressing my wrist in a comforting manner. The cat’s glare traveled across the room and stopped at the left corner, right where we were waiting. Then she meowed. I held my breath and froze, my heart pounding like a professional boxer. Could she see us? Could she sniff us? Harry slowly raised his finger to his lips, indicating me to stay still. 

” There’s nothing there, my dear. Let’s go, we might be losing a chance to catch some real rulebreakers by standing in an empty room. ”

We sighed with relief as he turned around and trudged along, dragging his feet on the floor. The cat was still staring at our hiding spot but soon walked behind her master, tail swinging. The classroom door closed and we waited until we heard the tower door close as well. No sounds we coming from the staircase, Filch was actually gone. 

” That was close, ” I said, sounding tighter than I’d like to. 

” Not that close at all. Filch is a Squib, he’s basically you but with wizarding ancestry. All he can do is run around and fret. Sometimes I wonder when does he sleep since he appears to keep an eye on students 24/7. ”

” That thing’s really useful. ” 

” It is. I’ve done a lot of stuff I wouldn’t be able to without it. ”

Harry proceeded to show me the Astronomy classroom. I had always had an intense fear of heights to the point I wasn’t able to look down from a storey higher than second. But this night I didn’t experience it so greatly, whether it was the courage influenced by magic or just a simple unwillingness to demonstrate my phobia. I was even able to walk up to the parapet and have a perfect view of the starry sky as the moonlight washed over me. I gazed at the millions of stars that shined like diamonds imbedded into the blackish-blue blanket of the sky and remembered I had never really seen anything like this. Back in the town where I lived in the Muggle world, the air was so polluted that the smog covered the sky like a curtain, turning the stars into small glittering pinpoints, barely visible.

The classroom was surrounded by crenelated ramparts and iron security railings. Telescopes were propped against the ramparts and we took one of them. Harry obviously couldn’t wait until Gryffindors were supposed to have Astronomy class. We observed constellations and planets. Sometimes a cold night breeze blew through my cardigan and I shuddered. 

” Are you cold? ”

” I’m good. It’s not winter yet, after all. ” 

Harry took out his wand and waved it towards me. Streams of warm, even hot air gushed over me, making goosebumps disappear. I felt as if I had just stepped out of a hot bathtub. 

” Oh, this feels much better. Thanks! ” 

Harry smiled. ” It’s the Hot Air Charm. I learned it from Hermione, she can do many little things that are sometimes complicated but so practical. I can’t believe she’s being belittled by some wizards even though she has a huge magical potential. ”

” Because she has Muggle parents? ”

” Yeah. There are certain types of wizards and witches who believe Muggleborns are unworthy of studying magic. ” He fell silent for a while as if something came to his mind. The pale moonlight reflected his glasses. ” Who are your parents? ”

” My dad is a doctor. A surgeon, he works in quite a big hospital in the middle of London. My mom is a seamstress. She makes money by making and selling different types of garments. She also made this one for me,” I pointed to my bluish-grey cardigan.

” No brothers or sisters? ” 

” No, I’m an only child. ”

” Then who taught you to fight? ” 

I smiled. ” Life, I guess. When I was younger I served as a punching bag for motherfuckers in my school. I couldn’t bring myself to hit back for a long time. Until one day when it finally clicked that only I’m able to defend myself and nobody’s going to do it for me. Some people need to be shown their place or they’ll never stop. ”

Harry watched the sky, random breezes threw his raven black hair strands all over his forehead, sometimes revealing the strange scar. I wanted to ask about it but didn’t think it would be appropriate. We weren’t that close yet. 

” Don’t think I don’t know what Muggles can be like, ” he said, catching a lonely leaf that miraculously managed to fly so high up. ” I spent my whole childhood with a Muggle family and my cousin was...very much like those you had to deal with. ” 

” You don’t have parents. ”

” No. They were killed when I was a baby. Killed by a very evil wizard whose curse left me with this, ” he smoothed the hair back from his forehead to show me the scar.

I got the answer to the question I never asked. And somehow, I was pretty sure which wizard was Harry talking about. Even if Dumbledore and McGonagall hadn’t mentioned it, I would have suspected he was talking about Voldemort. The same son of a bitch who was hunting for me also murdered Harry’s parents and who know how many more people. And the worst thing was that I couldn’t tell Harry I understand, as I had sworn to silence about the name of Voldemort. Even if it was the person who could relate to me the most.

” What it’s like to have a mom? ” Harry unexpectedly asked, sounding as if he was about to cry, his fingers tearing the dry leaf apart.

” Well...to me it feels like being surrounded by love all the time. Comfort, safety, someone who’s always there for you. Someone who cheers you on at a soccer game. Someone who waits for you when you come home from school. Someone who always worries when you make bad decisions. Mom is someone who values your well-being more than her own..and sometimes I make the mistake of taking her for granted. ”

Telling Harry who mom is, brought tears to my eyes, as I remembered I don’t know when I’ll see her again. Previously I was affected by all the magical wonders of Hogwarts and didn’t have much time to think about my home. Were my parents alright? Were they safe in the house I had to run from? 

” Sorry, I’m not very good at putting things into words. ” 

” No, it’s perfect, ” Harry answered. His eyes were wet but he wasn’t crying. ” I’m really glad I met you, Thomas. I really am. ”

He moved closer to me, our forearms touched and his palm laid on top of my hand. Every moment of when he had tried to be close with me earlier rolled back into my memory. Him being upset when Ron took the seat meant for me, his shoulder brushing against mine when we walked through hallways, him rubbing my wrist minutes ago when hiding from Filch. I was quite sure I wasn’t mistaking.

” I know you got detention because of it, although I’m sure Dumbledore was probably gentler with you than Hermione was. But no matter what someone thinks about that fight of yours...it was amazing and you would have won if not professor Flitwick. You’re strong.” 

” Maybe just a little stronger than Malfoy. ” 

Harry was closer to me than any person had ever been. I moved half-a-step back, trying my best not to show too much emotion on my face. My heart thudded a few extra beats when I could clearly see his eyelashes encircling the emerald green of his eyes. If I could make out the small, additional details of his face even in the dark of the night, he was way too close. 

” Are you gay? ” I asked, as politely as I could. It had to be clarified and I tried to do it as courtly as possible, without hurting his feelings.

Harry’s eyes widened a little or maybe that was just an optical illusion created by his glasses and the moonlight. A brief moment of awkward silence. I started to regret asking this and wouldn’t get mad if he chose not to answer. It was very personal after all. 

” Good question, ” Harry said in a low voice, as if he was ashamed, ” technically I’m not. I’ve dated girls and I’m attracted to girls but sometimes...when I see a cute guy, something goes bonkers in me. Maybe I’m bi. Right now I’d love to kiss you. ”

I pulled away from him, retreating to the same friendly distance that was between us minutes ago. I had never given my sexuality too much of a thought. I lacked the experience in this field to make any kind of conclusion. And this nightly walk started to take turns I couldn’t have for the life of me imagined. 

” Hey, I think that spell of yours is wearing off. We should probably go back to the dormitory. ” 

” Yes, sure. Also, the dawn will be coming soon. ”

We were both lying to make the other feel better. Harry’s Hot Air charm was still taking effect and I wasn’t cold and the sunrise was hours away. On our way back Harry didn’t talk to me much and his look was focused on the floor majority of the time. I hoped I hadn’t offended him by rejecting his intimacy but I couldn’t indulge in everyone’s wishes. Had I allowed him to kiss me, he would probably get his hopes up and expect more. I came here to save my life, not to make love interests, after all. That was my logical judgment which didn’t make me feel better.

The next day, when after classes my housemates returned to the common room, I had to take a different path towards my detention. I was sulky as hell and didn’t want to do it at all, but it was my punishment for things I had done myself so the only person I could blame was me. Fellow Gryffindors advised me ways to escape the penalty but I wasn’t going to sneak away. If I fucked up, I was ready to pay for my mistakes. 

Even the influence of his father didn’t save Draco from detention. First, Lucius Malfoy was furious like the devil himself that his precious boy was made to clean the owlery. ” My son is punished for being a victim? Whose foolish decision is that? ” he roared in Dumbledore’s face when the headmaster calmly explained to the heated daddy that the school rules apply to everyone. Draco got the same unpleasant task I did, no matter how hard he tried to get away with the fight. I was proud of Dumbledore’s titanium spine.

” Be careful and control your temper, Thomas, ” Hermione repeated the same thing over and over in my ear tirelessly, ” Malfoy is a wizard after all. He can hex you easily and we won’t be there to help. Don’t get into arguments with him. ” 

Malfoy’s abilities and affiliation to the wizarding world didn’t scare me. Last time he didn’t manage to even utter a sound when he was already bleeding. I disliked the guy heavily and if by now he hadn’t understood that Muggles weren’t disposable, that was his problem entirely. 

The owlery was a high, tower-like structure away from the rest of the castle. Inside, it was a circular stone room with no glass in windows. This made the room cold and drafty and allowed the owls to come and go whenever they liked. The owlery’s floor was covered with straw, droppings, and skeletons of rodents. That’s what we’re going to have to clean. 

Professor McGonagall awaited us at the bottom of the stairs. In her right hand, she was holding two broomsticks and sack-like things that reminded me of trashbags we used in the Muggle world. 

” Good that you’re both here. Your job is to make the owlery look spick and span, our owls do cause a certain level of disorder. As students, you’re the ones who mostly use this owlery, so it’s only logical that you make it look appropriately and pleasant to come in. Mr. Malfoy, your wand, please! ”

Malfoy looked at McGonagall in surprise. ” My wand? ” 

” You didn’t expect to use magic, did you? ” the professor answered sternly, her hand extended for the thing she asked for. ” This is a punishment. You’ll do everything with your hands, just like Mr. Winters. I’ll return your wand when the work will be done. ”

Grudgingly, Draco fished out his wand from underneath his robes and handed it to McGonagall. She gave each of us a broomstick and a trash bag that was enchanted in a way it vanished everything that was put in it. 

” Now, I’ll be back after an hour and check your work. And no, these are not enchanted, Mr. Malfoy, so don’t even think about flying away. Good luck. The sooner it’s done, the sooner you’ll be free to join your housemates in their activities. ”

McGonagall left and I wasted no time. The sun was slowly going down and it had become noticeably colder. I was longing to get back into the warmth of the Gryffindor tower as quickly as possible, so I took a broom and started sweeping. In some places, the layers of dirt were frozen and hard, making the cleaning harder than it seemed. Some of the owls hooted concerningly when I bothered their sleep by scrubbing right next to their cages. 

Draco didn’t do anything for a long time and I could feel his eyes following me as I moved around the owlery. The little things Harry, Ron, and Hermione told me about him sifted through my mind. A pureblood coming from a very wealthy family and living in a mansion so big you probably needed hours to make your way from one side of the house to the other. That very well explained his unwillingness to move a finger. After all, what can you expect from a spoiled rich boy, raised in luxuries and having servants by his ass all the time? Things like floor sweeping and cleaning birds’ droppings were dirty and humiliating for him. Honestly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had started to throw a temper tantrum in front of McGonagall. 

I was the complete opposite. My family was middle-class citizens and since childhood, I was raised to always help my parents with housework and I started to work my first paid employment when I was 14. My parents couldn’t afford to spoil me a lot and that came to be a good thing for me. I wasn’t afraid to work and to get my hands dirty, so cleaning the owlery was no different than shoveling snow or sweeping my front yard from leaves in Autumn.

” My father had a talk with Dumbledore, you know, ” Draco’s voice, colder than the breezes that swayed through the owlery, sounded behind me, ” he’s very unpleased with what’s happening to this school. And Dumbledore agreed to punish you much more severely if you ever laid a finger on me again. ” 

” Oh my, didn’t I crap my pants out of fear, ” I snapped back ironically. 

I didn’t know if Dumbledore actually promised Malfoy’s father that but I suspected Draco might want to try and provoke me again to get me out of Hogwarts. With his sinister nature, he was surely capable of that. Dumbledore was right – I did cross the line the first time. It won’t happen again. 

” Aren’t you thinking too highly of yourself, Muggle? There’s no reason to. Your kind of people will always be lower than wizards. Get over it and drop that insolent tone of yours. ” 

” I’m sweeping the floor while you can’t even take the broom and start working, blathering all along. If someone thinks too highly of himself here, it’s definitely not me. Afraid to get your white hands dirty or stain that elegant cape of yours, aren’t you? Let’s see what McGonagall thinks of that when she comes. ”

” Oh you’re gonna tell on me? ” he hissed, and for a moment I had no doubt why was he sorted into Slytherin. He did in a way resemble a snake. ” You’ll regret it if you do! ” 

” No, I don’t run around complaining, whining, and wailing that someone did me dirty. That’s an exceptionally wizarding trait, I guess. ”

Malfoy gritted his teeth and out of the corner of my eye, I could see his fists clench. Really, again? Probably he had never someone talking back to him like I did. But I wasn’t intimidated by him. At night, up in the tower with Harry, I felt much bigger anxiety than now and it wasn’t caused by hostility. Draco could talk all he wanted, I didn’t care. But if he as much as touched me with a fingertip...we both knew what would happen. 

” You’re lucky I don’t have my wand, you fucking mudblood, or I’d close that smart mouth of yours quickly. ” 

I was wiping the straw off of owls’ stone cages, the birds shrunk away to avoid the dry grass falling on them. A small beak nipped my thumb.

” Yeah? Like you did last time? Maybe you should take Dumbledore’s advice and concentrate on your studies more than on me because apparently, you can’t even hold your wand properly, it falls to the ground when you want to use it. ”

I heard his footsteps behind my back. The outcome of this conversation and detention all depended on Malfoy now. If he stays away from me, there would be no problems. But should I as much as feel his breath on my skin, McGonagall would come to find bloody feathers and terrified owls. I kept sweeping and ignoring him when suddenly a hard, unexpected push into my side shoved me to the ground. 

Broomstick fell out of my hands as I landed hard on my knees and elbows. Enraged, I quickly rolled onto my back and met Draco’s eyes, less than a few inches away from mine.


	7. Chapter 7

Draco grabbed my face in his hand, fingers digging crudely in my cheeks. His other hand gripped mine that I had already raised for a blow into his stomach. This time Draco was quicker. His eyes were like two frozen icicles, in his look, there was anger, cruelty, dominance, and something else...something dark and perverse. 

” Let go of me, you bastard! ” I spat through clenched teeth, jerking my other hand to free it of his grasp. His fingers felt like cold tentacles around my wrist. ” Wanna get your mug decorated again? ”

” Try it. Hit me again and see what happens. You’ll be out of Hogwarts faster than your legs can carry you! Dumbledore’s not the only one who has power, you know. Even he cannot allow keeping someone who’s aggressive all the time. My father has an authority you can’t even imagine! ”

I pulled away from him as hard as I could although I could feel that my strength might actually be equal to Malfoy’s. Today he wasn’t as wussy as a few days ago, almost as if he was driven by some kind of motivation. He was so close I could smell the whiff of his cologne, a woody, aromatic fragrance of sandalwood, bergamot, and amber. 

” Fuck you and your daddy too! He couldn’t even get you out of detention. So much for that authority! ” 

” I’ll teach you to respect wizards, mudblood. Know your place in our world. Muggles to wizardkind are the same as slaves to kings. ” 

He released my jaw only to grab the back of my head and crushed our lips together. We tumbled down to the floor, the cold stone floor of owlery underneath me and his weight on top of me that felt like tonnage. Draco’s fingers grabbed a handful of my hair close to the roots and tugged roughly, holding my head in a vice-like grip. His tongue was trying to force its way past my clenched teeth and made me sick to my stomach as I made every effort to turn away from the unwished-for kiss. 

We rolled on the floor that wasn’t properly cleaned yet, particles of bird poop and feathers stack to our clothing. From their cages, owls were peering down on the struggle with their wide eyes puzzled. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the broomstick lying forgotten but it was too far to reach and use as a weapon. 

Draco had stuck to me like a thistle and for the hardest I tried, I couldn’t push him off. With my free hand, I pushed against his chest while the back of my head was on fire from the grip way too firm. 

” I never thought I would say it but you’re sexy for a mudblood, ” he said as he quit trying to get into my mouth, ” I noticed that the first day I saw you. And to deny I’m attracted to bad boys would be a lie. Even you hitting me didn’t change it. ” 

” Fuck off! Get your dirty mouth away from me, you son of a bitch! ” 

Draco’s hot breath flew into my face. I managed to catch the scents of pumpkin juice, cinnamon, and turkey, probably from dinner. His silvery grey eyes stared deep into mine, pupils dilated like a cat’s that’s about to pounce. Slytherin's gaze was full of lust and hunger and I was about to spit in his face.

” Why are you resisting? While McGonagall’s not here, we could have a little fun. ” 

His hand let go of my hair and slipped under my sweater, the ice-cold touch made shivers run down my spine. Draco’s fingers ran along my stomach, down my sides, and over the chest, he pinched my nipple so hard I yelped. He was touching and fondling, trying to feel as much of my skin as possible. 

” Take your fucking hands off me, motherfucker! I’ll rip your head off! ” 

Malfoy snickered quietly, he either wasn’t taking my protests seriously or the contrary – he knew I wanted nothing to do with him and enjoyed pawing me against my will. Before I knew it, Draco pushed his hand down my jeans. I thrashed violently as I felt him feeling my cock through my boxers. 

” The fuck you’re doing?! Let me go or I’ll kill you, I swear to God! ” 

Draco’s tongue traveled up my neck and he gently bit my earlobe. ” Well, well...isn't someone getting hard? Is it a Muggle thing to play hard to get when you’re horny like a real slut? ” 

Fortunately, I wasn’t hard yet but I knew it’s just a matter of time. Even if I didn’t want it, that was an inevitable natural body reaction to stimulation that Draco would interpret in his own nasty way. Just when his fingertips slid under the waistband of my boxers, I managed to free my arm and whack him across the jaw. I put all my might in that hit as if my life depended on it. 

Groaning in pain, Draco tumbled off of me, his hand instantly covering the lower part of his face. I jumped to my feet and grabbed the broomstick. If he dared to approach me again, I was determined to drive it through his heart as if he was a vampire. At this point, I didn’t care anymore what will happen to my future in Hogwarts. It almost seemed better to have a chat with Voldemort instead of having assholes like this one around.

I expected him to fly into a rage or threaten me with his father again who probably didn’t have a clue his son was lusting after guys. But Draco was laughing when he got up and straightened the knife-edged creases of his fancy trousers. Both his upper and lower lips were bleeding, few crimson drops stained the white collar of his shirt.

” So you wanna act like a prudish virgin? ” he wiped the blood from his mouth but didn’t come near me. ” Alright. Have it your way then. I’m patient, Thomas. I can wait a long time for something that’s worth waiting for. ”

My name sounded dirty and repugnant in his voice. In my life, I had received attention from girls, not from guys, and no one had ever come on to me as belligerently as Malfoy. I recalled Harry’s timid, unostentatious demeanor at the Astronomy tower, on this background Draco’s violation seemed like a mockery. It only came to me now that he was about to rape me. 

McGonagall arrived on the dot an hour later. The owlery was not as clean as she wished it to be but still looked much better than before. Each holding a broomstick, Malfoy and I were standing as far each from other as the room permitted. 

” Good job, ” McGonagall praised us, examining the clean-up, ” personally I think such activities should take place more often and not as punishments. Learning to keep their living place tidy would certainly benefit the students. Mr. Malfoy, here’s your wand...and why are you bleeding? ”

” I slipped. In cold weather these stairs can become a safety hazard, professor, ” Draco answered with such an overacted politeness it made me nauseous.

The three of us walked out of the owlery and into the castle but then our paths separated. Professor McGonagall and I went up to the Gryffindor tower but Draco walked downstairs to the dungeons where Slytherins lived. I looked over my shoulder once to see him grinning my direction before he disappeared under the floor level. 

” You seem shaken, Thomas, ” McGonagall said, her intelligent eyes ran over my face.

” I’m fine, professor. I just got a little frozen up there. ”

” Did Mr. Malfoy do his part of the cleaning? I hope you didn’t do all that by yourself. ” 

” He did help. No problems with that. ”

I lied effortlessly, the false statements rolled off my tongue so easily it surprised me. McGonagall couldn’t have known what happened in the owlery and I had never been a snitch. To me, bitching was a hideous quality and I wouldn’t feel better if Malfoy was punished for ignoring the detention. I had been through worse than a clean-up on my own.

Just like I hide the truth from the professor, I intended to hide it from my housemates. However, that turned out to be an impossible task. The moment I entered the common room, Hermione’s face changed to a concerned expression. Harry and Ron put down their quills and parchments.

” What’s wrong, Thomas? ” 

” Nothing, ” I replied as carefreely as I could, ” I’m just cold and tired. I’m going to bed. ” 

Back then I didn’t know yet that those three weren’t like the people you can ward off by simply saying ” I’m fine. ” They might have heard the tint of insincerity in my voice. Before I walked into the dormitory and got into the bed clothed, I saw Harry’s chair moving aside as he got up. 

They sat around my bed and didn’t leave until I told what happened during the detention. While I was speaking, Harry looked as if my words caused him physical pain, his face screwed in a distressing grimace. Ron was silent and somber, his hair matching the candlelight on the nightstand. Hermione was sitting with her back straight, long hair was tied back into a ponytail. In her hands, she was twirling her wand. 

” If you want, I can erase it from your memory, ” she kindly offered, ” it’s quite a simple charm and you won’t remember nothing of that. As if it never happened. ”

” No, Hermione, ” I firmly refused, ” my memories are what makes me me. I want to keep them all. Good and bad. ”

” What a jerk, ” Harry said in a low, menacing voice, ” wait till I see him next. He’ll regret ever laying a finger on Thomas. ”

Hermione sternly looked down at him. ” Calm down, Harry. That’s what Malfoy wants – to get all of us in trouble. It’s far not the first time. ”

” I didn’t even know Malfoy was into guys, ” Ron’s eyebrows raised in consternation. ” Why the hell is he seized on to Thomas? As if there weren’t enough dudes in Hogwarts. ” 

” He likes him, that’s why ” Harry sadly answered, his fierce tone changed to that of regret. ” That’s one quality all Slytherins possess – determination towards their goal. ” 

” But you don’t think he’d try to....force Thomas into something, do you? ”

” He already did! Is groping somebody against their will nothing to you? ” Harry turned to me. ” Does someone else know? ” 

I shook my head. ” I said nothing to McGonagall. Nobody else was around. ”

” By all means, you have to tell Dumbledore, ” Hermione insisted. ” This is very serious, Thomas, much more serious than fighting! ”

However, I knew I had already given Dumbledore enough grief for that short period of being here. And I didn’t want to be like Malfoy who ran straight to his daddy instead of healing those bruises and learning a lesson from them. I wasn’t a kid anymore who needed a guardian behind their back at all times to save them from the evil bullies. I wasn’t a full-fledged adult either yet, but grown enough to take care of myself. I wasn’t going to tell Dumbledore anything, regardless of what Hermione or someone else thought. 

Professor McGonagall had told me I was free to use the school’s library whenever I liked and I loved to read but was unpleasantly surprised to find out that the library was closing at 8 pm. The time was past that but still too early to go to bed and I realized I miss electronics a lot. At home, I usually spent the evenings with my laptop listening to music, watching movies, or playing games. Sometimes I watched the TV with my parents. Or, if the weather was right, I would roll through the streets on the hoverboard I borrowed from a friend because these things were too pricey for me to afford. I was fascinated by magic beyond belief but in a way, I longed for the Muggle world. 

So, left with little options of what to do, I was sitting by the window and watching the large raindrops that were sliding down the glass. It had started to rain again and in the distance, flashes of lightning glinted at the horizon. Sudden, intense breezes blew the leaves off the branches, leaving the trees naked as they swayed in the wind. A wicked, ferocious thunderstorm was approaching Hogwarts and I wondered if tomorrow going out I would see the destruction it caused or it would be all cleaned up by magic by that time.

After a while of listening to the pouring rain, fire crackling, the incantations as my housemates were practicing spells and the screaking of quills on parchments, I felt eyes on me and met with Harry’s look when I turned my head. He pushed a medium-sized book to the corner of the table. 

” I’m done with this one. You can take it if you want. ”

The offered book turned out to be ” The Standart Book of Spells, Grade 6 ”. I opened it and got lost in a world that wasn’t and will never be mine, a world I was only a guest at. If only I had studied my regular Muggle subjects with the same intensity and interest I was delving into magic, my grades would have been much higher than B or C. I lost the track of time completely and when I finally lifted my head from the book, hours had gone by and the common room was almost empty, except for a few students.

Later that night I was in my bed, wrapped into layers of blankets to escape the cold night air that managed to find its way into the tower through microscopic nooks and crannies. Outside, the thunderstorm was raging in full force. The roars of thunder crashed through the sky as if all the devils got loose from their hells and were throwing a party up there, and the flashes of lightning filled the dormitory with a bright, blazing white light. The rain was striking the window panes with such a force it could have busted the glass if the castle wasn't protected by magic. 

I was listening to the anger of nature and my own heartbeat as I tried to fall asleep. But every time I closed my eyes, a gut-wrenching picture materialized in my mind. I saw Draco treating me like I was his property, his personal whore. The memories were too real. I could feel his hands on me again, his lips that I didn’t want to accept, the lewd touches that he thought would wake desire in me. I wondered if I would ever be able to unsee it and jolted when somebody opened the curtains I had closed around my bed tonight. For a moment, I was sure that Malfoy had returned to harass me again, though there was no way he could have gotten into Gryffindor tower.

But it was Harry, he was standing by my bed, dressed in the same pajamas he wore the last time. Another dazzling bolt of lightning came through the window and reflected in his glasses. 

” Did I wake you? ” 

I rolled from the side on my back. ” No, I wasn’t sleeping. What’s up with you? I don’t want to go anywhere tonight. ” 

Harry simpered faintly. ” I’m not asking you to. I was just wondering...if I could lie with you for a moment? ” 

” Alright. Are you scared of the thunder? ” 

Harry shook his head vigorously as he climbed under the covers and lied down on his right side, facing me. I moved aside to leave room for him, but it was hardly necessary, the bed was spacious enough for more than one person.

For several minutes we were lying in silence. The world outside seemed to have gone mad, I could hear the cracking sound of tree branches breaking in the strong wind that was howling around the tower like some nightmarish mythological wolf-like creature. Strangely, no one was bothered by it. Ron was snoring in his bed just like Neville was sleeping peacefully with only his nose out of the thick blanket. His toad Trevor was sitting on the nightstand very still and wasn’t trying to escape his owner, which was unlike the frog’s usual behavior. 

” I can’t stop thinking about it, ” Harry said in a whisper to not wake anyone, ” you and Malfoy. It’s not a good idea for you to walk around the castle on your own from now on. ” 

” For God’s sake, Harry, I’m not afraid of him! ” 

” Well, I’m afraid for you! ” Harry persisted, his eyes radiating like emeralds whenever lightning exploded over the bed. ” You don’t know Malfoy like I do. He’s the most snobbish, spiteful, narcissistic person I’ve ever met. The first time I came to Hogwarts, I rejected his friendship and he’s been hating me ever since. And if he had his wand today... ”

” But he didn’t. Everything ended well, you have nothing to worry about. Besides, I socked him again. ” 

Harry smiled, his head on the pillow was just inches away from mine. ” You did? ” 

I shrugged. ” Oddly, he wasn’t complaining this time. Not even to McGonagall. Maybe some part of his brain fell into the right place. ”

Harry scuffled closer and put his head on my chest. Very carefully at first, perhaps to see if I would resist or tell him to stop. I put my arm around his shoulders and he nestled up against me, his face pressed against my neck. I reached lazily and removed his glasses, the metallic frames were disturbingly poking my carotid artery.

” Maybe you’re right, ” he breathed on my neck, ” maybe I’m too paranoid. But I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you. ” 

” You’re speaking as if you’ve known me for years. ” 

” Believe it or not, but I can sense pretty well what somebody’s like even after a short contact. Also...I’m kinda upset he got to kiss you before me. ”

” Because you would have certainly done it, huh? ” 

Harry lifted his head and looked at me. Without glasses covering his eyes, he appeared a little different, dreamy and hopeful. His gaze traveled all over my face, lingering at the lips and what he wanted was crystal clear to me. The only question was – did I want it too? 

” Well, ” I said quietly, following his expression, ” considering that I neither wanted it nor liked it, let’s assume it didn’t happen. So...I’d say you still have your chance. ”

Harry leaned closer than ever. I didn’t pull away and when his lips touched mine, I felt as if the lighting bolt from outside the window had struck me right in the chest. The comprehension that another guy is kissing me was stunning, breathtaking, and curiously exciting. My heart added a few beats and I almost didn’t notice wrapping my arms around him. It was different than kissing a girl, not worse, but different. The warmth of his body against mine, his heart beating next to mine and our lips gliding together was an experience that enchanted me more than all the magic I had witnessed so far.

” You need to shave, ” I exhaled when our mouths broke apart for a while.

Harry giggled under his breath, in his eyes I saw the same desire I felt coming from Draco but with Harry it was different. With Harry, it didn’t disgust me. With Harry, I was willing to try this and more. 

” You too, ” he playfully retorted, planting a trace of small kisses along my jawline. 

” Why did you leave the curtain open? Give us some privacy, since you’re here ” for a moment ”. ”

Harry pushed his face into my shoulder to muffle laughter from my remark. I smiled and stroked his hair away from his face, while he reached for his wand and swiftly waved at the curtain gap he had left when he came here. Perhaps because of the nearsightedness due to the lack of his glasses, Harry didn't do the hand movement properly and the spell didn't work. We both chuckled, louder than before. In the opposite bed, Ron rolled to his stomach and fell asleep again. 

Harry tried one more time. The curtain fell close.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning I was the first one to wake up. It was a little before 8 am and everyone was still asleep. Ron had stopped snoring, his loud breathing exchanged patterns with Neville’s. I looked out the window to find out that last night’s thunderstorm had left a beautiful autumn morning behind it. A huge, golden sun was rising at the clear blue sky, strewed with white, feather-like clouds. Underneath, a line of sepia-colored trees was waving in a southerly wind. Normally, this early I was sleepy like a bear and had to pull myself out of the bed by my hair. But being in Hogwarts seemed to have fixed my sleeping issues. I was eager to get up and start the day. 

Harry was sleeping, his head resting on my chest, the same position he fell asleep last night. I was watching his peaceful face and thinking. For a second, I felt inclined to think that whatever happened between us was nothing but a dream and I might have believed that if it wasn’t for us being naked and our pajamas crumped at the foot of the bed. The intimacy with Harry had led me into a trance-like state and I couldn’t describe it with the usual word ” sex ”. It was something else something that left me feeling blissful and fulfilled. Something that my nature had craved without me even realizing it.

Harry moved slightly and I caressed his head, the raven black strands gliding through my fingers. He opened his eyes and looked at me, smiling. 

” I thought you were sleeping. ”

” Partly, ” he said drowsily, ” I like listening to your heartbeat. ” 

Harry kissed my neck just above the collarbone, the stubble of his beard scratching my skin. It seemed that during this night we have both gotten a lot older, as I badly needed to shave as well. 

” Did you like it? ” he asked so quietly I almost didn’t hear it.

” Yeah. Did you? ”

He smiled and moaned faintly, possibly from the memory of our nude bodies gliding against each other.

” Very much. You’re perfect, Thomas. I wish we could spend time like this forever. Everything feels excellent now. ”

” Don’t get carried away though, ” I reminded, just remembering the fact myself, ” I’m only going to be around for a year. ”

Harry pushed himself up on an elbow and propped his head on his hand. ” And then what? ” 

” Then I’m returning to the Muggle world, where I belong. ” 

This thought grieved me more than I could expect. It shouldn’t – I would see my parents again, meet my friends and continue with my normal life and things I was used to. I would be able to live safely again, without worrying about some dark wizard showing up on my doorstep in an attempt to steal my soul. I will have an ordinary Muggle lifestyle with Hogwarts in my mind till my last breath. Not a day would pass without thinking about the wizardkind...and Harry.

” You know, sometimes Muggles are allowed to stay in the wizarding world, ” Harry said, a note of enthusiasm sounding in his voice, ” for example, the parents of Muggle-borns know all about it. Or, if you’re the spouse of a wizard... ” 

I laughed, louder than I should, as Ron and Neville turned in their beds, obviously awoken. 

” Are you planning our wedding already? After a single night of fun? ” 

Harry pouted playfully, rolling off of me and reaching for his pajamas. He had heard his friends waking up as well.

” I’m not proposing to you yet, just offering the possible solutions for the future. If you want to stay with me, there are ways to make it happen. ”

I don’t know what Ron thought when he saw Harry getting up from my bed. I saw his eyebrows rising a little, but nevertheless, he smiled at me and wished me a good morning. Neville didn’t seem to notice anything. I wasn’t ashamed of what we did and even if someone didn’t approve it, I wasn’t going to let it get to me. Quickly, I shaved, showered, and brushed my teeth, in my mind already seeing the breakfast table. 

The fresh, crisp September air that hit me in the face when we exited the castle to go to the Herbology class, left me dumbfounded. The smell of wet leaves, rain, sunshine, and muddy soil saturated my nostrils. On the way to Greenhouse Three, I saw the damage of the storm in the castle’s territory. Scarlet, rust-colored and yellow leaves were lying in large heaps on the ground. Professor Flitwick was vanishing huge tree branches, broken off of the nearby trees. The sun was shining through a haze of autumn morning mist, dressing the vicinity of Hogwarts in a fairytale-like vibe. A feeling of excitement and dignity bubbled in me as I walked among Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Our red and gold scarves were flaunting behind our backs in the icy breezes. 

Professor Pomona Sprout became my favorite professor almost as soon as I saw her. For a while, I couldn’t understand why but then realized that she reminded me of my mother. Even though they looked nothing like each other, it was her smile and positive attitude that made me feel attached to her. 

Hogwarts greenhouses looked pretty much like regular Muggle greenhouses, only increased in size. Inside, there were plenty of green and colorful plants, lines of pots, and piles of ground everywhere. Enchanted by the jungle-like atmosphere of this place, I moved too close to one of the pots and didn’t notice sneaky, leafy vines approaching me behind my back. They grabbed my arm and the plant seized me tighter in its grasp, pulling me closer. As hard as I fought back, the green living critter had firmly caught me as if I was its prey. 

” Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Muggle, ” professor Sprout said, hurrying to my side, ” it’s just the Venemous Tentacula. Move aside and stay still. _Diffindo!_ ”

A flash of pink light shot out of the tip of her wand and the part of the plant that was gripping me fell off as if it was sliced off with a knife. Instantly, I stepped away from the pot. The cut-off vines were still wriggling on the floor, trying to grab on to something. 

” Come, ” professor Sprout took my hand into her palm with short fingers and dirty nails, ” you’ll help me today, Thomas. ” 

She led me to the front of the class where inside brown clay pots purple, disproportionate apple-sized bulbs were quivering. I watched the strange things with caution. 

” Now, today we'rere going to be repotting the Bouncing Bulbs. They are a necessary ingredient in some potions, like the Pompion Potion and these ones should be easy enough to handle, however, they can become aggressive when feeling threatened. That’s why the most important thing is to get a good grip of them or you might end up with a broken nose, busted lips, or a few bruises at the least. Mr. Winters and I will demonstrate how to do it. Now, Thomas, please take the bulb. Hold it firmly! ”

Hesitantly, I reached into the pot and tried to get a hold of the purple thing with a bunch of leaves growing on top of it. As soon as my fingertips brushed against it, the bulb suddenly jumped aside and painfully hit against my hand. I was only able to somehow manage the violent plant when using both hands. It didn’t look like it but it was strong. 

” Good! Now put it inside the other pot and hold it there while I bury it underground. Not too easy, is it?” 

It wasn’t easy at all. The bulb was wriggling, spinning, thrashing, and swirling in order to get out of my hands as if it was fighting for its life. Fortunately, it didn’t have any teeth or it would be even worse. Professor Sprout poured loads of soil on top of it until the pot was full and the only thing visible from the Bouncing Bulb was its leafy green stem. 

” Very good, Thomas, ” she praised me, ” 10 points to Gryffindor! You’ll have to work in pairs, for as you can see it’s too much of a work for one person. ”

I paired up with Harry and together we put all we got into these pots and the Bouncing Bulbs that weren’t interested in cooperating at the slightest. One of the bulbs leaped high up and hit Harry in the face, barely missing his glasses. The other students didn’t do too well either. The bulbs were jumping all around the greenhouse and students chased them, wrestling with the stubborn plants. 

One of my bulbs broke away from my hands and in one large hop plunged to the ground, rolling away. I left the pot and ran after the annoying critter, other students doing pretty much the same. Hermione was trying to use a spell to get the Bouncing Bulb down from the roof of the greenhouse where it was trying to escape the burial. I collided with a Hufflepuff student and we laughed about it. And then, when I finally grabbed the bulb from underneath one of the desks, my face slid up a white shirt as I was getting up. 

First I thought that another student and I had accidentally run into each other again. But then I felt the scent that was already familiar to me – sandalwood, bergamot, and amber. I didn’t need to look at the green and silver tie to know who it was.

Draco Malfoy was standing in front of me, some of his knuckles bleeding from the fight with the bulbs. Even when covered with dirt and ground he was neat and elegant as always and looked at me with a dark, strange gaze that made my skin crawl. Without saying a word I gripped the restless bulb tighter and indifferently turned my back on him. As I was leaving, I felt something touching my hair lightly. Either those were Draco’s fingers or his wand, I didn’t see it and neither did Harry, too busy with burying the previous bulb. I acted as if I hadn’t felt anything. At that point, I was sure that if I didn’t give Malfoy any attention, he’d stop sooner or later. 

All of Hogwarts classes were interesting and captivating to me but Care of Magical Creatures officially became my favorite. I had always loved animals very much, even though during my childhood I wasn’t allowed to have pets because my dad was allergic. I had to do with petting my friends’ dogs, cats, or hamsters and then wash my hands thoroughly to avoid bringing any hair home. And sometimes, when I felt lonely, I longed for an animal friend that would accept me the way I am without questions. 

Professor Wilhelmina Grubby-Plank was a kind-hearted woman and a competent teacher. Under her keen supervision, I was allowed to hug unicorns. The pure-white horse fearlessly put its head on my shoulder, allowing me to pet the glossy mane of this amazing creature that I had only read of in fairytales and up until a few weeks ago considered to be a myth. The animal all the Muggles thought of as fantasy, was in my hands, alive and real.

I helped to feed Mokes, a magical lizard that shrunk at the sight of me and became so small I could barely find it, and Knarls that looked so much like the ordinary hedgehogs I couldn’t tell the difference. Jackalopes resembled the combination of a hare and a deer. But what really caught my attention was located in a fenced area, shielded by the huge trees of Forbidden Forest. 

The creatures looked like horses that hadn’t been fed for a year. The famished bodies showed every single bone and I couldn’t understand how their skeleton frame was able to hold up two massive, leathery black wings. They were standing still and quiet like statues and that gave me a ghostly feeling. I couldn’t believe Hogwarts would allow their creatures to get this malnourished but that was the first impression I got. The horses looked as if they could fall dead at any second. 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione came up to me while I was trying to understand the view in front of my eyes. Maybe the animals were ill, I thought.

” Can you see them? ” Harry asked, leaning against the fence.

” Yes, of course. Why do they look like that? ”

He smiled. ” They’re supposed to look like it. I know, they probably give you an eerie vibe, but they’re actually very gentle and loyal. They're called Thestrals. ”

” Who have you seen die? ” Ron blurted out and received Hermione’s elbow in his side. 

” None of your business! ” she snapped back as if the question was posed to her. ” For once in your life, think before talking! ” 

” Die? ” confused, I looked at the three friends. Harry sighed. 

” Thestrals can only be seen by those who have seen death, ” he explained.

Who did I see die? No one. Unless you counted the characters in video games when they got their heads blasted off, nothing else came to mind. I was living peacefully in one of London’s safest neighborhoods. The crime rate was low and people were friendly. I had never even been to a real-life funeral. 

One of Thestrals came close to the fence and cocked its dragon-like head. It had a blank stare so it was difficult to tell whether it was looking at me or not, but I certainly felt its attention. And when I stared into Thestral’s white, pupilless eyes, I remembered. Yes, I did see someone die. 

I was 14 years old back then. It was a warm, sunny spring evening and I was riding through the streets on my bicycle. I reached the intersection that I normally kept away from but that day it wasn’t busy anymore as it was quite late already. A young woman, a stranger to me, was walking on the pedestrian crossing. In her hand, she was carrying a plastic shopping bag and looked neither left nor right. She had reached the middle of the crossing when a car shot out from the opposite lane. It hit the woman and sped away, running from the incident. 

The shopping bag ripped and the groceries scattered all over the street. I squashed an apple under my sneaker as I was rushing to her side. She was still conscious when I took off my hoodie, put it under her head, and called the emergency number. However, it was too late. The woman died in my arms before the paramedics arrived.

I spent the following weeks depressed. I mourned her death even though I didn’t know her. In my head, I went through the scenario thousands of times, thinking about if there was something I could have done to save her life. Eventually, I trained myself not to think about this situation no more. I had managed to put it out of my head to the point where I didn’t even remember it happening unless something reminded me. This time it was the Thestral. Maybe the creature wanted me to know why I was able to see them. 

” Sorry, ” Ron uttered in a guilty voice, probably seeing my facial expression. ” I can be really stupid sometimes. I didn’t want to bring up bad memories, honest. ” 

” It’s fine. I just don’t want to talk about it. ” 

Hermione shot a murderous stare in Ron’s direction, who hung his head like a whipped dog. Harry patted my shoulder comfortingly. The Thestral spread its enormous wings and flapped them, sending gushes of sand, pine needles, and dead leaves in our faces.

The Charms class was the last class for the day and this was one of those classes where I couldn’t do anything to take part in learning. Usually, in these situations, professors gave me a book or two to read or to enjoy the moving pictures in the newspaper ” The Daily Prophet ”. Professor Flitwick didn’t. Either he didn’t think of it or assumed I would have enough fun just by watching. Not to say that I didn’t. 

The class was practicing Vinegar-to-wine spell. Professor Flitwick made the students do it in pairs and turn each other’s vinegar into wine, so Harry left me and went to sit with Ron. Obviously, the spell was difficult enough, as most of the class failed. Their vinegar turned into the ice instead of wine or simply exploded, thick, black smoke fogging the entire classroom. 

I was sitting alone, thinking. Outside it was raining again and I felt bitter. The memory of the dead pedestrian was still flaming in my mind. Once recalled, it wasn’t going to go away that easily. It had been 3 years but now it felt like it only happened yesterday. I could still see her glassy eyes, her blood splattered on the pavement, her groceries everywhere. And I couldn’t help her. I was just a child.

All of a sudden, a small paper bird appeared in front of me, fluttering in the air as if it was alive. Unsure, if it was meant for me, I didn’t touch it but when the paper creature didn’t leave and kept circling my head, I caught in it my hand where it unwrapped, revealing a note, written in black ink. My first guess was that Harry might have noticed me feeling kinda blue and tried to cheer me up by bewitching a piece of paper. 

I looked behind me. Harry didn’t seem like he had time for that. He was concentrating hard on the spell and wasn’t even looking my direction. Was there someone else who had nothing to do? I read the slanting, calligraphic handwriting and instantaneously felt worse than I did before. 

_I just want you to know I always get what I want, Thomas. You won’t be an exception._

I didn’t turn around and ripped the paper into many little pieces but the note repaired itself in a second. No matter how many times I tried to destroy it, it collected itself together straight away. I pushed the note over the edge of the desk but as soon as it fell onto the floor, the paper turned into a bird again and flew back on my desk. Behind my back, I heard someone chuckling. Malfoy. 

I sat back into the chair and wondered if the note will follow me when the class is over and I get up to go to the Gryffindor tower. Professor Flitwick could likely get rid of it in a heartbeat but once again, I didn’t want to be a snitch. I crossed my arms on my chest and tried to bring the road accident back into my mind. It was more pleasant to think about that than Malfoy’s whims or should I say, threats. How the hell was he raised if he couldn’t take ” no ” for an answer? I had met thugs that had more decency in them than he did. 

And sure enough, when professor Flitwick let all of us go, the little bird flapped its wings and flew right after me. To not make it obvious that someone had made a piece of paper to follow me and ridicule myself, I grabbed the goddamned bird and stuck it into the pocket of my jeans. Hopefully, Hermione would be able to vaporize it when we’re back in the common room. 

For the last time that day, I felt the scent of amber, bergamot, and sandalwood. As if there was no other way to exit the classroom, Draco passed me, his fingers brushing along my belt, supposedly accidentally. When I struck where his hand had been, I hit myself on the hip instead. He was gone, lost between the figures of many students. 

The little paper bird was still fluttering in my pocket.


	9. Chapter 9

” _Finite!_ ”

Hermione pointed her wand towards the paper bird that wouldn’t leave me alone. Immediately, the spell was broken and it fell to the table, inanimate. The piece of parchment unfolded, displaying the note for everyone to see. We sat in silence, staring at it. 

” He seems to get seriously obsessed with you, mate. ” Ron was the first one to interrupt the quiet. ” Are you still sure you don’t want Dumbledore to know about it? It might get worse. ”

” Ron’s right, Thomas, ” Hermione said, putting her wand back into her pocket. ” It’s high time Dumbledore found out about Draco’s behavior. He’s not going to blame you, don’t worry. ” 

I didn’t say anything. It wasn't the blame I was concerned about. I simply wasn’t that kind of person. I was used to dealing with problems entirely on my own and not even my parents knew when I was going through a tougher time. If it was possible to hide my going away to Hogwarts, I would do it, but the two wizards arrived in front of my family and disclosed the news for everyone to hear. And to complain to the headmaster that one of his students was making sexual advances towards me was weird and in a way, unacceptable to me. 

” _Incendio!_ ” 

Harry turned his wand to the note and momentarily it was on fire. Orange and yellow flames quickly consumed the paper right on the table. Startled, I jumped back from the sudden blaze.

” _Aguamenti!_ ” Hermione yelled, jets of clear, icy blue water from the tip of her wand extinguished the mini fire. ” My God! Are you mad, Harry? Setting our common room on fire! ” 

” I hate him, ” Harry spat out spitefully and walked to the window with his back at us.

And if at that point it wasn’t yet clear to me that Harry was taking Malfoy’s attention to me to heart more than anyone else, the following night he made it crystal clear to me. That late autumn evening was the first time we fought. When the boys’ dormitory was empty – Ron and Neville were still working on their delayed home assignments – Harry had a breaking point of some sort and surprised me in a way I would have never expected. 

” Why is it that you don’t want to let Dumbledore know? ” he asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. 

” For what? What will Dumbledore do to him? Shake a finger in his face and say ” Bad Draco, don’t do it again? ” How does that solve anything? Malfoy isn’t a 2-year-old. ” 

” Well, at least you’ll be doing something, Thomas! If you don’t do anything about it, Malfoy will start to think you’re actually enjoying him making passes at you. ” He fell silent for a moment as if considering something. ” Maybe...that’s true? Do you enjoy this kind of flirting? ”

I poked my index finger at the temple. ” What? Are you nuts? Of course, I don’t. ” 

” Then why don’t you want it to stop? ” Harry got agitated, his eyes lighted up like a fire inside an emerald. ” Thomas...do you...do you like Malfoy? ”

” Are you stupid? ”

” That’s not an answer. ” 

” Ask a silly question and get a silly answer. ” 

We stared each at other, both stubborn. I started to feel attacked and nagged. As sweet as he was, Harry began to irritate me. I wasn’t going to allow my peer to scold me as if I was his child, especially after knowing one another for a relatively short period of time.

” Why would I sleep with you if I liked him? Why would I reject him if I had sympathies for him? ”

” Your actions speak differently, Thomas. You know you have possibilities to make him stop pestering you, yet you’re refusing them. Why? ”

” Are you jealous? ”

” What if I am? I don’t want Malfoy nowhere near you! ” 

The smoldering charcoal into me was about to ignite in the same fire Harry had created on the common room’s table, burning the note of Draco. I didn’t want to lose my temper but this interrogation made my patience to melt like a polar ice cap. He was accusing me of something I had never had in my mind. Malfoy was nobody to me but Harry didn’t seem to understand it. I wondered if this reaction if the result of him being cheated on before, but even if it was, I had nothing to do with it.

” Isn’t it a little possessive? You’re wrong if you think you’re going to tell me who I can keep in touch with and who not. You don’t know me at all to set me any rules. And get off my bed! You’re not sleeping with me tonight if you’re acting like this! ” 

Visibly insulted, Harry stood up before I had finished talking. With his lips pinched in a thin line, he threw a cold glance at me and walked to his bed, turning his back at me as he lied down. I did the same thing. There you go, Thomas, I thought, it was dumb of you to think you could live here for an entire year without having an argument with someone. One of my worse qualities was one of the inability to apologize. It was extremely hard for me to ask for forgiveness even if I was the one at fault. I tended to hope that things would somehow settle themselves and failed to remember that sometimes a simple ” I’m sorry ” had a lot to do with actually receiving forgiveness from the other person. 

I spent that night awake. I felt exhausted but couldn’t fall asleep no matter what. The sounds of tossing and turning came from Harry’s bed and I knew that behind closed curtains he wasn’t sleeping either. I wished I could regret making love to him as that magnified the sense of torment inside of me. Just because I didn’t want to involve more people in Draco’s infatuation with me made Harry jump to totally wrong conclusions. I lied under blankets with my eyes open and listened to the bedwear swishing when Harry was changing positions. He did that about every few minutes. The conflict between us was bothering him as well or else he would sleep.

Harry and I didn’t speak for about a week. Each too proud to make the first step, we ignored each other in the common room and pretended that the other one didn’t exist at meals in the Great Hall. When walking down the hallways to or from classes, we had Ron and Hermione between us to avoid walking next to each other. In classes, I was sitting next to Neville, Hermione, or someone else while Harry was sitting with Ron. Sometimes, when I had my head stuck in a book while the other students were doing classwork, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glancing at me every now and then. When the week was coming to the end, I already considered my relationship with him done and over with. Another failure. 

Due to my complicated nature, it wasn’t easy for me to hold a relationship. The few girls I had dated in the past, broke up with me after a couple of months. One of them claimed I was harsh and unbearably blunt. The fact that I never beat around the bushes had pushed the most patient people away from me. Even wizards. In a little corner of my heart that I hardly ever showed, I knew I longed for Harry’s gentleness, especially at nights when my bed seemed too big and too cold.

Hermione and Ron tried their best to reconcile us but it was impossible. I refused to apologize for something I didn’t do and Harry seemed to hold onto the belief that I’m keeping silent about things, that there’s more in my head than I let him know. In a way, he was right. My mind was stuffed with thoughts about Voldemort, Death Eaters, and my family that was depending on the protection of wizards. All of that I couldn’t for the life of me tell Harry or anyone else. 

On the weekend we were all heading to see the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Listening to the delightful, ecstatic voices of Gryffindor boys when they were speaking about Quidditch, I wanted very much to see the game with my own eyes and finally, the chance came, even if it was darkened by Harry’s and my fight. 

Hermione and I were sitting among a crowd of other students in the high seats raised in the stands. People were cheering and clapping, welcoming each team that walked into the pitch with a wave of ovations. I noticed that the only students to support Slytherin were Slytherins themselves, the majority seemed to root for Gryffindor. In silent anxiety I watched the 14 brooms with players on them, ready to rise. Ron looked quite nervous and Hermione whispered in my ear that he was in fact insecure of his abilities as a Keeper.

A short, shrill sound of a whistle and the game began. The players flew up so quickly I didn’t know where to look. The brooms darted past one another in such sudden swishes it made me hard to follow at first, but then I learned to notice the scarlet and gold Gryffindor robes. The game was like nothing I had ever seen before. It felt as if I was witnessing a natural element, a tornado, a hurricane. It was mighty, ominous, and tied my stomach in a knot. Even watching my favorite football team on TV never gave such powerful sensations. 

Above everyone else, I saw Harry. He was circling the pitch higher than everyone else, slowly but persistently, carefully scoping the surroundings for the Snitch. Not far away, Draco Malfoy was mimicking his movements like a vulture. I knew that it would upset me a lot if Slytherins won and not just because I was a Gryffindor. That might worsen the relationships between Harry and me even further. 

Both teams were scoring points equally for a good while. Demelza Robins and Katie Bell managed to get Gryffindor 20 points each but Slytherin chasers soon evened this result up, managing to get past poor Ron when his nerves got the best of him. Harry and Draco were still floating up in the air, with the Snitch nowhere to be seen.

The last thing I saw was Harry pulling his broom upwards and dashing straight into the air. I could only guess if he noticed the Snitch. This thought was followed by something hard and heavy smashing into the side of my head, sending a shockwave through my entire skull. I felt as if my brain had been splattered in a bloody puddle and leaking out through my ears. My eyes fell shut and before falling into a deep, pitch-black abyss, I heard someone’s voice screaming my name. 

I had no idea how much time had passed, what happened, or where was I. I kept drifting in and out of consciousness periodically as if I was submerged underwater and surfaced, repeating the loop over and over again. My limbs felt as if they were made out of cotton, and I could only take small, short breaths because of the feeling of fifty cows sitting on the top of my chest. A heavy sensation pulled me down as if I had grown into the earth in one of professor Sprout’s greenhouses.

Thoughts, words, and sounds were sliding past me and I couldn’t be sure if I was actually hearing it or if it was just a dream. Sometimes I knew I was awake but couldn’t open my eyes or say something. 

” He needs to be taken to St.Mungo’s. No matter what I do, it seems to only get worse. If he stays here, he might not make it. You know I wouldn’t say it if it was something I could mend myself, headmaster. ”

” We can’t do that. St.Mungo’s is outside of Hogwarts’ grounds. He’ll be in danger in there, especially in a condition like this. Contact the healers from St.Mungo’s. I’ll lift the Anti-Apparation Charm so they can come here immediately. Meanwhile, do whatever it takes. We cannot lose him, madam Pomfrey. ”

In a way, I understood they were talking about me but I might have been wrong and there could be someone else in here with me, someone who also needed to be protected, maybe even more than me. I recognized Dumbledore’s voice but didn’t know who the woman answering him was. My eyelids were so heavy that for the hardest I tried, I couldn’t open them. Then a jet-black drape fell in front of all of my senses. I couldn’t say or hear anything and my body felt disconnected from me. In the futile attempts to as much as move a finger, I forsook the reality once more. 

When I finally got to open my eyes, I felt as if I had slept for thousands of years. My head was heavy, hurting, and pulsating, my body was weak and I was sleeping on my back in quite a hard bed. The blanket covered me up to my chest and I was wearing what looked like white pajamas. 

I sat up a little bit to look around and saw a large room with lots and lots of beds with white sheets and privacy screens. Sunlight was shining through the large windows and I could see that the trees outside were completely leafless already. Their naked branches were swaying in the breeze.

” No, no, no, don’t even think of getting up, Mr. Winters! ”

The warning came just in time, as the attempt to leave the bed caused a symphony of pain to surge through my head. A middle-aged woman wearing a red dress with a white apron appeared from nowhere and hurried towards me. When she came closer, I could see a few grey curls edging out of her headwear. 

” Why not? I feel horrible. ” 

” Well, how do you expect to feel after such an injury? You’re very lucky to wake up, Mr. Winters. ”

” Where am I? ” 

” In Hogwarts hospital wing. ” 

” Are you a doctor? ” 

She looked at me and smiled amiably. She looked like a sweet grandmother, yet was too young to be called that. ” I’m a healer. Madam Pomfrey, I’m tending to Hogwarts students who get hurt during the school year. ”

I tried my best to remember but every time I strained my brain for a memory, it felt as if a brute hand was squeezing the living daylight out of the organ. I had a terrible headache and couldn’t recall the reason for being in the hospital. The last thing I remembered was...Harry. On his broom, racing after the Snitch. 

” What happened? ” 

Madam Pomfrey sighed and shook up the pillows behind my back. Then I was allowed to slowly sit instead of laying down. 

” Quidditch, ” she said abruptly, ” that sport should be banned, for heaven's sake! You got hit in the head by a Bludger. Apparently, the Beater of Slytherin miscalculated his swing and sent the Bludger flying right towards the audience. It wasn’t aimed directly at you, anyone could be lying here instead of you. We thought you wouldn’t make it. After all, an iron ball shooting at its top speed at someone means massive head trauma. Your skull was fractured and the brain began to swell. What complicated the situation further was the fact that you’re a Muggle which means that your physiology is different from that of a wizard. I had never cured Muggles before. ”

” And then? ” 

” Well... ” she hesitated, choosing appropriate words, ” I did all I could but even after all the healing spells your condition seemed to worsen with every hour. I asked the headmaster to move you to the wizarding hospital where they treat the most severe cases but it was impossible due to the fact that you wouldn’t be safe from Death Eaters as soon as you left Hogwarts premises. Then St.Mungo’s healers came here. Only then you slowly started to improve. Dumbledore wrote to your parents about the incident. ”

Oh dear, I could imagine my parents’ reaction when they received the letter. Their son is sent away to be safe from an evil wizard and almost gets killed by something else. In madam Pomfrey’s hands, I saw a folder containing the record of my treatment left by the healers of St.Mungo’s. Across the cover, huge red letters were shining like a traffic light spelling ” MEMORY CHARMS PROHIBITED ”.

” Well...can I return to the Gryffindor tower now? ” 

” Absolutely not, ” madam Pomfrey answered kindly but strictly. ” You’re not strong enough yet to go anywhere. Even though you seem to be out of the woods now, I can’t let you go for another week or so. You have a healing charm put on you that’s taking effect slowly to not provoke another brain swelling. But since you’re awake now, which is a great sign, you can have visitors now. Not that they didn’t come already, but you were unconscious. ” 

She pointed to the nightstand next to my bed. It was full of all kinds of sweets, fresh flowers, and lots of magical books. Tears welled in my eyes, the loving gesture of my friends touched my heart and sharp pain pierced through my head as I made the slightest movement. I looked outside, where not a single leaf was left in the trees. 

” Madam Pomfrey, what day is it today? ” 

” November 1th. ” 

I was dumbstruck. ” You mean I was gone for a month? ” 

” Yes, Mr. Winters, nothing strange about that. With a head trauma like that, you could very well be gone forever, honestly. ” 

She left me for a while to look at the other patients. Aside from me, there were only a few other students behind privacy shields, hinting that wizards didn’t get ill or hurt as often as Muggles. Only then I realized I was horribly hungry and started to unwrap one of the dozen chocolate frogs. 

” Madam Pomfrey, ” I called her back as she was about to leave the hospital wing to go into her office. A thought came into my mind. ” Could you tell me who won that Quidditch match in September? ”

She stopped and turned around, looking at me with a true surprise on her face. Probably she thought that would be the last thing I cared about – who won in the match that almost killed me. But I did care and I did want to know. 

” Gryffindor, I think, ” she replied briefly and I could hear in her intonation she wasn’t the biggest Quidditch fan. ” Potter managed to catch the Snitch soon after your accident. ” 

I got a little sad that I missed this moment. Even though Hermione had told me that Harry is a great Seeker, I would have loved to see him scoring the victory with my own eyes. To cheer with the other Gryffindors and to see the faces of Slytherins fall. Harry...what was he doing now? Did he also come to bring me some of the gifts or was he still offended by what I said? Would he come to see me today? Tomorrow? Or maybe I had thought too much out of a few loving nights. 

Later the same day the door of the hospital wing opened and the chocolate frog didn't seem as sweet anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

I surely didn’t expect this to be my first guest. This was the face I wanted to see the least. I put down my food, appetite was gone forever when Draco Malfoy strolled into the hospital wing. God damn it. I hoped that he might have come to see another patient but no, he was heading straight towards me. I felt like by the time I’ll be leaving Hogwarts, I’ll have learned to hate silver and green colors for the rest of my life because they would remind me of the Slytherin house. Or maybe not...that latter was also the color of Harry’s eyes, after all. 

I sighed audibly when he came up to my bed, to make sure he heard and understand the annoyance that his unsought-for visite caused me. Draco pulled up a chair and sat next to me, the creases of his neatly ironed trousers looked sharp as a razor blade. 

” Are you not going to leave me alone even in the hospital? ”

” I just came to see how you’re doing. ” 

” Brilliant, as you can see. Now leave. ”

Draco crossed his legs knee over the knee and obviously didn’t even think of leaving. His facial features shifted to form the arrogant sneer I knew so well already. But he definitely wasn't wearing it when Harry grabbed the Snitch from the tip of his nose, such thought almost made me smirk in return. 

” That’s rude, ” he said and reached for the toffees, noticing the mini confectionery on my nightstand. ” Injured folks normally are happy when someone visits them. ” 

I slapped his hand away from the sweets. My friends didn’t bring all of it for him to gobble down. 

” What’s rude is to barge in without finding out first if the patient is in the right condition and wants to see any visitors. ”

Malfoy was twirling the ring on his finger. I ran my eyes over it carelessly and saw what looked like another serpent. Slytherins seemed to be obsessed with snakes while I disliked reptiles. There was something about them that was appalling. 

” I bet you wouldn’t be speaking like that if it was Potter sitting here, would you? ” Draco said frankly as he leaned a little closer to me. I pulled back, the sudden movement sent a jolt of pain through my brain. 

” Can’t you see I’m not feeling well? I didn’t invite you here and certainly wasn’t waiting for you. Get out of here and let me rest! ”

” What did he tell you about me? That I’m mean? That I’m evil? That’s so much like Potter, he’s the only one who’s a saint! ”

In Malfoy’s voice, I heard the same disdain that was apparent in Harry’s voice as well when he was talking about Draco. They both hated each other way more than I acknowledged and I wondered why. Have they already fought in the past over a guy or a girl? Or were the reasons behind their antipathies purely of wizarding context? I could only make my judgments based on the few months I had spent in Hogwarts. I didn’t like Malfoy because of his ignorance, harassment, and stalking tendencies.

” He didn’t tell me anything I hadn’t witnessed for myself by now. You have totally ruined the first, the second, and all the following impressions of yourself. I’m not attracted to you and want nothing in common with you. Leave. ” 

” Who are you attracted to then? ” Malfoy insisted. One of his hands lied on top of my blanket-covered thigh. ” Potter? Are you actually interested in skinny, four-eyed weirdos? I’m better than him. ” 

I jerked my leg away which sent a chain of unpleasant sensations through my head once again.

” Leave, before I call for Madam Pomfrey! ”

” That won’t be necessary, Mr.Winters. ” 

A composed, authoritative voice surprised Draco and me unprepared. Talking to him I hadn’t noticed the door opening and someone else coming in. Albus Dumbledore was walking towards me, sublime, his silvery grey robes flaunting with every step. Looking at the elderly wizard sent an army of ants down my spine. I felt like a peasant standing (or sitting) in front of a king.

The headmaster came up to my bed and gave Malfoy a stern look. Only a blind man wouldn’t see the frustration in Dumbledore’s face. He looked as if he was at the point of yelling, though I couldn’t imagine the headmaster truly raising his voice. 

” Wait for me in my office, Draco. You and I have certain things to discuss. Now please let me have a private conversation with Mr.Winters. ”

Draco got up without saying a word and Dumbledore took his place on the chair. Walking away, Draco managed to grab a single candy from my nightstand behind Dumbledore’s back or so he thought. But when he reached the door of the hospital wing, Dumbledore’s wand flickered a little and the candy sprung out of Malfoy’s pocket and flew back to me, the red wrapping glittering in the sunlight.

” Not nice to take what’s not yours, not nice at all, ” the headmaster said, smiling kindly, ” Madam Pomfrey told me you’re awake. I see your housemates are pampering you like there’s no tomorrow. I’m truly glad you have met friends in Hogwarts, Thomas. How are you feeling?” 

” Honestly, not too well, professor. ”

” Well, that’s probable. You gave us a good fright, son. Don’t do it again, will you? ” he softly patted my knee. ” But, since you’re conscious now, we could talk about the issues between you and Draco Malfoy. As you understand, I sent him away for a reason. ”

” Who told you? ” 

Dumbledore smiled, the wrinkles of his face danced around his eyes. ” Let’s say – someone who cares about you a lot. Being a victim is nothing to be ashamed of, Thomas. You certainly mustn’t feel guilty for something someone else did to you. ”

For some reason, I was quite sure Hermione was the one to notify the headmaster of the unwanted attention I was receiving from Malfoy while I was laying in a comatose state, unable to object. If he knew, then there was no point in denying something. I told Dumbledore every little bit of my interaction with Draco and wished the incardinated flying note from him still existed. But it was gone and Dumbledore had to take my word for it. As I was speaking, his face grew more and more somber.

” I’d like you to remember this, Thomas, ” the headmaster said steadily when I was finished, ” no Hogwarts student has to suffer alone and put up with a deliberate abuse. I know you’re a strong young man and can stand up for yourself but if someone’s too thickheaded to understand it, there’s no shame in asking for help. ”

I nodded in agreement. No teacher in my Muggle school had ever made me feel the degree of respect I felt for Dumbledore and I doubted it had to do with the fact that he was a wizard. It was his persona that made one want to hear and pay attention. My Muggle teachers were either overly strict to the point students would skip their classes to avoid meeting them or so lenient that class did whatever they wanted, not listening to the teacher at all. Including me. I liked to play games on my phone under the desk and I would greatly appreciate being able to use the device now. 

” Would it be possible to get my phone working, sir? ” 

” I’m afraid not, ” Dumbledore crushed my hopes in the most polite manner possible, ” these walls are so full of magic it prevents any Muggle device from working properly. With hundreds of wizards and witches around, nothing can be done about it. I’m sure you understand. ” 

I felt relieved I was smart enough to not take my computer with me or I would be stuck with two totally useless gadgets. Oh well, I thought, time to use my rusty imagination and find other ways to entertain myself.

” Get well soon, Thomas. No one enjoys spending time in the hospital wing away from friends. Forgive me for saying so but if you were a wizard, you’d probably be healthy weeks ago. Now let’s hope your anatomy cooperates and the magic from skillful healers can improve your condition. ”

He smiled at me one more time and got up, about to leave. The long robe wavered around his body like wings. 

” Professor, ” I said while he was still relatively close to avoid yelling the secret all over the hospital wing, ” I remember some foggy details about the time I was unconscious. Why did you try so hard to save my life? If I die....he wouldn’t get what he wants for sure. ” 

Dumbledore came closer and looked down on me, an expression of amazement glided over his face. The wand poked out of the folds of his garments.

” We don’t let our students to simply perish if there’s the hope of saving them. Yes, your death would prohibit him from obtaining you forever but you’re not just a useful tool or a valuable asset, Thomas. You’re someone’s friend, son, grandson, lover. Besides, I’m positive you yourself don’t really prefer dying at the age of 17. ” 

He gave me a slight bow as if I was the headmaster and left. I stayed alone in the hospital wing again and listened to the branches of the trees outside that were scraping against the windowpanes, the sound of bottle glass clanking from Madam Pomfrey’s office, and someone who tossed in the bed across from me behind a privacy shield. Sun was shining right on my bed, pleasantly warming my legs. Time was around noon and I was longing for the meals of Great Hall and company.

When all the classes were over and the setting sun was throwing blood-red rays through the ancient windows, Hermione and Ron visited me. It seemed that they had come here straight after studies, their school bags hanging on their shoulders. Seeing me, both beamed as if the best thing in the world had happened. Ron squeezed my shoulder amiably and Hermione gave me a wary kiss on the cheek. 

” How are you doing? We were so worried, ” she said, sitting down the same chair so many people had sat on today.

” I’ve been better. What’s new in the Gryffindor tower? ” 

” You won’t believe it – nothing, ” Ron cackled, placing a pack of Ice Mice on my nightstand. ” Everything’s precisely the same as it was when you...left. Well, you missed the Halloween feast but that was nothing special, honest. Not much to see. Just imagine the Welcoming feast but with lots of pumpkins around. ” 

” Dumbledore visited you today too, didn’t he? ” 

” Yeah, ” I answered, giving her a reproaching glance, ” did you chatter everything away to him? ”

Hermione straightened her back and her face got incredibly surly. She looked at me as if I was unjustly insulting her. 

” No, I didn’t chatter. I told Dumbledore the truth. Malfoy’s actions had to be stopped, Thomas! And I was right, you know. Dumbledore had a talk with Malfoy and let him know he would be expelled if he ever came on to you against your will again. So, in my opinion, you should be thankful. ” 

Maybe she thought she had done a blessed work and saved me from Malfoy’s claws but Draco didn’t know Hermione was the one who went to see Dumbledore. He’s gonna think I was the one who did it, therefore, Hermione might have just done me a bear’s service. Because of the trouble he got into, Malfoy could become even viler to me. But there was no point in trying to explain it to Hermione. She was convinced she was right. 

” Thanks for these, by the way, ” I pointed to the mountain of sweets, ” keeps me nourished between meals. ” 

” They’re from Honeydukes, ” Ron smiled, ” a shop in Hogsmeade village. When you’re alright again, we’ll take you there. And actually...most of them are from Harry. ”

” Where is he then? Is he still angry with me? ” 

Ron and Hermione exchanged a troubled, cautious look that gave me a bizarre sensation. I felt as if they were about to tell me something bad. 

” No, he...he thinks you don’t want to see him. ”

I fell silent for a moment and wondered when would Harry and I made peace if I didn’t get hurt in the Quidditch game. I couldn’t even clearly remember what was it we fought about. We had a misunderstanding about things so unimportant they weren’t worth mentioning. Harry was jealous. He didn’t want me as much as speak a word to Malfoy. Guided by my temperamental nature, I took it as an attempt to restrict and control me. We were both wrong. 

” Tell him I want to see him. Very much. ” 

Ron and Hermione spent with me another half-an-hour and then left, piles of homework waiting for them in the Gryffindor common room. It was quite late already and I wasn’t expecting anyone else today. After the sun had gotten down, it got dark very quickly outside. Magical lights danced into the huge iron chandelier, filling the room with a gentle, warm light. I took one of the magical books and prepared to spend the rest of the evening studying the world I had become a part of.

About ten minutes later the doors of the hospital wing swung open and in stormed Harry. He looked half-crazed, his hair so messy as if he hadn’t combed it since he was born. He was dressed in Gryffindor uniform – sweater, trousers, and tie – but lacked the robe and that made him seem more like an ordinary next-door guy rather than a wizard. The door behind him closed with a loud bang that startled all the occupants of the hospital wing. 

Madam Pomfrey turned around and shot an enraged look his direction. She almost spilled the liquid from the teaspoon she used to give medicine to a sickly-looking first-year. 

” Potter! Don’t slam the door! Where do you think you are? ” 

But Harry didn’t seem like he heard her or if he did, he didn’t care. His eyes darted from bed to bed rapidly, as if he was desperately searching for something. Then he finally found me and without hesitating for a second, ran up to me. Before either of us could say anything, his lips latched onto mine with an almost frantic intensity, as if he had been starving and his hands clutched around me as if I was his lifeline. Harry’s mouth was sweet, demanding, hungry. No more polite ” can I kiss you? ” This was a simple “ I want it, period! ” type of kiss.

I only managed to break away from him for a moment when I remembered we’re not in the dormitory’s bed behind closed curtains. Here everyone could see us and I freaked out, thinking about Madam Pomfrey, who witnessed two boys kissing in her hospital in front of other patients.

” Harry, we’re not alone, you know. ”

” So what, ” he whispered back, nuzzling my face, ” the Minister for Magic himself could be here for all I care. I haven’t talked to you for a month. ” 

A while later Harry did calm down after all and held my hand while we spoke about little things that were on their own insignificant but filled us with such a cozy sensation. I ruffled his hair, trying to get it to look as accurate as it was possible without a comb. Harry looked tired and sleepy, his skin had a faint tint of grey, as if the last month had sucked all the energy out of him. The emeralds of his eyes were dreamy and tender. 

” If I had seen what happened to you at that match, I would have never caught the Snitch, ” he stated, ” but I was too high up and concentrated on the game only. Good for Gryffindor. ”

” As far as I know, Gryffindor usually wins. ” 

” Against Slytherin – yes. Other houses have stronger teams, or sometimes I think it might just be pure luck, whoever wins. Speaking of Slytherin... ” he paused for a moment, playing with my fingers, ” I’m sorry. I was an idiot. You’re right, I have no authority to tell you what to do. And it was never my intention. It’s just that...thinking that you could prefer him over me drives me mad. ” 

I pulled his nose jokingly and rubbed the stubble on his chin that he again hadn’t bothered to shave. He was like a small kid that’s asking an adult for forgiveness. 

” Forget it. Everything’s fine. Malfoy came today as well before Dumbledore fended him off. Now he might stay away from me. Or not. I don’t care. I don’t give two fucks about him. ” 

Harry smiled wearily and put his head on my chest, we cuddled as much as the space allowed. 

” I missed you so much, ” he breathed, nibbling my pajama shirt.

We spoke and laughed for a long time until there were no visitors left in the hospital wing anymore. The dead silence was cut by our voices only. Shortly before 9 pm madam Pomfrey walked out of her office and approached my bed. She had changed, dressed in a robe that looked more like a nightgown than a medical cloak. 

” Now, lovebirds, I apologize for interrupting your snuggling, but the visiting time is over. Potter, back to your house! Thomas needs to rest. ” 

Harry was clearly unwilling but didn’t talk back to the school’s healer. He stood up, winked at me, and walked out of the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey closed the door behind him and put out the lights in the chandelier with a flick of her wand. Wishing me goodnight, she returned to her office, probably to lie down as well.

I tried to fall asleep but the hospital bed was much firmer and more uncomfortable than the bed in the dormitory. My head was slightly painful, but better than this morning, the healing charm was apparently working. Thinking about something specific over and over again normally managed to lull me to sleep, however, tonight I couldn’t find a proper topic to think about. If I thought about Harry, I would never fall asleep as it only filled me with more excitement. I couldn’t think about Voldemort either because that was too terrifying and I couldn’t think about my parents because that made me want to cry. 

While I was thinking about what to think about, I heard the door of the hospital wing opening with a slight creak, but when I looked behind me, I couldn’t see anyone. ” Must have been the wind,” I assumed, ” madam Pomfrey didn’t close it properly. ” 

And when I decided to think about magic in general, something gripped my shoulder. Frightened, I yelped and my heartbeat quickened as there was no one near my bed. A ghost? But ghosts were at least somewhat visible, even to me...

” Shhh, it’s me, ” a familiar voice said in half-a-whisper. 

” Harry? Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me! ” 

” Thomas, hush! ” 

A wooden squeak came from Madam Pomfrey’s office. The door of her room partly opened and the healer's head appeared in the gap. She was wearing a white, laced bonnet over her gray curls.

” Mr. Winters? Do you need anything? ” 

” Uhm...no, thank you, ma’am. ” 

” I thought I heard you screaming. Is everything alright? ”

” Yes, I’m fine. There was a spider in here, that’s all. ” 

The office door shut close. Harry under his invisibility cloak and I stayed quiet. We couldn’t talk, not even whisper. The hospital wing was so quiet that even the tiniest sound would alert Madam Pomfrey. Harry could barely lie down with me, these hospital beds were obviously meant for one person only. We held on each to other and I wish I could see his face but no of us dared to take off the invisibility cloak. The healer would be mad as hell if she saw Potter here in the middle of a night when she sent him to the Gryffindor tower hours ago. Even though he was invisible, his presence made me feel damn good and I no longer hand to rack my brain about how to fall asleep. 

” A spider, huh? ” Harry permitted one, very quiet breath. 

In the dark, I smiled at where his face should be. ” A fucking spider. ”


	11. Chapter 11

Weeks were flying like hours and I was released from the hospital wing in a good time – shortly before Christmas. I borrowed Hedwig to send a Christmas card to my parents. This was going to be the first Christmas I would spend without my family and that filled me with deep grief. Even though I was constantly surrounded by people who cared about me, I felt more alone than ever. 

When I went to the owlery that early morning, my heart was breaking. I hadn’t seen my parents’ faces for months and would be willing to risk a Death Eater snatching me just to have a single glimpse at them. That was, however, unnegotiable. I should have realized that much myself when I asked McGonagall to allow me to visit my parents at Christmas. The elderly witch’s reaction was very similar to what it would be if I said Hogwarts is burning down. She strictly forbade me to even think about as much as setting a foot outside of Hogwarts bounds, no questions permitted. So when Ron invited me to celebrate Christmas with his family, I had no choice but to refuse. 

” Come with us, ” my red-headed friend said, as he was packing his bag the day before Hogwarts Express took students back to their homes. ” My family lives in a plain but very comfortable house. My mom is a great cook, she’ll fatten you up in no time with those awfully good tasting meals of hers. And my dad adores Muggles. He could talk to you for hours. ”

” Thanks, Ron, ” I said regretfully, grieved by the fact that Hogwarts would stay the only part of the magical would that I was allowed to explore. ” But I can’t leave Hogwarts premises. It’s...one of the conditions from the Ministry of Magic. ”

” Oh? Well, pity. But Christmas in Hogwarts is beautiful too and you’re not going to be the only one staying in school. ”

This conversation was stuck in my head when I woke up earlier than anyone else. Nearly Headless Nick had started to enjoy to mess with me. Whenever he saw me, the ghost would fly in front of the exit of the Gryffindor tower and wouldn’t leave, so that I had no choice but to walk through him. Usually, I played along but that day I was in no mood to dick around with him. I stepped out of the tower without saying a word. 

With my letter in hand, I went out of the castle on the very cold winter morning. The coldness that came from walking through a ghost was very much like the outside temperature. It was freezing. The bitter frost stung my face, nostrils stuck together and I hid my bare hands in pockets. Being stupid and hasty, I had forgotten to bring gloves or mittens with me. 

Heading to the owlery, I looked behind my shoulder at the castle that looked like a sparkling monument, forged out of ice. Hogwarts almost seemed to be in almost different time zone. It was hard for me to remember the last time it was snowing in my Muggle neighborhood. Winters were more like autumns – dark, wet, rainy, and without any trace of snowflakes. Perhaps it had something to do with global warming and this planet that people had successfully managed to fuck up.

I waded through the snow, the tiny ice crystals were crunching under my boots. No one else was around, most of the students and staff were still sleeping. When I entered the owlery, many owls were sleeping too after their nightly rodent hunting. I found Hedwig in the very upper cage, the snowy-white owl looked as if she was sleeping as well, her head tucked under her wing. However, after a few moments, the bird looked at me and flew down onto my arm. The sharp claws dug into my skin even through clothing. 

I petted Hedwig’s head, she was keenly watching the envelope in my hand. The owl knew what she’ll have to do and the strong, curved beak vice-gripped the letter from my hand. I considered explaining the directions to the bird but Harry assured me she’ll know where to go herself.

” Fly to my parents...please. ” 

Hedwig looked at with her large, yellow eyes and instantly soared up in the air, flying out of the owlery into the winter sky. I followed her with my eyes until the owl became nothing more than a tiny white dot in the distance and then completely vanished behind the clouds.

Harry’s first plan was to go with Ron and celebrate Christmas in the Burrow but he changed his mind once he found out I’m not going. Instead, he had made his own plans regarding these Christmas. 

” Ron and his siblings are going to the Burrow. Hermione is heading home to spend Christmas with her parents. Neville will also go visit his grandmother. Which means... ” he leaned closer to me, his lips almost touching my ear, ” just you and me in the dormitory for two weeks. Nobody, nobody else. ” 

Of course, I knew what he truly meant by this seductive phrase, but decided to play innocent. ” Yes? Won’t it get boring eventually? What are we gonna do – play chess? ”

Harry laughed, his hand squeezing my fingers with a strength I didn’t know resided within his slender body. 

” Whatever you want. It definitely won’t be boring, I promise. ”

Though I expected Hogwarts to turn into a magically luxurious place for Christmas I wasn’t ready for all the enchantment and extravagance that awaited me. Hagrid beamed at me from under his beard as he was helping the professors to set up twelve gigantic, frost-covered fir trees in the Great Hall. Thick streamers of holly were hanging wherever I looked. A warm, glistening, and dry snow fell from the ceiling onto our heads. Around the castle, suits of armor were cheerfully singing Christmas carols and Peeves the poltergeist mocked them with much ruder versions. The students described the poltergeist as a troublemaker, but he never touched me. Some said Peeves witnessed me smashing Malfoy’s face and was afraid of me. 

” Look, ” Harry stopped me as we were walking through the hallways and pointed up, ” a mistletoe. ” 

I looked up to see a bushy formation with thin green leaves and lots of white, small berries. It was cute for sure but nothing so eye-catching to be gazing at it in the middle of a hallway. 

” Don’t you know the tradition? ”

” What tradition? ”

” One is allowed to kiss anyone standing beneath a sprig of mistletoe. If a kiss is refused, bad luck befalls the person who said ” no.” ”

I smirked, glancing up at the leafy plant. ” You really believe that? ”

” I want to, ” Harry answered and quickly pressed his lips on mine. Whether it was just a tradition or were there magical reasons behind it, the mistletoe above our heads seemed to grow thicker and brushier as we kissed. 

The Christmas morning dawned sunny, snowy, and extremely cold. The first thing that came into my mind when I opened my eyes was whether Hedwig reached my parents’ house already and they could enjoy a card from their son or was she late and they would receive my greetings later. During the night frost had created a beautiful mosaic of ice-flowers on the windowpane in the boys’ dormitory. Enormous snowflakes were dancing slowly through the icy air and never in my life had I felt more unreal. Hogwarts was a fantasy, a dream I was scared to wake up from. 

Harry moved in the bed next to me, feeling that I was awake. His eyes were still fogged with sleep but he embraced me and held me tight, pushing a box, wrapped in silky, rustling paper with a ribbon on top of it, into my hands. 

” Merry Christmas, Thomas, ” he purred, his hair tickling my cheek. His head rested on my shoulder and for a moment I thought he had fallen asleep again.

I sat up and my eyes went so wide they almost popped out of the sockets when I saw the huge pile of gifts at the foot of my bed. I had never received so many presents in my life and first I thought they might be for both of us, but no. Another hill was towering at the foot of Harry’s bed as well and the fact that it’s all for me alone baffled me. 

” Is all of this from you? ” I asked, carefully approaching the bigger and smaller boxes, each encased in shiny papers.

” Some of them are. I guess there must be other well-wishers who want to congratulate you. You might have not noticed, Thomas, but there are lots of people who like you. You’ll never know without opening them. ”

We sat on the floor and started to rip the wrapping paper off the boxes and packages. Harry’s gift was two pairs of mittens with the Gryffindor emblem on them – just what I needed in this harsh weather. Someone from Ravenclaw had sent me a Bludger souvenir as a funny reminder of my collision with the real thing. There were dragon models, wizard chess sets, an enchanted razor, a lunascope, and a mokeskin pouch. Besides being satisfied and unimaginably happy, I was wondering where all these gifts came from. My parents surely couldn't afford it, even if they knew where to send them. 

Among all the gifts there were several heart-shaped boxes of sweets that came from girls in Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Their photos were smiling and sending me air kisses. 

” I wouldn’t eat those, if I was you, ” Harry warned, unpacking what looked like a new dress robe, ” they might be laced with love potions. One can expect anything from our witches, especially when it comes to cute Muggle boys like you. ”

I hesitantly opened one of the boxes. The chocolates looked completely ordinary and delicious. I wasn’t going to actually eat them as I took magical warnings seriously but when I picked one of the candies out of the box, Harry hurried over and smacked the pack out of my hand. 

” No! I don’t want you slobbering over some slutty witch bimbos! Give me those! ” 

Harry grabbed the sweets boxes away from me and tossed them across the room. Some of the packs opened and the candy scattered all over the floor. I started to laugh. Harry was a special type of adorable when he was jealous and in a way, I liked to annoy him. I liked to see his eyes sparkling, the curve of his lower lip when he was pouting, and the peevishly cute facial expression. 

” What’s so funny, huh? ” 

Harry lunged at me, his teeth nibbling the skin on my neck so hard it caused me pain that was soothed by his hot breath and warm, moist tongue. I moaned at how fast my body reacted to his closeness. The teenage hormones might something to do with it as well but I was certain that the biggest reason was Harry himself. I felt him growing hard as well and his hand slid under my pajama shirt.

” Ahem. ” 

Alarmed by the sudden voice, we broke loose each from other. Forgotten in passion, we hadn’t noticed someone had come into the dormitory. Professor McGonagall was standing in the doorway and on her face there was a grimace you would have when you see something that makes you uncomfortable but try to hide it from your features. She was wearing a long, moss-green dress with bell sleeves and a high collar. 

” Good morning, professor, ” Harry said in a shaky voice, just as distressed as me. 

” Morning, Potter, ” McGonagall replied, throwing glances around the dormitory, ” I’m just doing rounds to make sure that the remaining students are alright. Why do you have such a mess in here? I know that gift unwrapping is a thrilling thing but no need to lose your mind. Clean those candies up as well! ”

” Professor, ” I addressed her when Harry was vanishing the melting chocolate and shreds of paper with his wand, ” who are these presents from? That’s a lot. ” 

McGonagall looked at me graciously and despite the strick tone, today she seemed to be in a very good mood. It was as if joy was bubbling inside of her but being a professor, she couldn’t demonstrate it openly. She was clearly filled with the Christmas spirit. 

” They’re from school. Merry Christmas, Mr. Winters. ” 

Then she left, having three more houses to visit. I was still a little unnerved about what she saw even though she said nothing about it. For some reason, I was positive McGonagall had never caught two boys kissing before. A boy and a girl – probably, wizards and witches were humans with human needs and wants. The likelihood that there was a school full of boys and girls and nothing sexual ever happened between them, was impossible. However, a gay couple might be uncommon in Hogwarts.

Finally, only one gift was left unopened and it was meant for me. It was wrapped in black, satin-like paper with an elegant, silver ribbon on it. The gift immediately gave me a crawly feeling. Maybe because of its atypical, non-Christmas-like wrapping, as the other presents were packed in bright colors. The small box was laying on my bed and I didn’t want to come near it.

” Do you want me to open it? ” Harry offered and I handed him the gift. 

Under the glossy, dark paper there was a jet-black box. I started to feel frightened. Is somebody trying to curse me or something, I thought, when Harry took the small note that was attached to the box, so perfectly white it ghostly contrasted with the deathly blackness. The note said my name in delicate handwriting that I recognized. I knew who the sender was before Harry took the lid off of the box.

Inside, there was a little fortune. Golden Galleons shone like the sun itself when Harry and I poured them out of the box to count them. More than 500 golden coins that belonged to me now. Malfoy. Realizing his words had no effect on me, now he had obviously decided to buy me. No better way to do it than by sending me a Christmas gift that he thought I wouldn’t have the heart to reject. After all, who says no to money? But I didn’t even want to touch the coins, made out of pure gold. Accepting them would mean I’m fine with Malfoy’s intentions. A dark cloud suddenly hauled itself over the crisp, wonderful Christmas morning. 

Harry looked at the present the same way, his pretty nose wrinkled from aversion. My first instinct was to throw the money in the garbage. Then I thought of giving it to someone who actually needed it, like some penniless Muggle-borns. Or maybe send it to my struggling parents. Then I changed my mind. I was going to neither keep it nor give it away. 

When we walked to the Great Hall for the Christmas feast, I was carrying the box with me. I had decided to shove it in Malfoy’s face and make him choke on his money. But when Harry and I took out places at the Gryffindor table and I looked over to the Slytherin table. Draco wasn’t there. Only a handful of Slytherins was waiting for the feast and Malfoy wasn’t among them. He was one of the students who spent Christmas at home and had found a way to spoil my holidays without even being here. Nice.

When Dumbledore wished all of us Merry Christmas and the meals appeared on tables, my infuriation eased. I wasn’t going to allow Malfoy to ruin my Christmas time. The dinner was amazing, as always and I was madly hungry. Hogwarts had spoiled me already. I had gotten used to having delicious, filling meals regularly and that might turn into a problem when I’ll return home where plain meat and vegetables were the food we ate 99% of the time. Roast turkeys, chipolatas, and fried potatoes with rich gravy and cranberry sauce was something my mother didn’t cook even on holidays. 

A girl dressed in Ravenclaw uniform tiptoed over to the Gryffindor table. She was a little plump and her strawberry-blonde hair went down her waist. When I lifted my eyes to look at her, her cheeks took the color of a tomato. 

” Merry Christmas, Thomas, ” she said, quite softly and shyly. 

” Merry Christmas, ” I answered, suspecting that she could be one of those girls who tried to smuggle me a love potion and had come to check the effect.

The girl shifted from one foot to the other and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. Then she turned around swiftly and rushed over to the Ravenclaw table where she was met by other blushing, giggling girls. Oh well, I thought, witch or not, a female is a female. Nibbling on his buttered peas, Harry witnessed it all, of course, but said nothing. Either he didn’t consider this particular witch to be a rival or wasn’t worried simply because she was a girl in the first place. I was glad he had gotten kinda meek with situations where other people showed me attention.

Harry and I pulled a wizard cracker that exploded in an almost deafening bang and a bunch of little mice ran over my lap, disappearing under the table. I found a proper hat in one of these things, though it was a little too silly to be worn in public. 

I watched the professors drinking wine and felt a sudden desire for alcohol as well, despite it was impossible here. The only thing that distantly reminder liquor was butterbeer, even though it was more like lemonade than an alcoholic beverage. Firewhiskey wasn’t sold to students and getting drunk was probably forbidden as well. I recalled the Christmas I had with my family when we all emptied at least one bottle of mulled wine or brandy. Or the long summer nights I had spent with my friends, walking through the town, laughing, and drinking one beer after another.

After the feast, it was still quite early. I walked next to the huge Christmas trees that smelled like winter, ice, fresh air, and pines. Harry took my hand in his. Our stomachs overfilled, we slowly walked back to the Gryffindor tower. Everyone seemed to have slowed down their pace and a strange, invisible blessing fell upon Hogwarts. 

” Do wizards believe in God? ” I asked Harry when we lingered by the statue of the gargoyle that was wrapped in several wreaths of aromatic holly. 

” Yes. Many do. At least Christianity is quite common among wizardkind. Are you a part of some religion? ” 

I shook my head. My parents were atheists and I, without a doubt, was raised the same way. When a part of our acquaintances and friends got up early on Sundays to go to the church, we were sleeping in and then lazing around the house, maybe joining our neighbors for BBQ. That was it. I didn’t believe in angels, the Bible, or the Saviour that died on a cross thousands of years ago, hammered down for the sins of humanity. I considered that bullshit.

The Gryffindor tower was so empty that if we yelled in the middle of the common room, we could probably hear an echo. Outside it was still snowing and the windows were ice cold to touch. I could understand students that left. They wanted to spend the holiday with their loved ones. However, no family Christmas could ever compete with Christmas in Hogwarts. I could feel the magic and miracles in the blood that coursed through my veins. Today the fact that I was a Muggle, didn’t matter. A little wizarding spark lived in my heart regardless. 

” Have you ever been to the Prefects’ bathroom? ” Harry suddenly asked, jolting up from the armchair he was sprawled in.

” No. ”

” Great! Get a towel and let’s go. I can’t believe I didn’t show it to you earlier!” 

A bathroom? What’s so special about it? I thought Harry wanted to spend time with me alone but instead, he decided on the spot he wanted to...go take a shower? Now? But I also knew there was no point in arguing with him, Harry could be just as stubborn as I was. I didn’t have to look far for my towel. I had received one of them as a gift. As Harry was rummaging in his stuff for his towel, I watched the magnificent snowflakes and suddenly, the thought of a warm bath didn’t seem so bad.


	12. Chapter 12

We walked through the empty hallways of the fifth floor until Harry stopped in front of a door next to the statue of a lost-looking wizard with gloves on the wrong hands. 

” I haven't been here since my fourth year. Hopefully, the password hasn’t been changed. Pine fresh! ” 

The stone door slid aside, disappearing into the opposite wall, revealing a passage. Quickly, we slipped inside and bolted the door behind us. Nobody else was present on the fifth floor but I felt like we were breaking the rules once again. Harry wasn’t a Prefect, let alone me. So technically we weren’t supposed to be here but during the holiday, the staff probably took a little break from catching and punishing misbehaving students.

Normally I stuck with showers and didn’t enjoy bathing that much as it made me feel like a sea cucumber, soaking in my own dirt. However, just a single glance at the bath that looked more like a swimming pool that a bathtub changed my opinion on taking baths. Maybe it was the undeniably romantic atmosphere, created by a splendid, candle-filled chandelier that poured soft light all over the room. Possibly it had something to do with the moving mermaid in the stained glass window that gave us a shy glance and turned away, hiding behind her long hair. On the windows next to the mosaic, long, white linen curtains hung. Wherever I looked, there were white marble, taps, and bath supplies. 

As soon as we entered the room, the rectangular bath immediately started filling on its own. Colorful jets of water shot out of the golden, jewel-decorated taps and the water level raised so fast it was almost incredible, considering the bath’s size. Mountains of thick, ice-white foam filled the entire tub and overflowed, making us jump aside. In less than a minute the bath was full, waiting for us.

We undressed, leaving the clothing further away where it wouldn’t get wet. Harry took off his glasses and put his wand next to them. The water was the perfect temperature, very warm but not so hot it wouldn’t be possible to get in. I was amazed at how deep the bathtub was, deep enough for swimming. The water reached my shoulders and I wondered if the tub was somewhere like Muggle pools that gradually went from shallow to deep. Enormous piles of foam towered above my head.

Harry came up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, his head rested on my shoulder. His mouth gently nibbled my clavicle and I dampened his hair with my wet, foamy hand. Some bath supply had probably been added to the water, causing our bodies to feel slippery. Underwater my hand traveled along Harry’s sides and between his hips. He was completely ready by now as if bathing alone was enough to turn him on. He flinched slightly from my touch and looked up at me.

” You have such gorgeous eyes, ” he said, leaning into me, relaxed and blissfully happy. 

I smiled at him, remembering the moments when my heterochromia had given me a few embarrassing moments when I was unable to explain to people why one of my eyes was blue and the other one – brown. My parents used to joke that I must have grabbed one eye from each of them, as my mother was blue-eyed and my father was brown-eyed. 

” I like the way you react at new things, ” Harry said, ” the expression on your face is to die for, honestly. ” 

I smirked. ” Enjoying the gawking of a dumb Muggle at the sight of magic or what? ” 

” God, no! I’m talking about the shine in your eyes, your moments of silence when you try to process what you just saw quietly, even though you have so many questions. How you try to act like it's normal when magic is totally out of the ordinary for you. ”

” I wasn’t born to be a wizard, ” I stroked the hair back from his forehead which uncovered his scar. The sight of it brought Voldemort into my mind and I would have shivered if not for the warm water. ” And me being here is nothing but a coincidence. We might as well have never met. ” 

Giggling, Harry was building a foam hat onto my head. Though the foam seemed so airy, it did have a noticeable weight and I shook it off, sending bubbles flying right, left, and into Harry’s face. He chuckled, submerging his head underwater to rinse it off. 

” But we did. I’m just glad they sent a cutie like you instead of a middle-aged Muggle grandpa. ” 

” Not into daddies, are you? ” 

Laughing, Harry shook his head. Water was splashing from his wet hair like a dog that’s trying to dry its coat. I wasn’t into daddies either. Actually, I was still quite surprised I was into guys, to begin with. Maybe Harry was the single exception in my sexuality, as I didn’t find myself attracted to any other guy in Hogwarts. Or girl. Of course, there were young, attractive wizards and witches all around me and some of them even fancied me, as far as I knew. But what I felt towards Harry was something I had never experienced before, a storm of emotions that no other person had even managed to cause. I guess it could be called falling in love.

Harry pulled me closer, his arms locked around my neck. I placed my hands on his hips, diminishing the last distance between us. Our cocks touched and I watched Harry biting his lip, his fingers digging into my shoulders as I slowly stroked him through the water. 

” Wanna discuss something else or should we just...feel? ” 

Harry gasped in response and we got to what we came here to do all along. This glamorous bathtub wasn’t meant for conversations about wizards and Muggles and I wondered how many students had snuck up in here for some bodily pleasures. Even though we locked the door, I was kinda on guard, as this would be the most inappropriate moment for McGonagall or some other professor to appear. But there was dead silence on the fifth floor, except for the snowflakes that fiercely pounded the windows of the castle.

If that gloomy August day when I was sitting on Hogwarts Express someone told me I would end up making love with a housemate of mine, I would have told the person to get lost with their nonsense. It was hard to believe that even when he was in my arms. I loved how submissive Harry was, allowing me to do anything I wanted to him. I loved the way he moaned my name over and over again. I loved him thrashing in my arms, lasciviously begging me to stop, claiming he couldn't take it anymore and pulling me closer at the same time. I loved the look on his face when he reached the peak of pleasure and blood filled his cheeks, blooming in rosy flushes on his skin.

After two or three times we had no energy left anymore, our teenage libidos satisfied for a while. Knowing myself I was certain it wouldn’t take long before I’ll want to touch him, caress him and be inside him. It was just a question of which of us would feel the itching desire first. We returned to childhood, playing with the water, splashing foam into each other's eyes, and invented our own games. We would blow the football-sized pink and blue bubbles from one side of the tub to the other, competing on who could keep the bubble going for the longest before it burst. We played hide-and-seek among the piles of foam. I knew that without his glasses, in distance Harry could only see a blurry outline of me so occasionally I yielded and let him win. We felt silly like small kids, fooling around, laughing, and pushing each other underwater.

Then we took a rest, dabbling lazily in the water that was still just as warm as when we first got in. I was floating on my back, thinking about what would my parents say if they knew I’m having sexual relationships with another boy. My mother would probably accept me but my father...I remembered hearing him putting gay people down when something homosexuality-related appeared on the TV. And was I gay to begin with? Back at home, I was thinking only about girls when I jerked off. Harry was the first boy I had ever let so close to me and resisting him was impossible. I could still taste his seed in my mouth.

Harry walked over to me, his fingers ran along my stomach. I bent my neck to look at my abdomen as well. After eating so well every single day and relatively little movement, not to expect some belly fat development would be a delusion. But my stomach was still flat, so either the food was enchanted to be less rich in calories or I wasn’t eating as much as I thought. Fortunately, obesity wasn’t a problem for my family. The only relative of mine that wasn’t lean was my aunt who started to gain weight after giving birth to three children.

” Nice muscle, ” Harry said, softly tickling my stomach just above the belly button. ” Are you an athlete? ” 

” Not really. I used to play football and run track. Once or twice I was sent to represent my school in a sports competition. Won third place in the long jump. And one time my parents and I ran 26 miles in a marathon. Came among the last ones, of course. ” 

” I could sign you up for Quidditch. I think you might make a good Beater. ” 

I looked over to him unbelievingly. ” Are you planning my death or what? Just being a viewer almost sent me to the afterlife. ”

Harry was opening his mouth to answer when a high pitched giggle and an audible plop came from the toilet stalls on one side of the room. Moments later, a ghostly looking girl emerged from the toilet bowl right in front of us. She was dressed in Ravenclaw uniform and wore thick glasses, her dark hair put up in two ponytails. The girl’s chin was propped on her hands as if she was watching a really exciting spectacle. 

” Oooh, is that what we do now in Hogwarts? ” she said in an adenoidal voice. ” Boys on boys? Harry, when did you switch teams? I remember when you used to visit me in my bathroom. Haven’t seen you for ages now. ” 

” Myrtle, ” Harry replied, sounding quite annoyed, ” we’d like some privacy, please.” 

” Sure, sure. After all, who would like to be around the whining, crying, moaning Myrtle? ” the ghostly girl sobbed, her head disappearing into the toilet bowl.

My eyes stayed fixed on that stall. I was feeling a little bad for the girl as she seemed to take great offense to Harry’s words. But I was unpleasantly surprised at the same time. How long had she been in there? Did she watch Harry and me making love? What kind of Peeping Tom tendencies were those? That left a disgusting aftertaste. 

” I thought you said we would be alone in here, ” I looked at Harry reproachingly.

He shrugged culpably. ” Well...it's impossible to completely block ghosts. They kinda go wherever they want. ” 

” Why have I never seen her before? ” 

” She usually only haunts one of the girls’ bathrooms. Moaning Myrtle. Always crying, very easily offended. ”

Moaning Myrtle popped out of the toilet bowl like a jack-in-the-box. Wailing loudly, she flew all the way to the ceiling. 

” I knew it! Talking behind my back! Everyone talks behind my back! Nobody cared for my feelings when I was alive and now that I’m dead they care even less! And I came to warn you both, but now...now I won’t! ” 

” Warn us? ” Harry asked, squinting his eyes to see the ghost better. ” Warn us about what? ”

” Now he wants to know! ” Myrtle snorted snarkily. ” After mocking me! I won’t tell! Get in trouble for all I care! ”

” How the hell do you expect someone to like you with this kind of attitude? ” I said, following the floating ghost with my eyes. ” No one likes those who bitch all the time, alive or dead. ” 

With a blaring screech Moaning Myrtle dived right into the bathtub and appeared less than few inches away from my face. It was a weird contrast – the lower part of my body was warm but the upper one was drenched in the icy cold as if the window of the bathroom was opened, letting the winter air in. Along with the polar-like waft that came from her, I could see the reasons she was bullied when alive. Myrtle wasn’t the best looking girl. Not at all. 

” A smartass, huh? You and your pretty face don’t know what it’s like to be me! Philosopher! ”

She turned her back at us and glided away over the foam, her face sulky, her lips pouted and head hanging low. Shortly before reaching the toilet stalls, Myrle waited for a moment and slowly looked over her shoulder at us.

” It’ll be 10 pm soon. You better start packing if you want to return to your house in time. ” 

Having said that, she jumped into the toilet bowl and vanished. Harry and I hurried out of the bath. Even Christmas was no exception to wander around after 10 pm. We didn’t bother to as much as dry ourselves and the clothes stuck to our wet bodies, making it difficult to dress. I left my belt open and Harry only buttoned his shirt halfway. Towels hanging around our necks we unbolted the door and I could hear the swirling sound of water behind us as the bathtub emptied itself. 

Luckily, we managed to get to the Gryffindor tower without someone seeing us. We had to stop a few times to hide from Filch and wait until professor Flitwick walked into his office. Harry’s Cloak of Invisibility would be much more useful than the towels. Even more, when we finally arrived at the entrance, the Fat Lady was gone from her painting and only came back after a while. We stepped into the common room right when the clock of the tower rang at 10 pm.

The next day we were in the middle of breakfast when a few owls flew into the Great Hall, Hedwig among them. The snowy owl was carrying a package and a few letters, making me wonder as to how much one bird was able to carry. Hedwig dropped all of it in Harry’s lap, almost knocking over a goblet of pumpkin juice, and landed to peck onto some corn flakes from my plate. Harry quickly went through the letters and slid a white envelope towards me.

It was from my parents. On the upper right corner, they had put a Christmasy stamp as if that was necessary for a mail carried by an owl. Inside, there was a letter and a musical card that would play a Christmas carol when opened. I wasn’t hungry anymore and smiled as I imagined my mother opening the window of our living room and carefully taking the letter from Hedwig’s beak. She might have also fed the owl and given it some water. That would be so like my mother.

We walked back to the Gryffindor tower where Harry opened the package and took out two knitted sweaters. One of them he handed to me. 

” This one's for you. Ron’s mum always gifts us sweaters at Christmas. She made one for you too. ” 

I looked at the sweater, feeling touched that someone who hadn’t even seen me, thought of me. It was dark blue with a red ” T ” on the front. Somehow Mrs. Weasley had guessed my exact size too. The garment was soft and warm. I definitely should remember to tell Ron to say thanks to his mum from me when he comes back.

I sat on my bed and began to read the letter from my parents. They apologized for not having anything to gift me this Christmas because my dad had lost his job and was currently looking for a new one. They reassured me they’re safe, nothing bad had happened to them and Hedwig’s arrival was one of the most exciting events for the last months. The headmaster of my Muggle school contacted my parents to find out where I was, as nobody had seen me since the beginning of September. Rumors were going around the school. Some were spreading the classic possibilities – that I was sick, ditching classes, and about to drop out of high school altogether. Others were more creative, believing that I had died, got addicted to hard drugs, went to jail or quit school, and worked hard to support an underaged girl who had just given birth to my child. 

I facepalmed. Human twisted imagination had no boundaries and the headmaster called my parents to find out if any of these versions are true and if I’m ever coming back to the school. My mother answered that I’m dealing with serious issues and if I’m returning is for the moment unclear. She said nothing about the magical world. She knew she wasn’t allowed to.

I reread the letter several times until I had almost learned it by heart. I loved all the presents I had received this Christmas and was grateful to every single person who spent their time and money to give me joy but nothing was as precious to me as this simple piece of paper that had my mother’s handwriting on it. I felt both happy and sad and up until this moment, I hadn’t fully grasped the extent of how much I missed my parents. I loved them so much and hoped with all my heart they had a very happy Christmas even if I wasn’t there to celebrate with them. 

Lost in my letter, I wasn’t paying attention to Harry who was reading his letter that came with the sweater package. I didn’t notice his eyebrows furrowing into a deep line on his forehead as his eyes ran over the parchment. If I looked up at him, I would have seen that he had received some shattering news.

Only when he got up and came to sit next to me, I finally realized that four months of half-truths have unexpectedly come to an end. 

” Don’t you trust me, Thomas? ” Harry asked brittly, folding the parchment in half. 

” What makes you say that? ” 

” I have no other way to see it. We’ve been sleeping together for months, yet you obviously don’t have much faith in me. Why? ” 

” What’s the matter? I do have faith in you. ”

” But not enough to tell me who you are, ” he looked into my eyes, visibly hurt, ” are you actually a wizard who pretends to be a Muggle? And if you are a Muggle, what are you doing here then? Something doesn’t make sense. ”

” What are you talking about? I don’t understand, Harry. ”

” I’m talking about that story you’ve been giving to everyone around here. How you’re in Hogwarts because the Ministry of Magic made it happen. It’s rubbish. Ron mentioned you to his dad who works at the Ministry. They never sent any Muggles to Hogwarts. In fact, they were horrified about such a possibility alone. Why are you here? ” 

Harry placed the folded parchment that was Ron’s letter into my hands. I didn’t open it. First, because I was taught to never read a mail that wasn’t mine, and second – what’s the point? I had a hunch of what Ron wrote in there. He probably warned Harry that their newly acquired friend is a liar and a cheat.

” I’m willing to let it slide that you lied to me, ” Harry continued, ” but I need to know the reason behind it. I want to know the truth. ” 

It wasn’t as if this came as a surprise to me. From the moment I learned Ron is the son of an employee of Ministry, in the back of my mind I silently expected the truth to reveal one day. And Ron most likely wasn’t the only student with relatives in the Ministry. But nonetheless, I had promised to keep silent. McGonagall told me to keep my mouth shut with intent. 

” I can’t tell you. ” 

” Why? ” 

” I can’t, Harry. Don’t take it the wrong way. I don’t mean to hurt you. But as much as I liked, I can’t tell you. And not because I wouldn’t want to. ”

” Did someone forbid you to? ” 

I hesitated for a moment and nodded. As long as he wasn’t asking anything specific, there was no harm in answering his questions. Harry studied my face and turned to me, pulling one of his legs underneath him. For a moment he didn’t say anything, seemingly lost in thoughts. 

” Alright then. Don’t tell. Just one thing. Does it have anything to do with Voldemort? ” 

The way the name of the dark wizard sounded across the empty dormitory, send an avalanche of shivers from the back of my neck to the bottom of my spine. Harry pronounced it with a clear hatred and despise. I didn’t answer but the expression on my face must have given Harry all the necessary responses. 

” You’ve heard this name before, haven’t you? Thomas, it’s very serious! ” 

” I know it’s serious, ” I said, looking at Harry’s knees, ” but I can’t tell you anything. ”

He didn’t say anything for a moment and then jumped off of the bed, grabbing my hand in his and pulling me to feet. Harry looked upset, shocked, and incredibly frustrated. 

” Come on! Let’s go! ” 

” Where? ” 

” To Dumbledore, of course! He will explain to me what’s going on, I swear to God he will. ”


	13. Chapter 13

I didn’t like this thought at all. To barge into Dumbledore’s office at Christmas, when the headmaster was probably enjoying his holiday as well, was unacceptable and very rude. This could wait, at least till Christmas was over. I tried my best to explain it to Harry but he wouldn’t listen. That fact that I had something to do with Voldemort got him so heated he didn’t hear anything else I had to say. He dragged me out of the Gryffindor tower, his fingers locked around my wrist like handcuffs. The Fat Lady looked at us confused as if we had lost our minds. Well, maybe one of us actually did. 

I knew I could possibly stop Harry. I was strong enough to break away from his grip, yet I didn’t. Deep inside me, some little part of my being couldn’t resist him, no matter what. In a way, it was a horrifying concept – having a person in my life who had it in his power to make me lose control of myself and question my actions. Sympathies were one thing but to obediently follow someone who was about to do what I knew was a very bad idea, was not something I took lightly. Even if it was someone I liked. 

” Stop it, Harry! Think for a second! Do you realize what your impulsiveness may cost me? I promised not to tell anyone! ”

” And you didn’t. I basically pulled it out of you. You can tell Dumbledore I hexed you to make you speak, I don’t care. If Voldemort has thought of something new, I cannot be kept in the dark, Thomas. ” 

I dug my heels into the floor, refusing to go any further, and dragged Harry back. We were very close to the Gargoyle Corridor which led to Dumbledores office. I didn’t want to go in there with Harry acting so erratically. I was ashamed of what Dumbledore might think, seeing two teenagers just kicking his front door open, two boys he neither invited nor expected, two students that were supposed to be in their houses. 

” For God’s sake, Harry! Calm the hell down! I briefly know you and Voldemort have some unsettled business, but... ” 

Suddenly Harry turned around and slammed me against the wall so hard I almost got the wind knocked out of me. My spine and lungs hurt as Harry pushed my shoulder against the stone-cold wall. His eyes were flashing wildly, lightning in a green meadow. 

” Unsettled business? ” he exclaimed, enraged as if I was Voldemort himself. ” Voldemort and his servants killed my entire family! I hate him more than you can imagine. He took everything I loved from me. I’m completely alone in the world because of him. Is that enough of an unsettled business for you? ” 

” I can imagine what it must feel like, but it’s not my fault! Don’t lash out on me for I have nothing to do with it! ” 

” No, you don’t know what it feels like! Your parents are alive. You didn’t have to grow up in a family that hates your guts from day one. If I wasn’t a wizard, I would have to spend my days in a bleak state school that I doubt I would ever graduate from before hanging myself. If there’s something about you that can help me defeat Voldemort, I must know it, Thomas! ”

We stared into each other’s eyes, all alone in the corridor. It was so quiet I could hear our breathing and my own heart that was pounding in my ears like a drum. Up until this moment I never realized how different Harry and I actually were, a hard and painful lump stuck in my throat at this awareness. How could I as much as think of possibly building a life with him when there was that big of an abyss between us?

” I’m just a Muggle, Harry. An average, ordinary person. There are millions like me out there. Nothing about me that’s worth noticing. ” 

Harry seemed to regain his composure. He let go of my hands and quit trying to force me into Dumbledore’s office. My lover looked heartbroken and bitter as if he received a slap across the face. 

” Whatever you are, you aren’t ordinary, Thomas. If that was the case, you wouldn’t be here. You would have never been exposed to magic if you were nothing more than an everyday person. If you don’t know what’s special about you, Dumbledore definitely does. ” 

” Did I hear someone say my name? ” 

We turned our heads towards the end of the corridor. There, the door of the Headmaster’s office was open and Dumbledore stood in the doorway facing us. The elderly wizard didn’t seem bothered at all about the commotion we performed right behind his door. He looked at us with a good-hearted expression on his face. 

” I thought my old ears might have fooled me. I was indeed wondering when I would see you both. Ever since a small bird told me you’ve become very close, it was obviously only a matter of time. Well, come in then. Don’t falter on the doorstep. ”

The office was quiet as a graveyard and even Harry, who previously seemed like he could grab Dumbledore by the beard in order to obtain the information, was sitting with his eyes half-closed and teeth nibbling on his white knuckles. I was staring at my feet, feeling highly uncomfortable. Dumbledore was probably thinking now that Muggles couldn’t be trusted with anything, not even keeping their mouth shut when told so. If only Ron didn’t raise the noise, everything would be fine. Did he actually think I was some Muggle terrorist, managed to sneak into Hogwarts?

Fawkes was looking down on me from his high perch. The phoenix looked strangely bad today. Once magnificent, the scarlet bird now resembled a plucked turkey, dull-eyed, very deteriorated, and wretched, as if hundreds of years had passed since the last time I saw him. Then Fawkes unexpectedly burst into flames, a powerful moment that didn’t appall anyone but me, and minutes later baby phoenix's tiny head appeared from the pile of ashes. Immortal.

” Why would you hide it from me, sir? ” Harry said, ending the silence that thickened around us like a fog. ” Don’t you think I have the right to know if Voldemort has come up with new malevolent ideas? ” 

Dumbledore was standing by the window with his back facing us. In his right hand, the headmaster held his wand. He didn’t answer for a while and I thought that Harry’s questions might have offended him. After all, why should a powerful wizard like him give accounts about his decisions to a teenager? That didn’t make sense. 

” First, I was thinking of letting you know, ” Dumbledore replied, without changing his posture. His wise, aging eyes wandered into the sky, both holding the same azure color. ” But then I chose not to. Because it has nothing to do with you. ” 

” What do you mean it has nothing to do with me? ” Harry moved in his chair, straightening his back. The questioning tone in his voice was now changed by bewilderment. ” Of course, it does! I’m the one Voldemort’s after! ” 

Dumbledore turned around and gave Harry the look that a grandfather would give a grandson while delivering a life lesson to the newest generation. Yet at the same time, he appeared distraught and unwilling to talk, as if the news were too dreadful for the ears of boys. 

” No, Harry. Not anymore. ”

The last time I heard the prophecy was back in my house and now, listening to it again, I realized that some parts of it had faded from my memory. I knew it might be important to remember all of it but every word of that prediction scared me. I might have never known Hogwarts or magic if I was like everybody else but at least I wouldn’t be in danger. The wintery smell of Christmas didn’t match with the grim topic at all. I watched a small silvery teapot that puffed little clouds of smoke and only half-listened to Dumbledore's voice.

” A Muggle? Voldemort needs a Muggle? ” Harry repeated incredulously, from the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me.

The headmaster nodded while taking a seat at the massive desk in front of us.

” This Muggle is no ordinary Muggle. That’s why you’re no longer Voldemort’s main target. He knows that Thomas’s soul is the strongest weapon he could ever possess. Then it won’t matter if we destroy his Horcruxes or not. He'll be unstoppable. ”

” What’s a Horcrux? ” I blurted out without thinking and fell silent immediately afterward. Maybe there were things I wasn’t supposed to ask or know. 

Harry took a deep breath, perhaps to start to answer me but Dumbledore got there before him. 

” A magical object that contains a part of a wizard’s soul. Voldemort has several of them and until they’re all destroyed, he cannot truly die. Harry and I have been working on finding their locations. But Horcruxes are not the biggest issue now. What’s inside you is more valuable than all of his Horcruxes combined. ”

The headmaster got up and started pacing back and forth the office. His long, white hair flew around his shoulders and if his beard wasn’t tied, it would have probably created a wild tangle on his chest. Candlelight reflected in his glasses that had slid low on his nose. 

” That is why Thomas must be protected. We cannot permit Voldemort to get his hands on him. Especially because...Voldemort with his pure blood supremacy considers Muggles lesser. Worthless. Disposable. He’s already insulted that something as unimportant as a Muggle owns something he doesn’t. He won’t show Thomas any kind of mercy. ” 

I was listening as the realization gradually landed upon me. My heart skipped a beat and a feeling, heavy as a rock, plunged into my stomach. 

” You mean... ” I said in a voice that didn’t belong to me. Someone else was speaking through my mouth. ” When the year ends, it won’t be over. He’ll still look to kill me. Out of rage. ”

Dumbledore gave me the same comforting smile I knew well by now, only this time it didn’t calm me down. All this time I had thought that once I reached the legal age, I would be free to go home and live my life as normal Muggle should. I was mistaken. Dumbledore must have known it, yet he told me nothing. 

” We’ll be there for you, son. Don’t be afraid. Your 18th birthday doesn’t mean us leaving you. ”

” You cannot babysit me for the rest of my life, professor, ” I answered more strictly than I wanted. ” One day I’m going to have to move on without wizarding defense. ” 

” Then there’s only one thing to do, ” Harry announced, more relaxed than I thought would be appropriate for this situation, ” destroy Voldemort as soon as possible. Meanwhile, Thomas could stay in Hogwarts, professor. I’m sure no one would mind. ” 

Under my nose, I smirked slightly, unable to believe what he just said. Harry was smart, yet he was also capable of uttering total bullshit. Hogwarts was just a temporary home to me. It could never be my permanent residence as I simply didn’t belong here.

” Sorry, sir, ” I apologized to Dumbledore, ” I know I shouldn’t have told anyone. ” 

The headmaster smiled at me and Harry at the same time. Somehow he could do it. You could stand behind his back and still feel that his benevolence is meant for you.

” Well, I would lie if I said I didn’t expect it. It’s understandably hard to keep secrets from your boyfriend. And I know that Miss Granger and Mr. Weasely will probably find out as well. As long as it stays just between the four of you, everything is good. ”

Back in the Gryffindor tower, I felt as if I had betrayed the staff of this school, even though I didn’t give away my secret willingly. I clearly remembered the chilly September when I was standing in front of the whole school and promised McGonagall no one would find it out from me. I wanted to punch Ron in the mouth.

” You don’t want anyone to know about it, do you? ” Harry asked, throwing an old draft of an essay into the fireplace. 

” Doesn't matter. Soon the whole castle will know because someone is too dense to keep his trap shut. ” 

” Don’t be angry with Ron. He’s worried about the safety of his family, they’re widely thought of as blood traitors who mingle with Muggles. Right now it’s a dark time for wizardkind. Try to understand. ”

I didn’t understand at what moment had it gotten hard for me to heard this word. Muggle seemed almost like a taboo term, a degrading slang like the word that ignorant representatives of one race used to describe people from another race. It sounded as if Muggles were less developed, dumber beings and it was a disgrace to a wizard to associate themselves with a Muggle in any way, shape or form. That was the feeling I got from it, even though Harry tried to reassure me that wasn’t the case.

” It’s just a phrase for non-magical people, ” he appeared to be looking for the right words, ” the truth is that those who were born with magic are...slightly different from those without it. ” 

” Well then I’m not sure what have you found in me. We’re coming from two incomparable worlds after all. How often do wizards marry Muggles, really? ”

Harry came up to me and stroked a hair strand away from my forehead. I felt like I was going to need a hairdresser soon as my hair was now the longest they have ever been, reaching the collar already. 

” Sometimes. Wizards and witches are human, Thomas. We can fall in love with anyone, whether they belong to the wizardkind or not. And you...you are my favorite Muggle. ”

I rolled my eyes, imagining what would Harry have done if we never met. Would he have chosen a guy or a girl? Even though he was brought up by a Muggle family, I highly doubted Harry would have chosen a Muggle to spend his life with. I knew I wouldn’t if I was in his place. I understood well why wizards mostly chose their own kind when looking for a life partner. What’s the point of marrying someone who’s unable to do any of the stuff you’re able to do when you can have somebody who possesses the same gift as you and it’s nothing new for them. 

” But...now it’s even more important that you stay clear from Malfoy. ” 

” Why? ” 

” His father is a Death Eater. If Lucius Malfoy finds out his son is right next to what Voldemort desires the most, it’s very likely that he won’t hesitate to act through Draco to fetch you to Voldemort as if on a tray. Lucius has already failed badly many times, therefore losing any favor with Voldemort. Capturing you might be a way to raise his value in Voldemort’s eyes. ”

This thought was stuck in my head when late at night I was laying in my bed facing the window. A pale blue moonlight sparkled in the crystals of winter and poured into the room. Somewhere far away an owl hooted, warning every rodent to crawl back into their caves – the bird had gone for a hunt. Harry was laying behind me, his arms wrapped around me tightly and I listened to his peaceful breathing. A heavy boulder was crushing my heart, I couldn’t sleep and he didn’t either. 

” What are you thinking about? ” Harry asked into the back of my head.

” Nothing in particular. ” 

” And still? ”

I truly didn’t want to discuss the suddenly very real prospect of dying as a teenager. I had never given death much of a thought before. I was way too young to worry about that. Whenever I heard about the death of a young person, it was often due to their own fault. Teens used to overdose on drugs, died in car accidents caused by their own reckless driving, drowned after overestimating their swimming abilities, or took their own lives because of short-term problems that seemed unsolvable to them. I had always been sensible, quickly identified dangerous situations, and successfully avoided them. But this was something out of my control. And possibly out of the control of others too. Dying at the age of seventeen was something I never thought could happen to me.

” I know what troubles you, ” Harry said, his chin resting on my shoulder, ” but it’s not as bad as you think, Thomas. As long as Dumbledore’s here, Voldemort will never appear on Hogwarts. That bloody coward would never dare to face Dumbledore. You’re safe while you’re here.” 

” And how long that’s gonna be? A year? Five years? Twenty years? Do you think I’m gonna stay seventeen forever? That I’m immortal? I want to see my family. I want to see my friends. I have a life too, Harry, and I want to live it, not just exist in these walls! ” 

Harry jerked behind me as if I had lashed him with a whip. 

” Alright, alright. Don’t be mad. All I’m saying is that Voldemort has flaws too. Quite a lot of them, in fact. He believes himself to be invincible but that’s not true. We can beat him, Thomas, and we will. ”

My eyes wandered over the dormitory, full of silvery light. I felt as if I could hear Santa’s ho-ho-ho any minute now as he flies over the Hogwarts in his sled. Harry was holding me so snuggly it almost hurt but I didn’t object. His warm body against my back and his thigh that lay on top of mine provided a sense of safety. An assurance that he’s got me for real. 

I looked at the framed photo that stood on the nightstand next to my bed. A young couple was dancing in front of the fountain. In their faces, I saw a striking similarity to the human that was latched onto me right now. 

” Are those your parents? ” 

” Yeah, ” Harry murmured near my ear, ” the parents I never got to meet. ”

I watched Lily and James Potter as they were smiling, immortalized on this photo, swirling in an eternal dance. Falling autumn leaves were spinning dance of their own, twirling all around Harry’s parents. They were happy and in love, unaware of the dark fate that awaited them. I wasn’t sure if the moment this photo was taken Harry was born or not and I wasn’t going to dig into his soul for painful memories. 

” My mum gave her life to save mine, ” he said, ” and I must end Voldemort to make sure she didn’t die for nothing. Do you understand? ” 

I nodded. I could understand it very well. Even more, I had no doubt my mum would have done the same thing for me if it was necessary. Just like Harry, I was a very wanted, loved, and expected child. Call it a bond or not but there was something special about mums. Something only they could do for their children.

” Also...you’re one of the few people to not tell me how much I look like my father. ”

” I thought you might be fed up hearing it by now. ” 

Harry held me tighter and once again, I didn’t mind the feeling that my ribs were about to break. His breath tickled the hair on the nape of my neck. We didn’t make love that night. None of us were in the mood for it. I closed my eyes and one of my last thoughts before falling asleep was that all problems always seem worse at night time.


	14. Chapter 14

The Christmas holiday ended in no time and Hogwarts went back to its normal self, as normal as it could be in the first place. On the first day of January the Christmas trees, wreaths of holly, and mistletoes were gone so fast as if they never were there. Professors must have gotten rid of them before students woke up and the Great Hall returned to what it always looked like. In my house, Christmas decorations stayed up till mid-January at the least. 

One by one students returned to the castle and I could wave goodbye to the impeccable silence that was now replaced by non-stop talking, laughing, and resounding of hundreds of footsteps. It took a while for me to adjust to that. From the window of the Clock Tower, I was watching the long line of Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Slytherins, and Hufflepuffs walking from Hogsmeade station. 

I saw Neville, who was taking small, quick steps, covering his face from the attack of icy snowflakes. Ron and Hermione were walking next to each other, talking. I wondered if they were discussing something about me. And somewhere near the middle of the line, I saw platinum blond hair and a shiny, black robe that looked as if it was just taken from a high-class store. Draco. I didn’t know if wizards could be homeschooled just like Muggles but deep down I was hoping he wouldn’t come back after the holiday. Just as I thought it, he lifted his head and looked up. I stepped away from the window, though it was unlikely he saw me through the blizzard.

I was happy to see Hermione, Ron – not so much. My witch friend brought me a double-sided porcelain ornament that pictured the London borough I lived in. Being a Muggle-born, she knew how much it would mean to me to have a piece of home. 

When Ron wanted to initiate a conversation with me, I wasn’t too responsive. I still held a little grudge against him and I wasn’t going to act like everything is fine. And Ron caught on my half-ignoring him quite easily.

” Are you really mad? But nothing has happened, right? ”

” What did you expect to happen? ” I snapped back. ” Was it necessary to make such a noise? ” 

” Well...my dad likes Muggles a lot, that’s why...” he stuttered, his face taking the same shade of red his hair had, ” and honestly, I never bought into that tale that the Ministry brought you here. It just didn’t make sense. So I... ” 

” So you decided to make hasty conclusions and figure out if Muggles haven’t discovered your world yet? Didn’t you think there could be a reason behind me being here that all kinds of brats weren’t supposed to know? Use your head before you speak. And tell your mum thanks for the sweater. ”

Unfortunately, Ron’s deed didn’t stay without consequences. After dinner, we were in Greenhouse Three for a Herbology class. I was helping harvesting Knotgrass and Fluxweed, both of which were ones of the rare magical things that looked very much like the usual Muggle grass. Students were cutting the soft stems with the Severing Charm and I was using scissors that professor Sprout managed to get somewhere just for me. I tried my best, treating magical plants with much more care than their Muggle counterparts. Any normal plant that was left in my care usually died from neglect as I tended to be too lazy to even water it.

The greenhouse door opened and in came professor McGonagall. Dressed in her everyday black attire, her eyes ran over the dozens of students and stopped at me. 

” Professor Sprout, excuse me! May I borrow Mr. Winters for a moment? ” 

Professor Sprout, who was busy with replanting the Snargaluff, nodded, her nose dirty with a bit of ground. ” Yes, please, Minerva. ” 

I put down the scissors and followed McGonagall out of the greenhouse. As far as I knew, I hadn’t done anything bad lately. I hadn’t broken any rules that I knew of, Harry and I were snuggling quietly in the dormitory of our own house. 

” What’s the matter, professor? ” I asked when we were walked over the snowy lawn to the castle. The snow was crunching around my boots. 

” The matter is that Mr. Weasley has a very large mouth, ” McGonagall answered in a tight voice, pulling her long cape up to protect it from snow, ” the Minister for Magic is here. ”

A lump stuck in my throat. That meant the Ministry didn’t know anything about my being in Hogwarts, otherwise, they wouldn’t have come for something they had already been informed about. All it took for the story of a Muggle in Hogwarts to spread through the whole Ministry was for Ron’s dad to mention it once. 

” Are they going to send me away? ” 

McGonagall looked at me, her face filled with concern. ” The headmaster is trying to reason with the Minister for a good while now. Hopefully, he’s successful. But the Minister wants to see you, so please be on your best behavior. ”

As soon as we entered the Gargoyle Corridor, I could instantly hear loud voices coming from Dumbledore’s office. To say that the Minister was displeased would be to say nothing. 

” I can’t believe it! A Muggle in Hogwarts! A Muggle, Dumbledore? Don’t you think you’re stepping over all the boundaries here? Out of respect for you, I have been very yielding and didn’t interfere with things in Hogwarts more than absolutely necessary, but everything has its limits! Who, in the name of Merlin, gave you the authority to breach the Statute of Secrecy? It was your obligation to consult the Ministry instead of deciding something so outrageous on your own! ”

” The boy’s life is in danger, Cornelius. We had to act immediately. It’s a miracle we managed to intercept him before Voldemort.” 

” Voldemort? Why would Voldemort need a Muggle? That’s the biggest rubbish I’ve ever heard! Everyone knows Muggles are nothing but a waste to Voldemort. ”

McGonagall led me into the office and quietly left without being told to do it. Apparently, the witch professor was unnecessary for this conversation. I stepped towards Dumbledore’s desk and looked at the man that was sitting on one of the chairs on the other side. He was of a small height with rumpled grey hair, dressed in a pinstriped cloak. On the desk in front of him stood a green bowler hat. He turned and stared at me from under his forehead. 

” Sir, Mr. Thomas Winters, ” Dumbledore introduced us, ” Thomas, Cornelius Fudge. The Minister for Magic. ” 

" So you’re the Muggle? ” Fudge asked abruptly as if these words were burning his mouth and he had to get them out. 

I took an instant dislike for the Minister the same very moment. He was speaking to me as if giving a command to a trained dog. I considered the possibility to keep silent out of spite but remembered McGonagall’s warning about acting reasonably. 

” No. I’m Thomas. ” 

Dumbledore smiled faintly, probably trying to defuse the tension that had grown so thick I could almost feel its weight. 

” Thomas is proud like a hippogriff. Not recommended to offend him, that already ended quite painfully for someone. ”

Fudge eyed me as if I was a turd on his shoe. The side of his mouth wrinkled and the Minister looked absolutely disgusted by my presence. I knew by now that wizardkind fell in two camps when it came to Muggles. Some believed Muggles are not that different from them and treated the non-magical community like all humans beings should be treated – with kindness and respect. Others considered those who didn’t possess the gift of magic to be inferior, occupying this planet for no reason, so to speak. Fudge apparently belonged to the latter. 

” And what is he doing here, may I ask? Surely it isn’t too much fun when all you can do, is watch. ” 

” Oh no, Thomas is a good student, ” Dumbledore defended me and the smile didn’t leave his face. I wasn't sure what exactly made the headmaster so happy. ” He has scored many points for his house. Herbology and the Care of Magical Creatures is his specialty. Go ahead, ask the professors if you don’t believe me. And soon the sixth year will have the class of Muggle Studies. Professor Burbage is very skilled, of course, however, the opinion of a real Muggle might be even more useful. ”

Fudge’s brows rose high in his forehead, he obviously couldn’t believe that a Muggle could be good at magic. His facial expression, however, didn’t change. He was sulking and pouting as if someone had gravely insulted his dead grandmother or something. 

” His house? How was he sorted in a house when Muggles cannot be sorted? Not even Squibs! Remember Angus Buchanan... ” 

Dumbledore spread his arms in an ironic gesture of dismay. ” Well, the Sorting Hat had a different opinion about it. As a result, Thomas is now a part of the Gryffindor house. ”

” Who else knows about this ludicrosity? When were you going to please inform me or the Ministry in general? ” 

” Just the professors of Hogwarts knows about Thomas being here. And to be completely honest, I had no real intention of informing you. As I said, we had to act quickly and forgive me for saying so, but you and the Ministry would have slowed down the process dangerously. ” 

Fudge scowled and smashed his fist on the desk, completely flattening his bowler hat. Then, seeing what he’s done, the Minister calmed a little and took the hat, repairing it into shape again. His jaw was trembling and his ears turned red. Above our heads, Fawkes restlessly moved in his perch.

” Is that so? You’re questioning the ability of the Ministry to deal with extreme situations? Maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg, Dumbledore? ” he waved his hand in my direction thoughtlessly. “ What else do you have in mind? To become the Minister? To invite any willing Muggle into the wizarding world? To overthrow the Ministry? ” 

He got louder and louder with every word and I couldn’t believe how paranoid the Minister was, his head full of all kinds of schizophrenic thoughts. At the moment, I was glad, Dumbledore was way more composed than I was. In the headmaster’s place, I would have yelled the pinstriped cloak off of Fudge. 

Dumbledore smiled at Fudge, like an adult who gives a friendly smile to a child that’s doing something silly.

” Oh, Cornelius, it’s high time you get rid of your obsession with me as a rival to your job. I have told you millions of times that I’m not and have never been interested in becoming a Minister. We’re talking now about the life of a young man that must be protected. Otherwise, dear Cornelius, it won’t be important who is the Minister for Magic. It won’t matter to Voldemort. ”

I could see the Minister shuddering when the name of Voldemort sounded across the office. Wizards and witches were shaking in their shoes whenever the dark wizard was mentioned and I could only imagine what kind of devil’s work had Voldemort done to make every single person so scared of him. 

” Still, there was no reason to bring him to Hogwarts. Or expose him to the magical world. Or even come up to him, to begin with. You could have put protective enchantments on him from distance. I’m sure a wizard like you, Dumbledore, could do it with no problems whatsoever. ” 

My antipathy for the Minster who was talking about me as if I wasn’t present, grew larger with every minute. _Calm down, Thomas_ , I had to remind this phrase to myself like a mantra after almost every word that Fudge spoke. He was probably totally unaware he was insulting me or perhaps he didn’t care about the feelings of Muggles at all. 

” It has been done. We have put loads of enchantments on Thomas’ house and people in it, he’s not living alone, ” Dumbledore explained, ” but when it comes to Thomas himself, no protective spell is enough. There was no other way to keep him safe than to bring him here. This is the safest place, Cornelius, and you know it. ” 

Fudge sat in silence for a while. The Minister reminded me of a rat that has been backed into the corner between a cat and a mousetrap. He didn’t seem to have anything to debunk Dumbledore’s words. 

” Alright then, ” he finally said, visibly dissatisfied, ” but only for this year. And only within the bounds of Hogwarts. And when he leaves, he must be Obliviated. Is that clear, Dumbledore? ” 

Dumbledore smiled cheerfully. ” Crystal. ”

I felt my heart dropping from my chest to the heels. Obliviated? Hermione wanted to do it to me when I was assaulted by Malfoy. _” You won’t remember any of it, ”_ she had said, _” as if it never happened. ”_ Fudge wanted Hogwarts erased from my memory. Everything I had seen, heard, felt, tasted, and witnessed. The September 1rst – Hogwarts Express, Hagrid, Welcoming Feast, and Sorting ceremony. The words the Sorting Hat told me. All the classes I had taken a part in. Unicorns. Thestrals. Quidditch. The magical Christmas. Ron and Hermione. Neville. Hedwig. And most importantly...Harry. I won’t remember that I loved him. That he loved me. That he existed in the first place.

He got up, straightened the sides of his stupid striped cloak, and put the bowler hat on his head that made him look like a clown that had run away from a circus. Then Fudge looked at me as if realizing just now I’m here too. His face was full of cold politeness, the Minister had zero remorse for robbing my memories from me. 

” No need to hang your nose, Mr. Winters. Your place isn’t here. Nothing can be done to change it. Without magic, you’re just a Muggle. ” 

I didn’t move and didn’t give him as much as a half-glance. Tears started to well in my eyes but I wasn’t going to cry in front of this oaf. Since I was very little, my father had taught me that a man never cries in front of others. I wasn’t sad about not being able to be a wizard. I was ok with being what I was born to be. I was upset about the rights the Ministry had over Muggles. Who was he to decide if I can keep my memories or not?

Dumbledore went to accompany Fudge as the Minister was leaving and I stayed alone in the headmaster’s office. I felt distraught, alone, and hurt and would have left myself but Dumbledore asked me to stay. I was looking down on my hands, the neglected skin had started to crack and chap due to the freezing winter. The whirring of the dozens of tools in the office distracted me a little but not enough to calm my galloping heart. 

Fawkes flew down from his perch and landed in my lap. Phoenix's scarlet wings embraced me and its head with the mighty crest of feathers was a few inches away from mine. We stared in each other's eyes, Fawkes’ coal-black pearls that had seen so much during his forever life from burning to rebirth over and over again. 

Then phoenix started to sing, quietly but terribly beautifully. This was like no other bird voice I had never heard. It struck the core of my being in a sad but immensely beautiful way and realizing I would lose the memory of phoenix's song as well, I burst into tears. Fawkes was singing and I was crying for a long time until my eyes became red, my nose was running and my chest was hurting from the breath that I was holding to not make a sound.

I wiped my tears quickly when I heard footsteps approaching the door even though it was no use. Whenever you have cried your heart out, it’s not enough to clean your tears to hide the fact. Dumbledore came inside the office and I kept my head low. For some reason, I was ashamed of letting my emotions loose here. 

” Well, thank you, Thomas, ” the headmaster said, sitting down in his high chair in front of me, ” for a moment I was concerned you might pounce on him. Pay no attention. Mr. Fudge has never been much of a free-thinker. ”

” Really, sir? ” I asked, my voice slightly muffled by the tears I swallowed. ” Obliviate me? ” 

Dumbledore smiled comfortingly. ” I saw how much that shocked you. Unfortunately, most of your emotions can be read in your face quite easily. But fear nothing. Nobody’s going to take your memories. ”

A small ray of sun shone into the office. Both literally and metaphorically. The clouds outside the tower slid aside, letting out some of the captive sun. The ray forced its way from the sky through the window and over Dumbledore’s left shoulder crashed into the indentation between my collarbones. I felt the small drop of winter warmth that seemed to pour through the skin and straight into my heart. 

” But...if they come and check on me later? ” 

The headmaster laughed, so sincerely as if I had told him the best joke ever. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes made him look like a nice, sweet grandpa.

” Trust me, son, the Ministry has more important matters to solve than pursue one Muggle through entire England to check whether he’s Obliviated or not. They don’t have time for that. Especially considering all the other troubles going on in the magical world right now, it’s quite safe to say that you’ll be forgotten fairly quickly. ”

A wave of crazy joy swept over me and I had an overwhelming desire to hug the elderly wizard. I was unspeakably grateful that instead of following the Minister’s orders unquestioningly, Dumbledore understood how much the memories of the time spent in the wizarding world meant to me. Fawkes was clicking his beak, the wonderful lament growing more and more silent till it stopped. The phoenix had done his job of cheering me on. 

Ron was looking guilty like a spanked dog when I told him, Harry, and Hermione why McGonagall took me from Herbology class. We crossed the Wooden Bridge and sat in the cloister on the base of the Clock Tower. The antique fountain was frozen into a solid piece of ice and a pear tree was leaning over it like an enormous icicle. This certainly wasn’t the warmest part of the castle but at least here we could be alone, just the four of us. 

” He wants to Obliviate me, ” I said, holding a piece of ice in my hands till it melted. ” Fudge. ”

” And Dumbledore? What did he say? ” Hermione asked, streaming hot air towards my cold hands from her wand. 

” That he wouldn’t allow it. Fudge treated me like a piece of shit. Your government seems to be just as much of a fucking joke as ours is. ”

” Sorry, mate, ” Ron said, ” I didn’t think it would come this far. But if Dumbledore’s on your side, then the Ministry can go pound sand, really. ”

I looked at him and the annoyment was fading. I believed that neither Ron nor his father didn’t mean to harm me in any way. They both simply had too big mouths, just like the neighbor I had at home. If you wanted everyone to know something, all you had to do was tell her. 

” Fudge is a vile bloke, ” Harry said, taking out his wand. ” Last year he didn’t believe that Voldemort has returned until he saw him with his own eyes and prosecuted me for producing a Patronus to protect my cousin and myself. If not Dumbledore, I’d probably reside in Azkaban now. ” 

Before I could ask what Azkaban was, Harry made a small wave, and a huge silver deer erupted from the tip of his wand. I watched the great stag as it trotted around us, sparkling brighter than the fresh snow. The sun shone right through it, the massive antlers glittering as if made of diamonds. The Patronus was looking for the danger but was actually only produced because Harry wanted to show it to me. 

I reached out and touched the silvery stag. It dissolved at the contact, leaving a shining mist that rose high up and disappeared into the rays of the sun that poured over us and the icy cloister.


	15. Chapter 15

February came with a series of wicked snowstorms that went on for days and put Hogwarts in an apocalypse-like state. Professors seemed to get tired of the fight with the endless snow. The blizzard insolently created the piles they just managed to vanish and melt in a mere few hours. The snow was pouring down from the steel grey sky as if from a ripped sack. The snowflakes created a wall you couldn’t see through further than a few feet. Because of the harsh weather, Herbology classes got canceled as students weren’t allowed to leave the castle even to go as far as to the greenhouses. Hagrid’s hut had almost disappeared behind the heaps of snow and the half-giant was sweating, working hard to shovel the area clean.

The Gryffindor common room was pleasantly warm due to the fireplace that never went out, what couldn’t be said about the dormitories. The stove in the middle of a room didn’t emit too much heat and we, boys, were shivering under layers of blankets, hiding from the icy air that seeped into the dormitory through the cracks around the windows. Neville even took his toad into the bed with him which seemed quite disgusting to me, but the housemate obviously had a deep attachment to his pet.

These cold, windy and snowy days were a turning point and the relatively safe being in Hogwarts suddenly changed dramatically. When I looked back at it later, I realized this was the beginning of the worst time period of my life. Back then I was sitting in the protection of magical sunshine and didn’t see the enormous, black cloud coming in my direction. 

I began to have twisted, unnerving nightmares that didn’t resemble any other dream I had ever seen before. Actually, I had never been much of a dreamer. Most of my nights were spent in an empty sleep, I closed my eyes in the evening and opened them in the morning with nothing in between. And if I did dream, I only saw abstract things, coming together from the books read, the movies I watched, and the people I met. 

This was different. These dreams were frighteningly specific as if someone had programmed them into my head. And what worried me the most was the fact that the person who featured in these unwelcomed mind fruits was the one I cared about a lot. 

The first time it happened, I didn’t give it much attention. That night was very dark, pitch-black, no moon or stars were visible through the storm. The wind was howling around the windows and large snowflakes splashed against the glass, melting down like icy tears. I was sleeping under several blankets and a weird image materialized in front of my closed eyes. 

I was back in my old high school. I walked through the open gate and the school’s front door that was swinging wide open. Inside, I saw familiar things instantly. A half-knitted sock was laying on the desk of the security guard who was near her retiring age and students used to make fun of how useless the elderly woman would be if an actual criminal came into the school. A big schedule of classes and their times was pinned up on the notice board. A freshly green palm tree was sitting a big clay pot on the windowsill. On the opposite side of the room, there was a huge lemon tree my friend once managed to steal a lemon from. 

I felt the smell of fresh paint that hit me in the nose whenever I walked into the school, someone seemed to paint something every single day. The aroma of brewed coffee was coming from the teachers’ room. The metallic tinkling of numbers was sounding from the school’s cloakroom.

Despite it all, something wasn’t right. The school was completely abandoned. I couldn’t see anyone or hear anyone’s voice. There was no sound of hundreds of steps running up and down the hallways. I felt my heart beating wildly as I walked, checking every room in my way, and finding it empty. Teachers and students seemed to be vanished into thin air, as notebooks, pens, pencils, and schoolbags were still laying on desks. 

At the end of the long hallway, almost near the school’s cafeteria, I found Harry. He was standing still with his back at me, looking in the opposite direction as if waiting for something. Surprised as to what was he doing in a Muggle school, I came up to him and landed my hand on his shoulder.

He turned around and gave me a look that wasn’t quite the way Harry used to look at me or anyone else. His face was expressionless, the emeralds of his eyes were dull and lifeless like a gem that’s frozen into a block of ice. He showed no emotion, his lips compressed together and mouth forming a tight line. I wasn’t completely sure if he was looking at me or through me. 

Though I was dreaming, I knew something was wrong not only with my school but Harry as well. Nonetheless, I reached and hugged him, perhaps hoping that my closeness will change him into the vivant person he normally was, like a frog that turns into a prince with the help of a kiss. Harry’s arms wrapped around me, carefully first, he pulled me closer until our faces were just a few inches apart. 

Suddenly Harry’s features started to change. His handsome face changed to a bone-white, reptilian skin. The head turned into a bald skull. Pupils stood vertically in the bloodshot, scarlet red eyes. The nose was flat with snake-like slits for nostrils and where lips should be, the hideous thing had nothing. It stared at me closely, unbelievably hostile.

” Thomas... ” a high, cold voice spoke from somewhere above, traveling in circles like waves from a stone thrown into a pond. 

That wasn’t Harry’s voice. That was barely even a human voice. Deep inside me, I felt a sharp, stinging pain. A scorching pinch that rose from the depths of my being, far beyond the physical body. Terrified, I pulled away from the monstrosity that was once Harry, but skeletal hands with long, pale blue fingernails held me tightly. The red eyes were blazing with demonic fire that even the devil couldn’t compete with. 

A large hand with fingers like spider’s legs stretched out, fingers curled like eagle’s claws as if to crush my throat. I screamed. And with a scream, I woke up.

I jolted up in the bed, panting. My pajamas were drenched in cold sweat till the last seam and the beats of my heart were almost tearing the ribcage open. Harry stirred next to me, awoken by my sudden movements. He rubbed my back comfortingly. 

” What's wrong? ” he asked, his hand feeling me around, maybe looking for a dry spot on my clothes. ” Are you ok? ” 

Warily, I glanced at him over my shoulder, scared to see a snake-like beast curled in my bed. But it was Harry just the way I knew him. His hair resembled a messy bird's nest and the bright green eyes were as gentle as always, now full of sleep. I looked at my watch on the nightstand. It was 3:10 am. 

” I’m fine, ” I said, laying down. The pillowcase under my head was just as wet as everything else. ” Just a bad dream. ”

Harry cuddled me, softly nuzzling the back of my neck, and eventually, I felt better. Still, I was too frightened to fall asleep again and spent the rest of the night with eyes open, watching the darkness and listening to Harry’s steady heartbeat. Laying under the blankets, I was shivering and not from the cold. I had never experienced such a vivid dream before and it gave me more fear than all the horror movies I had watched combined. 

I didn’t raise any alarms after this first time. After all, who doesn’t get a nightmare every now and then? The next morning I chatted away with my housemates, the delicious breakfast, and the captivating classes that followed put the nasty dream out of my head completely. By lunchtime, I had totally forgotten about it. 

However, the next night dreams returned. And the night after the next as well. I was tossing and turning in the bed, unable to close my eyes though otherwise exhausted. The dreams kept changing location too and those were always places I had previously been at. One night I found myself on the football field where the team of my school competed against the team from another town. The second time I was near my summer swimming spot – the lake in the woods and the third night I was roaming in the park that my friends and I used all the time to chill with a couple of drinks and smokes. 

But no matter where I was, there was always Harry. And he was always totally unlike himself. After a while, I realized I can control my dream actions to a certain extent and, not wanting to meet the serpent-faced creature, I wasn’t approaching Harry anymore. But that didn’t help. The thing that pretended to be Harry turned and started to chase me. I was never fast enough and whenever my skin made contact with the fiend, I felt the same nip of pain, as if those long nails were trying to tear me open little by little.

A week later I had almost gotten used to having troubled sleep and horrifying visions every night. I didn’t wake up screaming anymore and Harry next to me didn’t even notice when my eyes snapped open in the middle of the night. But at the same time, I understood that this shouldn't become something to get used to. I didn’t feel like I was in real danger but the reoccurring pattern was concerning. These were not an absurd mix of subconsciousness. These were nightmares about me. That’s why I asked McGonagall to arrange me a meeting with Dumbledore. If someone could tell what was going on with me, he was the person. 

Dumbledore welcomed me as kindly as always. I doubted the headmaster was spending his day and postponing his duties to talk to every student who wanted it but he always had time for me. I told him about every single dream, trying to include as many details as I could recall. While I was speaking, Dumbledore was silent. He listened carefully and never interrupted me with questions, his face was serious but not worried and I began to think I might have exaggerated just a little by coming here and stealing Dumbledore’s time with what was nothing but dreams.

” Do you sleep together with Harry? ” 

The headmaster’s first question caught me unprepared and I didn’t answer for a while. I had expected totally different Q and A. Dumbledore smiled shyly. 

” I understand it might be private but in this context, it’s important. ” 

” Yes, we do. ” 

” And have you ever had similar visions during the daytime? ” 

” No, sir. ”

Dumbledore was thinking for a while. Then he lifted his eyes on me and the look on his face reminded me of the time when he first told me who Voldemort was. 

” It’s very good you decided to see me, Thomas. Really reasonable on your part. ” 

” Is it something serious? ”

Dumbledore sighed. ” I’m afraid so. ” 

The headmaster got up from the chair and started to circle the office from one side to the other. His hands were clasped behind his back and in his face, there was a tense expression. Watching him pacing made my head spin. 

” Do you remember that the last time you both were here, we briefly spoke about Horcruxes? ”

I nodded. A piece of a split soul hidden inside an object. To me, the concept seemed pathetic and hands down disturbing. How cowardly one has to be to mutilate themselves from inside out just to avoid the death that was just as natural as birth? 

” It’s magic for wimps if you ask me. ” 

Dumbledore simpered at my youthful maximalism as he came back to the desk and sat in front of me again.

” It’s the darkest form of magic possible. Creating a Horcrux means going against all laws of nature and morality. It’s an abomination, Thomas, yet Voldemort has created several of them. And Horcruxes are able to influence those in their vicinity and affect them mentally. To fuck with their heads, as you would say. ”

I wasn’t sure what surprised me more – the fact that the elderly wizard just cursed or the result I got from putting two and two together. But it was impossible. No professor would have allowed students to be near something so dark. 

” Are you saying there’s a Horcrux in Gryffindor tower? ” 

To my astonishment, Dumbledore bowed his head affirmatively. ” Unfortunately yes. ” 

” I don’t understand. Why is it there? Why hasn’t anybody gotten rid of it? And what is it? ” 

” See... most of the time, Horcruxes are inanimate objects, because it decreases the chances of them being destroyed. This ink bottle could be made into a Horcrux, for example, ” the headmaster touched the dark blue bottle with his wand, ” but sometimes Horcruxes are living things. Sadly, there’s one very close to you. ”

I was baffled and didn’t want to see the answer the outline of which had already formed in front of my eyes. Inside, I was begging to be wrong but I was right. Never before had I hated so much to be right. 

” Yes, ” Dumbledore confirmed my suspicion. ” Harry is a Horcrux too. ” 

I couldn't believe it. It couldn’t be true. From what I knew, Harry hated Voldemort more than anything. My mind couldn’t wrap around how could have he agreed to serve as a tool for someone who killed his parents and almost Harry himself. I only calmed after Dumbledore explained that Harry is an accidental Horcrux, one that Voldemort never intended to make. He didn’t know that a piece of his soul was residing inside his enemy. And neither did Harry.

” How could you not tell him? ” 

” Harry’s not ready to find it out yet. He only needs to know at the very last moment, or else he won’t have the strength to do what he has to do. It’s very important, Thomas, and I need you to swear to me that Harry will not find it out from you. ” 

Over his half-moon glasses, Dumbledore was looking intently into my eyes. I imagined Harry’s face and how from now on I was going to look into his eyes and hide something so essential from him. I remembered how upset Harry was when he found out I didn’t tell him the real reason why I came to Hogwarts. After learning I had held back another, much graver secret from him, he might start to hate me.

” I swear. Do you think Voldemort’s trying to influence me through Harry? ”

” I think he may have gone through London by now in search for you and could have realized something’s shielding you from him. He might have suspected you’re in Hogwarts. Where’s Hogwarts, there’s Harry, who shares a connection of a failed curse with Voldemort. And Voldemort is highly skilled in Legilimency.” 

” In what? ” 

” Legilimency is the ability to extract the feelings and memories from another person’s mind. ” 

” Like a mind-reading? ” 

Dumbledore smiled. ” Only Muggles call it mind-reading. Actually, it’s much more complex than that. It involves navigating magically through the many layers of mind and interpreting the findings. Voldemort might have seen you in Harry’s mind. It would be very, very bad if he got into yours, Thomas. ”

” Could he do that? ” 

” Don’t underestimate Voldemort, ” Dumbledore said, giving me a stern look, ” he’s a very powerful wizard. In a wrong way, unfortunately, but in the wizarding world, he has no rivals. ”

” Except you. ” 

Dumbledore smiled shortly, got up, and walked towards the window. For a minute he stood in silence, watching the mash of snowflakes sliding down the glass. The blizzard only seemed to get stronger as if it wished to bury us in one big pile of snow. 

” When I learned that Harry and you have grown very close, I was thinking whether I should intervene or not. Precisely because of all the reasons we discussed just now. But everything seemed to be well, so I stayed out of it. Now what I feared has happened – the dark power of Horcrux is getting to you, Thomas. What I’m going to ask you, will probably sound insane to you. And I wouldn't say it if there was another option. ” 

The headmaster turned to me. ” Keep a distance from Harry. ”

I looked at Dumbledore, confused. A little dart of pain shot into my heart and I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. Somewhere above my eyes a couple of tears were born. 

” Sir, Harry is not a threat to me. ” 

Dumbledore came around the desk, pulled up a chair, and sat down next to me. The headmaster looked sad, these words seemed to be just as hard for him to speak as they were for me to hear. 

” Harry himself – of course not. But what lives inside of him... You do remember why you were brought here in the first place, right?” 

I nodded. ” To save me. ” 

” And by saving you, we save the entire wizardkind. ” 

” I thought Harry was the one destined to kill Voldemort. ” 

” Right now, Thomas, you are more important than Harry. I understand you’re in love and hearing it must be breaking your heart but it’s only going to get worse. Nightmares will aggravate to daytime visions. If Voldemort realizes we’re letting him do whatever he wants, he’ll easily drive you to madness. If it makes you feel any better, see this request of mine as an order. ”

” How am I supposed to do it? Harry and I live together. We see each other every day. You have to put me in a different house then. ”

” Well...I’ll see what I can do but to be fair, it’s not common for students to change houses. House plays an important role in a wizard’s life. ” 

” I’m not a wizard, so it doesn’t matter. ” 

Dumbledore patted my shoulder in a fatherly manner. ” It matters more than you think. Someday you will understand the significance of your life to wizardkind. ”

That was something I didn’t even want to delve into. I had always hated to be put in the center of attention. As far as I was concerned, I was an ordinary human being, no better or worse than others. Whoever decided to write that prophecy about me, was clearly out of their mind. Instead of going crazy looking for me, Voldemort could have picked another piece off his own soul if he had any left. 

” But sir, ” I said, as related thought came into my head. ” Didn’t you say Horcruxes have to be destroyed for Voldemort to die? ” 

” Yes. ” 

” So then...Harry... ” 

Dumbledore nodded, his long, white hair and beard shining in the candlelight. ” When the time comes. Yes. ”


	16. Chapter 16

After leaving Dumbledore’s office I didn’t go straight back to Gryffindor tower. Instead, I was wandering around the castle. I couldn’t bring myself to go back where Harry would await me, completely in the dark about what Dumbledore and I discussed. Though I knew he advised it for the sake of my wellbeing, I was very upset with the headmaster for putting all the weight of the issue on my shoulders alone. 

How was I going to look into Harry’s eyes and tell him that from now on I was still going to be here but he couldn’t be around me anymore? I couldn’t even imagine myself saying it to him. I wasn’t that kind of person. I could get violent and mean if it was necessary but it wasn’t my nature. I was a peace-loving and kindhearted person who hated to have to hurt someone. Hurting Harry would mean to shatter my own heart into pieces because, at the end of the day, I was in love with him. To deny it would be to lie to myself.

The time was shortly before 8 pm. The castle grew darker and darker with every minute. The lighted torches on the walls cast long, moving shadows. Outside, the blizzard was pounding on the windows viciously, angry at the obstacle that didn’t let it to fill the entire castle with snow. Most of the students had returned to their houses. I could barely hear any voices as I walked down the hallway, my footsteps on the stone floor echoed loudly in the dusky, deafening silence. 

I found a little corridor that branched off of that main hallway. At the very end of it, there was a small brick step right next to a large window. Sitting here, I was completely invisible to anyone who would walk by. From the window, I could see the Quidditch field, buried in heaps of snow. There were no light sources here, it was dark and cold when the wind drifted through the window hinges but I didn’t mind. That corresponded to the state of my mind.

I wanted to be gone. Gone from Hogwarts, gone from people who didn’t have to carry a huge, dark secret inside of them. Eventually, it will eat me alive like a mangled butterfly that’s trying to get out of its cocoon and fly away to live its puny existence. I felt like my soul had been poured full of tar. Why did Dumbledore have to tell it to me? Why did he have to let me know Harry was going to die? I would feel better if the headmaster had simply ordered me to stay away from Harry, no questions allowed. I realized that I never thought I would say it but sometimes, not knowing was better than knowing.

I put my palm against the glass that was freezing cold. The windows seemed to be frosted even from inside. The thin layer of ice was melting under the warm blood that circulated in my fingers. How could I possibly avoid Harry without him noticing? I wiped the wet hand on my jeans and started to toy with the audacious thought of ignoring Dumbledore's request. 

First, it seemed like a brilliant idea. I could simply keep on living like this conversation never happened. The headmaster wouldn’t keep a track of if I’m doing what he advised...or would he? He probably had other, more important things to do, but was there something more important than destroying Voldemort? I knew Dumbledore had eyes and ears on every corner of the school. Somebody might easily snitch on me and then...Dumbledore’s would be angry at the least. I wondered if he would decide to put me in some kind of an isolation room as a punishment.

And wouldn’t I harm myself by disobeying? _Voldemort is able to unhinge your mind, Thomas,_ the headmaster said, _and torture you into madness. _Having invaded someone’s mind, Voldemort could make them to literally beg for death. Goosebumps sprang all over my skin just from imagining it. The more I thought about the dark wizard, the less secure I felt. I knew that even Voldemort couldn’t simply steal my soul from a distance but if he discovered he could influence me by using Harry as an instrument, that could end badly for both of us. As far as I knew, Voldemort knew no mercy.__

__

__I pulled my knees close to my chest, the pulse vibrated into the pit between my clavicles. It had become so dark I could barely see my hands in the faint light coming from the window. This was going to be another moonless, starless night, pitch black, without the tiniest ray of hope. I was thinking about my parents. Fortunately, they had each other and didn’t have to be alone at nights like this one, waiting for me to come home._ _

__

__Perhaps due to being lost in my somber thoughts and the susurration of the wind from the window I didn’t pay attention to the sound of footsteps coming in my direction. That’s why Draco Malfoy who suddenly appeared from the corner caught me totally unprepared. The Slytherin was dressed in the usual dark pants but the uniform lacked a robe. From a distance you could almost take him for a ghost, that was the impression left by his snow-white shirt and pale skin. The silverish-green tie glistened on his chest in the minimal light coming from the windows._ _

____

____

” This is my spot, ” he said, walking down the small hallway towards me. In his voice, I heard the same insolent sneer he was usually wearing on his face.

” Fuck off, ” I snapped back. I was in no mood to argue or fight. Not today. ” I was here first. Go find another corner, I’m sure there are plenty of them in the castle. ”

Any normal person would have taken my advice, turned around, and left. Not this one, of course not. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized Malfoy was actually having an unhealthy obsession with me. Yet I didn’t think he followed me, I spend a good part of the evening in Dumbledore’s office after all. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time to run into him. 

Draco walked up to me and pointed his chin to the step I was sitting on. ” If you don’t want to leave, at least move. I didn’t come all the way here to be standing now. ” 

” Why the hell did you come here in the first place? No place in the Slytherin rooms? ”

” And you? No place in Gryffindor tower? ”

” None of your fucking business! Leave me alone! ”

Draco took out his wand and quickly swished it towards me. Before I could react in any way, the spell pushed me hard into the window, further away from the spot where I was first sitting. My shoulder and elbow ached from the collision and I guess I should be thankful my body didn’t smash the glass. Having freed the place for himself, Draco sat down and put the wand away. 

Alright then, I thought, time to go home. I didn’t feel ready yet to step into the Gryffindor tower yet but I certainly wasn’t going to sit here with Malfoy, so close that our thighs touched and I could smell sandalwood, bergamot, and amber, a mixture of scents that was making me nauseous. Damn, he must be bathing in that stuff! As soon as I got up, Draco grabbed my hand. 

I looked down at my fingers that were being held by his palm. His hand was cold as if he has just returned from outside after taking a good half-an-hour walk without gloves. In his touch, there was something unspeakably unpleasant and weirdly familiar. I realized it reminded me of one of my dreams, where something very cold and evil was trying to latch onto me, and I felt like all the happiness, and every good feeling I had ever had was being sucked out of me.

” I’ll ask you one time, dude, politely. Let me go. ”

” Why? Are you scared of me? For a Muggle, you’re quite tough, I must admit that. However, the constant running from me isn’t going to make me stop, Thomas. I enjoy the chase. ”

He got up and the weight of his body pushed me into the wall. His fragrance was burning my nose as I struggled free. I didn’t want to start another fight with him as that would mean another detention and another scolding from Dumbledore. I had no idea what made Malfoy think I might be interested in him when my whole body was screaming otherwise. I turned away from him as much as the small space allowed.

” And you? ” he whispered into my ear and I rather preferred the cold gushes of the wind that was coming from the window than the warmth of his breath. ” Did you enjoy my gift? ”

” Your gift went straight into the fucking garbage, ” I hissed at him, ” you cannot buy me even with all the money you and your daddy have combined. Leave me the fuck alone, will you? ”

Draco came nearer, his silvery eyes carefully scanned my face. No, really, what had he found in me? I was neither so insanely attractive or had a gold dick so that it would be worth pursuing me for months.

” I really wouldn't want to do it, Thomas, ” he said with an audible note of threat in his voice, ” but there are spells that could make you do exactly what I want. Without questions, without resisting. ”

” Like the Imperius Curse? That’s illegal. Your ass will fly out of Hogwarts like a cork and land into Azkaban if you do it to me or anyone else. Not everything in life happens the way we want it, Malfoy. Get over it. ”

Draco looked visibly surprised that I knew what spell was he talking about. Little did he know, I was not spending my time in Hogwarts by laying on the sofa and eating bonbons. From the magic books my friends provided to me, I had learned a lot about the magical laws, spells that were allowed, and spells that were forbidden, the differences between jinxes, hexes, and curses. I was reading more than the average wizard or witch was. The three Unforgivable Curses sent shivers down my spine when I was reading about them. Killing, torture, and control – the three worst things one person could do to another. And Azkaban...the wizarding prison located in the middle of the North Sea made me wonder how many ships have passed the fortress, completely oblivious to its existence.

” Some are not illegal, smarty-pants, but still quite effective, ” Malfoy took out his wand again and this time I was ready to fight, ” like this one. _Incarcerous!_ ”

Thin, long ropes shot out of the tip of his wand and wrapped tightly around my wrists like snakes. The more I struggled to break free, the more the strings cut into my skin. It was painful and I expected to see some blood oozing from under the bonds. A satisfied smirk appeared on Draco’s face. 

” Let me go or you’ll regret it! ” 

” Also Petrificus Totalus, Immobulus, ” Malfoy continued as if I hadn’t said anything and walked closer to me, ” many innocent little spells that can instantly make you helpless and incapacitated. Didn’t know about that, did you? ” 

I was trying my best to free my arms but the ropes felt as if they were alive. As soon as I managed to get rid of a tiny bit of the magical restraints, they bound around me again and again. If I was Dumbledore, Draco’s parents would be in my office by now. On the other hand...was there a point in scolding and punishing him? What else can you expect from a son of a Death Eater? This malevolent demeanor was probably sown into him by his mother’s milk. Harry had never mentioned Draco’s mother but apparently, it was enough with one scoundrel parent to have a scoundrel child.

” I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if you were sorted into Slytherin. You wouldn’t have met Potter, the mudblood and the blood traitor, and our relationships could have been different. As much as I dislike Muggles, for you, I could make an exception. ”

Back in September, I knew close to nothing about Hogwarts houses, so it wasn’t really important to me which one I would get. I didn’t know that most dark wizards came from Slytherin. I didn’t know that the founder of the house himself had a personal hatred towards Muggles to the point where he released a goddamn basilisk into Hogwarts to kill off the Muggle-born students. Now the man was long dead but his spirit obviously lived on, as many students from Slytherin's house still shared his ideology. If I were sorted into Slytherin, one of the two things would have happened – either I smashed their faces every single day, or they smashed mine for having non-magical blood.

” Even if I never knew Harry, I wouldn’t have fallen for you. Do you hear yourself? I cannot imagine who would enjoy being in your presence with all that bile and hatred in your mouth. I’m only attracted to kind people. ” 

” Kind? ” Draco roared with laughter as if he just heard something so wrong it was ridiculous. ” You’re hardly the one to talk about kindness. Picking a fight wherever you go. My father considered not letting me come back after the Christmas holiday. He thought it wasn’t safe for me to be around those who seem to be raised in the forest. ”

The magical ropes fell from my hands and crumpled at my feet, still wriggling like ugly worms. Either the spell wore off or Draco reversed it, I was free. I looked at my wrists, expecting to see bruises or blood but there was none. The soreness was just an illusion, created by magic. For a moment, it almost seemed funny to me – Death Eater scared of a Muggle hurting his son.

” What is it with you and invoking your daddy all the time? That’s something that would be appropriate for a 3-year-old, not a grown motherfucker like you! You don’t know shit about me! It’s bastards like you I pick fights with. I never do that to decent people. ”

At the beginning of the small corridor, Argus Filch’s face suddenly appeared around the corner and this was the first time I was actually happy to see the caretaker. He was grumpy and frowning as he was squinting his eyes to look at the end of the corridor. The light of his lantern didn’t reach that far. 

” What are you two doing out of your houses so late? ” the caretaker mumbled in a gravely, unpleasant voice. ” What new nasty surprises are you scheming, hiding in the dark? ”

” Get lost, you filthy Squib! ” Malfoy yelled at Filch, his voice so filled with loath only a deaf one wouldn’t hear it.

I wasn’t too fond of Filch either but at this point, he was only doing his job and didn’t deserve this treatment. I had no idea how Draco didn’t realize himself he was pushing people away from him by his own doing. It was impossible to be in his presence and feel comfortable. Filthy Squib, filthy mudblood...everything that didn’t have magic in it was filthy to him and by that logic, I should be a part of that package. I had so many feelings and emotions storming through me I was unable to keep a track of them all. All I wanted was a quiet and peaceful corner where nobody would see me or talk to me. Or I could jump off the Astronomy Tower. That was an option too.

I used the moment of distraction caused by Filch’s appearance to free myself from Draco’s company. As I squeezed past them, half-blinded by the nightly sky and the long shadows cast by Filch’s lantern, I almost stepped on Mrs. Norris’s tail. The cat meowed loudly and hissed at me, showing its resent. I didn’t mind. After all, this was the ugliest cat I had ever seen. 

With my hands in pockets, I was standing for a good while in front of the portrait that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor tower. The Fat Lady seemed to be in a good mood tonight, she smiled at me while decorating the curls of her hair with flowers from a bush near her. 

” Forgot the password? ” she asked, watching me and I got the feeling she would let me in even without one. 

” No. ”

The entrance passwords changed often, yet I had never forgotten one. I didn’t know if I was ready to enter. How can I behave like everything is fine, yet distance myself from Harry? My abilities to pretend were put on a test now and I wasn’t that good of an actor. He’ll notice, definitely he will. I had promised to myself I would never lie to him. Dumbledore’s words still echoed through my head. He said that evil was living inside Harry, an evil only Dumbledore and I knew about. A piece of Voldemort that could hurt me if I allowed it too close. 

With a deep breath, I spoke the password and the portrait swung backward, allowing me inside. 

Inside the tower, it was pleasantly warm. The flames were dancing in the fireplace and candles lighted the tables in the common room where my housemates were sitting, doing their homework. As soon as I walked in, heads lifted and turned my direction.

” Where were you? ” Hermione asked, dipping the tip of her quill into ink. ” We were starting to worry if something has happened. ”

” The library, ” I lied effortlessly, the deceit rolled off my tongue like a poem that’s been learned by heart. 

No one doubted my words. Hermione went back to writing something that by the looks of it should have been finished ages ago. Ron was practicing spells in a low voice, a little crackling sound escaped his wand. As if starting to fulfill Dumbledore’s request, I sat on a chair next to Neville on the opposite side of the table, away from Harry. But, having buried himself in loads of homework, he didn’t notice it. I said nothing to nobody about Malfoy or Filch or Dumbledore. Instead, I looked out the window, feeling more alone than ever and I was glad Neville wasn’t too much of a talker. A forced talk about the day would kill me, but Neville didn’t seem to want to fill every moment of silence with talking.

The night that followed was when the first real ordeal came. Having changed into pajamas, Harry was about to get into my bed, as he usually did for months now. And I realize I cannot allow him to do it anymore. The possibility of throwing Dumbledore’s warnings in the trash still lingered in my mind but I knew I couldn’t do it. To ignore the advice of a very powerful and wise wizard would be a foolish thing to do. 

” Harry, ” I addressed him when he sat down on the bed, about to get under the covers, ” would you mind sleeping in your own bed tonight? ” 

Confused, Harry looked at me with his bright green eyes wide. It had been a very long time since he slept in his bed.

” Why? ”

This was the first of the thousand ” whys ” that would follow. This was the beginning of what I considered the end of Harry and my relationship. Worried that observant Harry might see through my fraud, I composed myself to give him a calm, yet convincing answer. 

” I don’t feel very well. I’d like some privacy. ” 

” What do you mean you don’t feel well? We can call Madam Pomfrey then. ”

” Not physically. I’m just not in good mood today. ”

” Oh, then you definitely need some cuddling, ” he smiled, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me close. 

I wanted to hug him back like nothing else but I knew I couldn’t. The clean aroma of washing powder came from his pajamas and mixed with the scent of soap left on his skin from the recent shower. In my head, I cursed Voldemort who had turned Harry into a Horcrux, as well as Dumbledore who forbade me to spend time with the person I cherished over everyone else in Hogwarts. It was done for a good cause, yet felt so unfair. Without Harry, even the whole magic thing seemed dull to me.

” I’m serious, Harry, ” I forced myself to free from his hands, ” I’d like to be alone now. ”

A couple of fast emotions flickered on his face. He looked upset, thoughtful, and puzzled. I knew I would have felt the same if I was in his place. Then Harry nodded in an understanding manner and climbed down from my bed. 

” Alright. As you wish. Goodnight, Thomas. ”

” Goodnight. ” 

I was laying with my eyes open for a good while and couldn’t imagine what else was expecting me. If it was so hard to tell Harry to go sleep in his bed, how was I going to explain not sitting next to him in classes or at meals? Not walking next to him through hallways? Not talking to him as much as we used to, not kissing him or holding his hand? I needed some guidance here as I didn’t feel able to deal with this crap for several more months. 

Soon I fell asleep and there it was – my usual empty, dreamless sleep. I didn’t see reptiles or snakes or monsters coming for my head. I saw nothing, just like I did most nights at home. I didn’t wake up once during the night and when I opened my eyes in the morning, refreshed and with a clear head, I was forced to admit Dumbledore was right. 

I did sleep better without Harry next to me.


	17. Chapter 17

I still wasn’t completely sure if Dumbledore would actually keep track of if I was following his instructions or not. I tried to look at this issue from all the possible sides. Being a headmaster, Dumbledore must be busy. Headmasters normally had a hundred and one things to do during their days and had zero time to check on each student individually. 

But...those were the headmasters I had known before. Muggle headmasters. Maybe in the magical world, it was different. Maybe wizards had all the time in the world for something they thought was important. I knew that there are some limits even magic cannot overcome but who knows, a wizard like Dumbldemore might be able to even add a couple of hours to the day just to keep an eye on me. Just as I thought it, I realized how insane that sounded and came to the conclusion I must have been slowly losing my mind. 

During the breakfast in Great Hall, it was made certain that Dumbledore did watch over me at least when I was within his perspective. In the morning, totally forgotten about everything, I happily jumped into the seat next to Harry as we started enjoying sending the delicious, warm food down our stomachs. Carelessly, I chatted with Ron and Hermione and Harry, more than anyone.

I threw a glance at the back of the Great Hall where the professors’ table stood facing us and my eyes met Dumbledore’s eyes. The headmaster shook his head, lightly, almost unnoticeably but it was enough for me to understand what he thought of my negligent mood. Blushing, I quickly turned away from him and Harry, giving full attention to the fried eggs and sausages on my plate. Whenever Harry tried to talk to me, I either ignored him or responded in a few short phrases. 

Nobody else was controlling me. During classes, no professor made me sit somewhere else than beside Harry. Apparently, Dumbledore was serious when he said it’s a highly secretive matter, and apart from him and me, no one else knew about the Horcrux, not even professors. But I was obeying nonetheless. Not so much for my own safety but I was worried that Dumbledore might indirectly question the professors about what was I doing during their classes. And I didn’t want to come off as an uncontrollable rebel, willing to deliberately break the rules Dumbledore personally set for me. 

So step by step I started to avoid Harry wherever I could. When dinnertime came, I sat next to Ron. We were allowed out of the castle for the Care of Magical Creatures, the professors had melted paths in the snow for us to walk through without getting totally drenched. Whenever Harry came nearer, I stepped away and used this situation to get to know other students better, especially boys. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan were quite cool, and I noticed Lavender Brown exchanging shy glances with Parvati Patil whenever I was around. As far as I knew Lavender was in love with Ron but apparently that didn’t bother her to eye me as well. 

I held on to one of the unicorns and pressed my head against the creature's silky neck. The unicorn licked my cheek with a wet, hot tongue and I got a sudden impulse to tell the creature all my troubles in the hope it would understand. But even if it did, there was nothing the unicorn could do to help me, so I left it alone.

Harry noticed me being distant. Of course, he did, and sooner than I had expected. After all the classes were over and we were back in the Gryffindor tower, I sat by one of the large windows to aimlessly wander my eyes over the nature of Hogwarts while my housemates were busy with their homework. I felt very sad, and while everyone else was laughing when Neville somehow managed to multiply a piece of parchment several times instead of vanishing it, I didn’t find it funny. I found nothing funny.

Harry stood up, leaving the essay he was writing half-way, and came up to me. I almost didn’t notice him before I saw the reflection of him in the window glass.

” Have I offended you in any way? ” he asked, leaning against the windowsill next to me.

” No, ” I shook my head, looking at the snow-covered Hogwarts’ territory.

” Then what? ”

” Nothing. I’m just not in the mood. For anything. ” 

Harry came closer and hugged me. His embrace was enough to bring a certain amount of tears into my eyes and I knew I was supposed to push him away or tell him to leave me alone but I couldn’t. That was one of the last warm moments we shared each with other, as our relationship went downhill soon after. But then, in front of the sparking fire in the fireplace, I couldn’t find the strength to tell him that it’s over. That we cannot be even friends anymore, let alone lovers.

” It must be something though. You were different yesterday evening already. Did somebody say something to you? Was it Malfoy? Did he hurt you in any way? ” 

” No, Harry, it has nothing to do with Malfoy. I just want to be left alone for a while. Don’t hold me. ” 

I walked away from him and sat down in one of the armchairs further away from everyone else. The hunch that I was doing everything wrong flashed into my mind like a beacon. It was all happening very fast and sudden. What I probably should be doing was let Harry wean off of me gradually by giving him less and less attention every day so that he barely notices me distancing. That way he might not have too many questions. But I was dumb and a very bad actor. 

Harry sat on the carpet in front of me, one leg bent at the knee at his chest. The remote gleam of the flames twining in the fireplace reflected in his glasses. 

” Thomas, please don’t keep more secrets from me. If the reason why you’re upset is Voldemort or me, I have to know it! ”

” No, Harry, goddamn it! You’re not the center of the world, you know, and neither is that fucker. Am I not allowed to sometimes have a bad mood? ” 

Harry shrugged. ” Alright, fair enough. But why should you keep having it when we can simply talk about the causes of your bad mood so that you can feel better? After all, being a couple is much more than just rolling in the bed together. ” 

I nodded. He was right about that one. ” There’s not much to tell. I’m tired. ” 

” Of what? ” 

Now it was my time to shrug, just to show some movement. I was worried that if I kept sitting still, he wouldn’t believe me. My heart added a few beats to the normal rhythm and my palms started to sweat. The last one was a clear sign that I was lying. But Harry didn’t know it. 

” Everything. This place. I want to go home. ”

” Home? ” Harry asked as if not understanding what this word meant. 

” Yeah. You know what they say...there’s no place like home. I want back to my parents. I want to meet my friends. I want my Muggle life back. Do you understand? ” 

Harry nodded slightly, but his face remained unconvinced. His brows furrowed a little as if he was pondering on my words. 

” But you have made friends here. Ron, Hermione, Neville. Aren’t they cool? ”

” They are. But that’s not what I mean. I have...responsibilities back at home. To come to Hogwarts, I had to leave my own school and I don’t know if I’ll be able to graduate. I don’t know what to say to people who know me and wonder where I have gone. And I...miss a lot of stuff. My room. My gadgets. The normal atmosphere that I used to have for 17 years. ”

” I don’t understand, Thomas, ” Harry said with an audible note of doubt in his voice, ” when was it you started to dislike Hogwarts? Muggles are usually fascinated by magic. ” 

” Yes. When I first arrived, I was in total awe. It was a true miracle to me. But days turned into weeks and weeks into months and eventually....the fact of being in an alien terrain grew heavier and heavier on my shoulders. I hate sitting in classes and not be able to do anything. I don’t belong here, Harry. I’m not a wizard and I’ll never be one. ”

” You belong with me, ” Harry said in almost a whisper as if something in his chest was muffling his voice, ” And you know you cannot go home. Because... ” 

” Yeah, I know, ” I interrupted him hastily. It was easier for me to say it myself than hear it from someone else. ” Because of one moronic son of a bitch who has taken this bullshit up his short mind that my mudblood soul is of such a great fucking value! ”

” Don’t say that! ” Harry got up and squeezed himself in the armchair next to me. ” There’s no such thing as dirty blood. Your blood is just as clean as mine...or Voldemort’s for that matter. That foul term only comes from the mouths of ignorant bigots, Thomas. No decent wizard believes that some blood is purer than another. ” 

” Never mind, ” I answered as I got up, leaving him alone in the armchair, ” it doesn’t matter. I’m going to bed. ” 

Harry turned around and looked at the clock on the table, not far away from Hermione’s elbow. She had bewitched it to monitor her studying times and it was treacherously precise.

” To bed? At 8 pm? ” 

” Yeah. I don’t feel like talking, Harry. ”

He stayed seated, hands clasped in his lap and watching me with a calm, sad look. ” And I suppose you don’t want me to lie with you this night either, do you? ”

In his voice, I heard a glimmer of hope of the opposite. I knew what he wanted to hear. I knew what I myself wanted to say. That I might be a little down this evening, but my bed is still fully available to him and everything would be fine tomorrow. Instead, I shook my head and walked to the dormitory, Harry’s eyes following me until I disappeared from his view. Dumbledore had tossed the whole world on my shoulders. I felt alone, lonely, and more somber than I had ever been before. 

The dormitory was dark and empty. The only faint light came from the stove in the middle of the room and because of that, I almost didn’t notice Trevor, Neville’s toad, that was sitting on my pillow. 

Frowning, I reached out and grabbed the croaking amphibian. Its cold, bumpy skin felt slick under my fingers and the toad was stretching its short limbs frantically in an attempt to escape. I placed Trevor on Neville’s nightstand and went into the toilet to wash my hands, considering walking back into the common room and telling Neville all I thought about such nasty surprises. 

But it wasn’t his fault. This frog had been trying to run away from its owner since the moment he bought it. If I was Neville, I would have just placed it near a body of water and let it roam free. No big point in having a pet that clearly doesn’t want to be with you.

I lied down in the bed on the side and watched the large window in front of me. It had stopped snowing and the sky had cleared a little. A waning crescent of the moon was shining bright yellow like a neon sign in the dark blue sky. Somewhere far away an owl hooted a couple of times. My feet started to feel cold and I pushed them under the blanket. I couldn’t fall asleep, unsurprisingly. It was way too early for me to feel sleepy and I couldn’t stop thinking about where all of this was going. 

I’m going to turn 18 and leave Hogwarts...and then what? Will my life go back to normal or would I have to glance over my shoulder all the time or expect my front door to be blasted open by one of Voldemort’s minions coming for me? My parents won’t be able to protect me. And I won’t be able to defend myself. We were as unmagical as one could get. As far as I was concerned, I was going to die no matter what. In that case, my being in Hogwarts was nothing but a way to stretch out my life as much as possible. 

I had no idea what was the time when I started to feel my eyelids getting heavy. Someone came into the dormitory. Maybe Harry. I was more asleep than awake and felt the blanket being pulled up to my shoulders, covering me with a nice warmth.

Time passes. Even when you don’t feel like it, it does. Weeks went after weeks and February changed into March which gave way to April. Winter was melting away rapidly and spring arrived out of the blue. The sun was shining almost every day and Hogwarts’ nature awoke from the profound winter slumber. The hours of daylight got longer and longer. Snowdrops were swaying their tiny heads among the short stems of newly green grass and small, perky buds sprang on the tree branches, waiting to bloom into incredible petals. 

As hard as it was, I continued to follow Dumbledore’s directions religiously. As a result, I was no longer tormented by nightmares of serpent-like monsters...but at a terrible price. Harry didn’t understand what was going on and I had no way of explaining to him. All he saw was my bad mood lasting for an abnormally long period of time, me refraining from sitting next to him in classes or wherever it was we had to sit and barely speaking two words to him. 

” It’s been a while since we made love, ” he said to me in the middle of March when I sent him to his own bed again and again.

I didn’t need to be reminded of that. I missed Harry a lot, not just his body but him as a person. So many times I was just about to give in the temptation and have him just for that one night. Nothing would happen to my soul if it was only a single night, right? Yet I always rejected him, because I knew that in the morning it would be even more difficult to pretend I’m not interested in him. My attitude had to be steady and definite, I couldn’t afford to wobble between moods. Being nice to someone one day and mean in the other is not keeping a distance. 

Ron and Hermione were certainly aware of Harry and me getting more and more estranged. My relationship with them didn’t change, we kept chatting every day...although not as much as we used to. Being Harry’s friends for way longer than I, they both suspected something wasn’t right and Hermione even tried to tactfully talk to me about it. Unfortunately, my witch friend wasn’t an exception to the secret Dumbledore trusted me with. 

” Thomas, ” the girl addressed me when I was the last one to finish my evening meal and all the other Gryffindors had left the Great Hall, ” I don’t mean to interfere with Harry’s and your relationship, but...maybe you two could finally make peace? I don’t know what did you fight about and perhaps it wasn’t your fault, but maybe you could consider apologizing? You see...Harry’s not showing it, but...he suffers a lot. Ever since you have turned your back at him, he’s been...very different. Haven’t you noticed? ”

How was I to know? My conversations with Harry had shrunken to a couple of phrases at the best. I guess Hermione didn’t realize that a simple argument wouldn’t have made me ignore Harry for months. She thought it had to be something between us, something very intimate, so she tried to only tiptoe around the subject carefully. 

” Sorry, Hermione, but I can’t tell you anything. There are things that can’t be shared with even best friends. I’m sure you understand. ” 

” Yes, but...if we knew what’s the problem, we could help, ” she walked next to me and we were the last ones to leave the Great Hall before elves came to clean the supper leftovers. ” You were both so close and then suddenly...I know Harry can be very stubborn sometimes and he won’t tell me anything either. ”

Of course, he didn’t. What could he say to her? He knew nothing himself. I felt like I was going to lose not only Harry but everyone I had managed to form a friendly relationship with in Hogwarts. When I leave, they’ll remember me as the weird Muggle who turned his coat in an instant, changing from amiable to forever moody. 

Not wishing to damage the affiliation between Harry, Ron, and Hermione, I eventually started to alienate them all. The weather became warmer each day until even a jacket wasn’t necessary anymore and I spent loads of time outside of the castle. I sat at the shore of the Black Lake, watching the small waves sparkling in the sunlight and the wind blew the musty, earthy odor in my face. I knew that merpeople and the Giant Squid lived there but I failed to see these wonders with my own eyes, as professor McGonagall strictly forbade me to as much as set a fingertip in the water. I was only allowed to watch the lake from the shore and so I did, spending hours, mesmerized by the beauty of the vast surface that extended far to the south of the castle. 

Sometimes I was lying on my back in the soft matt of grass and stared at the sky above me, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds like I did when I was a kid. Back then I managed to find cats, dogs, horses, bears, and sharks. Now I made out dragons, thestrals, unicorns, owls, and toads. I loved to press my back against a tree, close my eyes, and listen to the rustling of leaves around me. That was all fun and games until one time when I had to run for my life. Whomping Willow wasn’t interested in cooperating with my daydreaming and I almost got my skull crushed by the heavy, violent branches. 

Most magical creatures lived in the Forbidden Forest, which was another no-go place for me alone, however, I found a little company in one of the trees not far from the castle. Little green twig-like creatures roamed the hollow in the tree, jumping, climbing, and crawling all over the tree’s brown limbs. Small, black eyes stared from under two large leaves growing on top of their heads.

” They’re called Bowtruckles, ” a passing Hufflepuff explained while I was observing the movements of the little colony. ” Peaceful, unless you threaten the tree they live at. ”

I never did anything to disturb them but I really enjoyed watching the life rhythm of Bowtruckles. They reminded me of ants in the Muggle world – everyone had their own little job to do to make their family function. Some were making a nest inside the hollow, some were picking for woodlice and some tended and cared for the young. It was a truly fascinating scene to follow. 

I was never bored. Time passed quickly and I loved my wanderlust, but...I wished there was somebody to share my adventures with.

At the end of April, we had an unexpected few hour break between classes, because professor Burbage was solving delayed matters in the Ministry. In a way, I felt relieved, as the professor of Muggle Studies never left me alone in her classes. Professor Burbage strongly believed that nobody could explain Muggle life better than a Muggle, so she always pulled me in the front of the class and basically made me do her job of explaining and telling the students about Muggle technology and science. 

First, it was just annoying, and eventually, I started to actually hate it. She even gave me homework on preparing a lecture about Muggle's means of transportation and education. _Excuse me, ma’am,_ I wanted to scream, _am I really the professor here?_ And so I was enduring the minutes of standing in front of everyone, teaching, and when I was explaining the Muggle lifestyle, it seemed I might as well be speaking in Kirundi. Judging by the faces of half-blood and purebloods, they didn’t understand a single word I said. 

That’s why that day was a nice respite from professor Burbage’s terror. Her classes were the only ones I wasn’t looking forward to. 

I was laying in the grass and enjoyed the sunshine caressing my closed eyelids. I was starting to get slightly tanned already, my skin took sun quite well, even though I could also get burned easily if I wasn’t careful. Students chattered and laughed cheerfully further away from me. Beautiful bird voices came from Forbidden Forest and I was breathing the fresh, aromatic Spring air. I wasn’t thinking about anything and for the first in a long time, I felt peaceful. 

Suddenly, the warmth of the sun was blocked by a shadow that leaned over me. However, that was compensated by hot lips that kissed my forehead.


	18. Chapter 18

I didn't want to be kissed, especially when I didn't see where it was coming from. Annoyed, I opened my eyes. If it was Malfoy, he was going to get punched into the next dimension.

But it was Harry. His black robe flaunted lightly against my cheek when he threw down his bag and sat down in the grass next to me. His face was tense and slightly pale which could be due to the fact that sixth years had a lot of studying to do when the other part of the year was approaching and some barely saw sunlight. 

” Hi, ” Harry greeted me.

” Oh, it’s you...hi. ” 

” Were you expecting someone else? ” 

His voice sounded stiff and weary at the same time. I realized I couldn’t recall anymore what Harry’s voice was normally like. No wonder – we hadn’t spoken a word for the last few weeks. No longer I had to ask Harry to sleep in his bed, he didn’t come near mine himself for a good while now. He had started studying almost as much as Hermione, which surprised both the students and professors.

I didn’t answer and for a while, we were sitting in silence. Harry was crumpling a piece of grass between his fingers looking...lifeless, almost. I remembered times when the emeralds of his eyes were sparkling vivaciously like a testimony of youth and vitality. Now it seemed as if a light bulb was turned off inside of him. I counted the petals of the daisy growing in front of me. 

” I know you don’t want me anymore, ” Harry said, ” but I...I cannot go on without understanding why. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, it’s all I think about all the time. What have I done to you that you have grown so cold towards me, Thomas? ” 

The clock in the Clock Tower chimed loudly several times, signifying a full hour. Many heads turned towards the castle and students started to get up and gather their stuff to go back to their classes. So did I. To me, it was a way to end the dialogue with Harry, as we would be late to the class if we didn’t move soon. 

But Harry didn’t seem to care. As soon as I rolled onto my knees, he grabbed my belt and pulled me back down. I landed hard on my butt, smashed grass stained my elbows and hands green. 

” What the hell are you doing? We’re going to be late for Charms! ”

” I don’t give a damn! I want an answer from you and you’re not going anywhere until you tell me where’s my fault in this. Don’t make me use magic to keep you here. ” 

Maybe Harry intended to sound scary but his threat didn’t intimidate me in the slightest. I knew he’d never do anything to hurt me. That was so like Harry – when something was bothering him, he could only keep his turmoils inside for so long, before he exploded. If I was in his place, I would act the same. I would want the truth. The truth I was forbidden to reveal, which seemed so unfair to me. 

” Please, Thomas, ” Harry calmed down and looked at me with a burning request in his eyes, ” don’t you think I deserve as much as an explanation before you leave? ” 

I had only one trump card left, but all the time I refrained from using it because...then I would lose him for sure, no matter the prophecies. Every time Harry asked me what’s wrong, I postponed this version of the truth, persuading myself it wasn’t the time yet, clinging to the other options available. Now the time had come and other alternatives existed no longer. 

” Alright, ” I answered, sitting in a lotus posture in front of him, ” before I even say anything, I want you to know it was never my intention to hurt you. ” 

Harry was looking at me with his eyes slightly widened and moved aside a little to escape the sun that was shining through the bush of leaves right into his glasses, blinding him. I turned away my gaze. A ghastly feeling shot through me – that Voldemort could be staring at me through Harry’s eyes. 

” What do you mean? ” 

” I mean you’re right about me not wanting you. That phase is over. ”

” Oh, ” Harry said and then kept silent for a minute as if thinking it over. ” So it was just a phase for you? It didn’t feel like it, Thomas. Things were perfect when we were together. ” 

” For a while, yes. I don’t deny we had some great moments. And I was honest when I told you you’re very likable to me. ” 

” And then what happened? ” 

I had to lie better. Harry had no reason to not believe me but I had to make the fabricated truth sound as genuine as possible because I couldn’t afford to mess this up. This was my last and only chance to explain to Harry the reason behind our separation even if it wasn’t real. _You can do it, Thomas_ , I mentally encouraged myself, _you have gone through many months already, what’s a little more. You’re doing Dumbledore’s bidding, remember?_ I shrugged and lifted my eyes on Harry, who was eagerly waiting for a response.

” Well...you see, you and I, we’re in that age right now when it’s very common for teens to experiment. We’re trying out different things in order to understand what works for us and what doesn’t. Everybody does it, Harry. A lot of times the only way to find out you’re not into something is by experiencing it. ”

” So the whole thing was just an experiment for you? ” Harry said, sounding as if he was trying not to sound offended. ” And what conclusion have you arrived at? Do you like girls after all? ” 

” I don’t know. My sexuality has always been kind of a mysterious side of me, which I have never thought about very much. It’s just that you and I, we got along very well and I decided it wouldn’t hurt to try something out of the ordinary to me. I had never been with another guy before you. ” 

” Didn’t you enjoy it? If that’s not what you like, then why would you put up with it for months? ”

It was so strange. I thought it would be difficult, but it was easy, too easy. With every word I spoke, I started to believe in what I said more and more. The lie didn’t feel like a lie anymore. Deep inside me, a little question mark floated upwards like a balloon. Maybe what I said wasn’t completely false? Maybe those were the little grains of truth I had never paid attention to? Could it be that Harry truly wasn’t as important to me as I thought? A grim, somber feeling filled me from inside out. 

” I did enjoy it. But eventually...I don’t think I’m gay, Harry. I might be bi or I might catch feelings just for a certain person. But there’s one thing I’m sure about. I’m not attracted to you. Not anymore. ” 

Harry was quiet, he had lowered his gaze and wasn’t looking at me. He barely blinked. The patch of ground in front of him was bare, he had pulled all of the grass out, leaving nothing but dark brown soil. His Adam’s apple was moving lightly as if he was swallowing something. Possibly tears. 

” How long are you feeling like this? ” 

” For a while. I didn’t know how to tell you, so I...started to avoid you. Honestly, I hoped you would get the picture yourself. It’s not easy for me to speak about my feelings. I’m dumb. ”

” You’re not dumb. I am. I should have realized our relationship has burned out but I...I didn’t want to accept it. ” 

” I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. ” 

” That wouldn’t have made a difference, Thomas, ” Harry finally looked up at me. He wasn’t crying but the look in his eyes reminded me of a wounded animal that’s about to die. ” Because I fell for you the moment I saw you. When you first walked into the Great Hall in September, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I was so happy when you were sorted into Gryffindor. And when you showed you weren’t indifferent to me, that was...heaven. ”

” Look on the bright side, ” I tried to cheer him up as much as I could, ” you know that saying ” out of sight, out of mind ”? I’m going to leave very soon and you’ll never hear from me again. You’ll feel different then. I won’t be here next year. ” 

” Neither will I. I’ll go looking for Horcruxes, ” Harry responded. ” It’s time to end this, Thomas. It’s time for me to end him. ” 

Horcrux was talking about finding Horcruxes without knowing he won’t return from this journey. I took in as much of Harry’s face as I could so that I could remember him like this – alive, breathing, speaking. I knew I would never be able to forget him. No matter what will happen with my life after Hogwarts, Harry will stay in my memory till the day I die.

” I’m glad we had this conversation, ” Harry said, looking into my eyes, and this time I wasn’t escaping his gaze. It might be the last time our eyes meet. ” Being in the dark was killing me and I do feel a lot better now that I know how you feel about me. It does hurt but...it’s still better. ” 

” Sorry. I never meant to cause you suffering. ” 

In a distance behind us, I saw a small figure walking in our direction. It was professor Flitwick. The little Charms teacher marched like a soldier and we heard his mouse-like, squeaky voice yelling at us. 

” Potter! Winters! Does my class not exist for you two? Why aren’t you in the classroom? Why should I run around looking for both of you? Didn’t you hear the clock ringing or what? ” 

Harry got up and put his bag back on his shoulder. I got up too, professor Flitwick seemed to be very irritated. Harry’s black robe and my light blue jeans had stems of grass sticking on and we shook them off with our hands. And when Charms teacher had come close, but not yet close enough to hear us, Harry quickly leaned towards me. 

” I just want you to know, ” he whispered, ” I’ll love you forever. ” 

It took him no more than a few seconds to speak these words but the impact was devastating. I felt as if the Sword of Gryffindor had slashed my heart in half and professor Flitwick will see the blood seeping from under my T-shirt, staining the white fabric with wine-red. 

Harry spun around and hurried to the castle in front of us and I was the one to have to hear Flitwick’s berating about not respecting the professors and ignoring school rules. I heard him talking but didn’t listen because I didn’t care. All I wanted was to bury my head in the sand and disappear. 

In the classroom, I took the very last desk with no one sitting beside me. I didn’t listen to what spell they were told to practice. My look wandered across the classroom on its own and I found Harry sitting in the front and just like me, nobody was sitting with him. He had his wand in his hand, ready for the spell. Sitting at the opposite sides of the room, we were both alone.

Summer replaced spring even faster than the latter did to winter. It seemed that in less than a blink of an eye, the gentle warmth of the sun was changed by sweltering heat, tree branches disappeared in the millions of bright green leaves, the buds burst open, revealing the beautiful flowers hiding inside of them. Bees and multicolored butterflies were fluttering around the blossomed plants in search of nectar. Thick, lush grass resembled a carpet that you could easily walk on barefoot. On breezeless days I was drenched in sweat just by walking to the greenhouses to help professor Sprout reorganize her plants. The only shelter from the heat was inside the castle. 

Classes were almost over and students were packing their bags to go home and enjoy their 2 monthly holidays. The castle became quieter and less busy as the school year was approaching its end. I did my best to spend a little time with everyone I had made friends with during these months. 

Neville was generous enough to leave me Trevor, confessing he’s tired of the toad just as much as the pet’s tired of him. I let the frog into the Black Lake soon after and watched Trevor happily swimming around, finding other amphibians and disappearing into the dark waters, never to be seen again. Students from all houses were stopping me in the hallways to have a word or two with me before they leave. Almost everyone wanted to say goodbye to me. I had become something like a local celebrity just for being a Muggle. 

Hermione and Ron prepared to accompany Harry in the search for Horcruxes. The fact that Harry won’t be alone, made me feel a little better but even if he and I were still on good terms, I couldn’t have joined them. It was a magical journey and I had no place there as I would only slow everyone down. So I talked to my fellow Gryffindors as much as possible, hoping to save the bits of friendship we used to share. I understood that they would always support Harry more than me and me breaking his heart could have changed their opinion of me. But even if that was true, they didn’t show it in the slightest. 

So when the day came for us to separate forever, Hermione hugged me and held me tight, telling me how much she’ll miss me. Ron did the same. But neither Harry nor I made a move towards each other. 

” Good luck, ” was the last thing I said to him. Just that, no handshake or shoulder clap. 

Harry looked at me once and his eyes were so full of pain it almost physically reflected from under his lashes. Maybe he too expected some kind of tender farewell like his friends got. But I wasn’t able to. Now that I had torn all the ties with him, embracing him would be inappropriate, although I would have given a lot to touch his hair or to kiss him one more time. It was impossible now. I had made it impossible because of my soul.

From the windows of the Clock Tower, I watched all three of them departing from Hogwarts grounds. Backpacks bouncing on their backs, they looked like three heroes-to-be, determined to change the future, no matter what it might cost them, yet at the same time so vulnerable, young and inexperienced, heading into the ultimate danger. At one point, Harry stopped and turned around, looking up. He was too far away to be able to see me, but nonetheless, I sat down on the cold stone floor. 

Here, nobody could see me and I let my emotions loose. I cried for what felt like hours, mourning something that probably would have never been mine even in the best outcome. Warm summer wind was drying the tears on my face and if my soul actually had a value of any kind, now it was howling in pain. It had been a long time since the last time I shed a tear and while I was crouching in the tower, they flowed free like venom that’s draining out of a punctured furuncle. 

I missed the supper and don’t remember at what point I lost consciousness. However, the next morning I awoke in my bed inside Gryffindor tower. I was tucked in tightly and a jug full of clear water and a plate of cookies was standing on my nightstand. I guess I was transported here magically.

One by one the students left Hogwarts and just like I used to watch them coming back from the winter holiday, now I was watching them leaving for the summer holiday. A long line cheerfully snaked its way towards Hogwarts Express and I knew I would never see any of them again. Eventually, I was the only student left in the whole castle. Normally, the staff went on holiday too, but this year they all stayed in Hogwarts because of me in case there was a need to defend me from anything. And I felt guilty for not letting them have free time after working all year long. 

I walked through the empty hallways and couldn’t find a place for myself. Without that sound of hundreds of voices, laughter, and footsteps, these walls felt cold and unwelcoming. I spent almost all of my days in the library, turning over the pages of many books, and got yelled at by Madam Pince when I accidentally stepped into the Restricted Section. I only went back to the Gryffindor tower when the time came to go to bed. For I couldn’t stand being alone in the vacant common room, the deserted dormitory. 

Even though I was the only student left, nothing changed according to the care towards me. Breakfast, dinner, and supper were waiting for me every day like always. But I had almost lost my appetite and with it – a few pounds of weight. It became very eerie and isolating for me to sit and eat in the Great Hall all by myself with the four long tables totally empty. So I asked to have meals in the Gryffindor tower instead and the permission was granted. I would sit in my bed, slowly nibbling until the food was cold.

I felt incredibly lonely. Sure, I could go to Dumbledore or run down to the greenhouses to spend some time with professor Sprout who was still my all-time favorite Hogwarts professor. One time I even walked down to the dungeons to check out the Potions classroom that had always fascinated me. Professor Snape didn’t speak much and although he didn’t tell me to leave, I could feel he’d prefer me not to be there. 

Sometimes ghosts kept me company. The Nearly Headless Nick would glide through the air beside me and tell me stories of what the world was like centuries ago when he was alive. Not that it wasn’t interesting but the professors and even ghosts were adults. I longed for a peer to talk to and thought about Harry a lot. I wondered where the three of them were and if they were alright.

A week before my birthday Dumbledore requested me to not leave the castle anymore. In his opinion, it wasn’t safe. I did as I was told without objections and watched the Hogwarts territory from the windows. There was an undeniable amount of tension around that I didn’t feel before. The fewer days were left till August 25th, the more nervous everyone seemed to get. I knew why. The time was running out for Voldemort and professors were worried he might try to wreak havoc at the last possible moment.

On August 24th Dumbledore ordered the staff to secure the castle to the maximum. I watched the professors out in the courtyard casting spells one after another, until all the Hogwarts’ grounds were enclosed in a bubble-like magical barrier. Inside, giant iron portcullises blocked every door that locked itself with a loud jingling sound. Spindles rotated and cylinders fired into place. Iron spikes, sharp as a razor, rose instantly in front of windows. 

” He’s coming here, isn’t he? ” I asked professor McGonagall. 

” Not necessarily, ” she answered, as calm and composed as always, ” but we’re taking extra precautions anyway. It’s better to be overprotective than underprotective. ”

Shortly before midnight, everyone gathered in the Great Hall. All professors had their wands drawn as if they were preparing for a war and I was sitting in the middle of them. Dumbledore’s eyes were keen and attentive, he was sitting at the edge of the table, in front of everyone. Behind dozens of locked doors, we were waiting and waiting. 

I looked at the clock. Ten minutes were left till midnight. My heart was thundering in my chest and I was praying inside my head. After all the months of hiding, just a few more minutes was all I was asking for. Around me, I heard the breathing of my guardians. Their faces were strained but they didn’t look afraid. 

Five minutes. I lifted my eyes to look out of the barred window and on the other side of the enchanted barrier I saw several black shadows. They seemed to crawl up and down, stretching and shrinking, feeling around to find an entrance, a weak point in the enchantments. My heart fell into an abyss and I pointed it out to professor McGonagall. She was looking in the same direction and nodded. 

One minute. The ghastly apparitions looked like they became agitated, probably feeling that the valuable seconds were coming to an end. They tried and tried, clawed and jumped, unable to break through the barrier, always bouncing off of it or burning to death at the touch of it. Was it Voldemort out there? Or were they his servants? Anyway, they seemed to be out of luck. 

And then the clock in the Clock Tower rang. Twelve times. It was midnight, August 25th, and the prophecy was annulled. I was 18 years old.


	19. Chapter 19

For a few seconds, everyone stood silent. The dark figures outside the magical barrier slowly disintegrated. Dumbledore lowered his wand and the other professors followed his example. The tense facial expressions relaxed and a sigh of relief escaped the mouths of some present as they listened to the clock resoundingly striking midnight. 

” Happy birthday, Thomas, ” the headmaster said, turning to me and letting out a small, but very warm smile. 

” Thanks, ” I muttered under my breath, having awaited the birthday I sometimes doubted would come. 

House elves carried a chocolate cake into the Great Hall, big enough to feed my entire neighborhood. It was a real wonder of culinary - three layers of meltingly good devil’s food held together by real fudge frosting and decorated with fancy little squiggles of white icing. Everyone took a piece and I hoped they wouldn’t start to sing ” Happy Birthday ”. My parents always sang this song to me every year and I hated it. But they didn’t and I wasn’t hungry at all, much less for sweets. Nonetheless, I ate to show appreciation to the work of elves, who had probably worked hard enough to make this delicious mountain for me.

The next day it was time to pack for home. As much as I enjoyed Hogwarts, deep inside me, I had always hoped for this day to come and now it had come. I borrowed one of the remaining school owls, who was a little fractious, obviously not used to working in summer, and sent my parents a message that I would be home this evening. I couldn’t wait to see their faces after a year of separation. The fact that I was actually going home, seemed almost unreal to me, I could hardly believe it. 

However, I was bugged by this dark, anxious feeling that I couldn’t get rid of. It felt as if nothing was over yet. It felt like Voldemort wouldn’t come to terms with his loss after I had slipped through his fingers. An inkling that he far from accepting that a simple Muggle fooled him buzzed at the back of my head like a beehive. Maybe going home was a suicide, but there was no other solution. I couldn’t live in Hogwarts forever.

Dumbledore himself accompanied me to the Hogsmeade station. Step in step we walked away from the castle and in a distance, I could already see the Express waiting for me. I was going to be its only passenger. Though summer was coming to an end, that day was very hot. The armpits of my shirt were sodden and the exposed skin had tanned to a golden bronze shade. Behind me I was pulling my travel bag, the wheels screeping on the ground path. It was much heavier than when I arrived, as now it was full of all the gifts I had received. 

” Forgive me, Thomas, ” Dumbledore suddenly said, ” I’m very sorry. I know you’re mad at me and you have all the rights to be. ”

” I’m not mad at you, sir, ” I replied, ” why would I be? You saved my life. ”

” And separated you from Harry. ” 

I shrugged. ” It’s for the best. We probably would have broken up anyway. We come from two different worlds after all. I never really expected it to last. ” 

Whether that was true or not was a better question. It was difficult to tell what would have come out of Harry and my relationship if there were no obstacles for us to be together. I knew there were cases of wizards and Muggles managing a successful marriage and family life, however, most of the time it didn’t happen without sacrifices. Either wizards and witches had to pretend to be Muggles for the sake of their spouse or Muggles were forced to live in a society where they couldn’t do anything that their partner could. Both seemed highly inconvenient for a long term commitment.

” I don’t know what the future holds for you, Thomas, ” Dumbledore said, putting his hand on my shoulder in a fatherly manner, ” but remember this – magic will always come to your aid when you need it. ” 

Had I known this was the last time I would ever see Dumbledore alive, I would have given him a lot warmer goodbye. Instead, we just shook hands while the Express was whistling, ready to head into the long journey back to London. Through the window, I looked back at the Hogsmeade station where the elderly wizard was still standing, as if he was keeping an eye on me departing. The Express gained speed and Dumbledore’s figure shrunk smaller and smaller until I couldn’t see him at all anymore.

Hogwarts castle was the last thing that disappeared from my view and I tried to keep my eyes on it as long as possible. I knew I would never forget it, even if I never set my foot there again. The Express was totally empty and I could choose any compartment I wanted. The trolley lady was there as well, pushing her rattling cart towards me, even though I was shaking my head as soon as I saw her in distance. It seemed like it was her duty to approach everyone whether they wanted it or not. 

I wanted no sweets, I had my bag full of them. Instead, I tried asking for a cup of tea, and this time it was the lady’s turn to shake her head, stating they only sold snacks. The sun was shining right into the window, but I bore it for the sake of the landscapes the train passed by. I tried to look at everything and remember everything. 

I recalled the September 1rst of the last year and a needle of sadness pierced into my heart. I remembered how lonely, unwelcomed, and nervous I felt when I was on my way towards the unknown. My heart was trembling when I first walked into the Great Hall, got sorted, and sat at the Gryffindor table. I thought I would never be accepted, yet I was. Professors treated me with respect and most of the students were as friendly as they could get. 

For a moment I contemplated buying a diary and writing down all of my experiences to the tiniest detail while they’re still fresh so that I wouldn’t forget anything. But soon I realized what a reckless idea that was. If that notebook by accident came into the hands of someone else, that could be quite catastrophic. No Muggles were supposed to find out nothing about magic and I didn’t want to be that stupid person who leaked the secret because of fear of forgetting. I had to rely on my memory only.

A few hours later the hunger started to get the best of me and I reached inside my bag in hopes to find some toffee or a bar of chocolate. While rummaging for the food that I had put deeper than I previously thought, my fingers brushed against something soft. This definitely wasn’t anything edible and I pulled the item out. 

It was a mitten. A knitted mitten in pecan color with Gryffindor crest on it, the other one was lying somewhere in the bag. That was Harry’s Christmas gift to me. As I remembered how happy we were back on Christmas Eve, I wasn’t hungry anymore. My hands were cold that morning when I sent Hedwig to my parents. That was the coldest winter I had ever lived through and I stuck the mitten back into the bag. I knew I would never wear these specific mittens again, even if the whole of London froze into ice.

King’s Cross station was bathed in the ruby red gleam of the setting sun when the Express finally came to the stop. The train’s hypnotic rocking had lulled me into sleep and I was awoken by the driver who said we had arrived. Even though it wasn’t that late yet, the station looked pretty much deserted when I got off. On the platform Nine and Three-Quarters, there wasn’t a single soul, all the students and their parents were at home months ago by now. I walked over to the wall that hid a barrier, separating the wizarding platform from Muggle platforms, and hesitated. As soon as I walked through it, this magical journey would be over for me. Forever. 

I reached forward and my hand sank into the wall as if it wasn’t there. I pulled it back. This was one of the moments when you simply had to let go. No matter how much you wanted something and how painful was it for you to leave it behind, you had to let go. That world wasn’t meant for me. I was a Muggle and where I was supposed to be was on the other side of the barrier. Nothing could be done about it. 

Somewhere deep inside me, a tiny crack split into a ravine of pain. I sighed. _Know your place, Thomas_ , I told myself as I took a step forward and walked right through the wall.

The Muggle King’s Cross station was totally different and not abandoned at all. When I emerged from the barrier, I got dizzy from all the noise and bustle. Trains were honking and people walked in all directions like ants, carrying luggage of all shapes and sizes. Voices murmured all around me, somebody was complaining about their train that was delayed, someone grumbled about the price of the tickets, higher than last month. A mechanical voice in the loudspeakers announced which trains were close to arriving and departing. 

I looked back at the wall behind me and pressed my hand against it, believing that the magic was still there. But my palm met the coldness and roughness, absolutely ordinary. Nothing but a hard, discolored brick wall. The barrier worked one-way only and now it was closed. 

A middle-aged woman with a child by her hand came up to me. She looked alarmed and intrigued at the same time. 

” Excuse me, ” the woman addressed me, eyeing me from head to toe, ” did you really just walk through the wall? I don’t think I imagined that. ” 

I leered at her, annoyed, hurt, and bitter. And when I was sad, I was very irritable and she was sticking her nose in business that just like mine, wasn’t hers.

” Go visit a goddamn psychiatrist, ma’am, ” I said and left, leaving the woman open-mouthed. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a chubby man with a thin mustache moving from leaning against the corner and coming over to her. He slid his hand into the inner pocket of his jacket and took out what looked like the tip of a wand. I had never seen this man before, but he may be a part of Hogwarts staff, taking care of any accidents Muggles might witness. The moment of me walking through the barrier will be irreversibly erased from the lady’s memory. 

My parents were waiting on the furthest end of the platform. Seeing their faces was such a relief, as sometimes I was wondering if they were still alive. My mother was crying when she embraced me and I felt the familiar scent of her favorite perfume. Her hair was cut shorter than a year ago and she was wearing a summer dress with floral print, so long that I couldn’t see her shoes. My father ruffled my hair and hugged my shoulders, keeping a calm, happy face, but his eyes were red, which meant he had been crying too. Not in front of me, of course. I don’t think I had ever seen him crying in front of someone.

Together we walked through the smothery station. It felt like there’s no air in the building at all and we were breathing other people’s exhales, the steam of the vending machines’ cups of coffee, the aroma of cheap flowers, sold in small, cramped shops, and the stench of unwashed bodies of the homeless. I was walking in the middle holding both of my parents' hands as if I was a kid again, even though now I was officially an adult. 

” So is it over now? ” my mum asked. ” Are we going to live like before? ” 

” Yeah. We will. ” 

I wanted to believe it, but for some reason, I didn’t. My eyes kept wandering all over the railway station, looking for something, someone that might have followed me to the Muggle world where I won’t have the magical backup. Maybe I had become paranoid, but I felt like I was being watched. This must be the sensation the criminals who escape from the prison get, when they’re trying to enjoy their freedom, yet staying alert for the cops. I didn’t feel I was safe but I much preferred keeping these thoughts to myself, rather than putting similar worries in my parents' minds.

When the car stopped at our cream-color house and the last rays of sun illuminated the red tiles so brightly it looked as if the roof was on fire, I felt like I was dreaming. After a year of absence, it was surreal to open the gate of my fence, walk into my front yard, and past the apple trees the leaves of which had already started to turn yellow. They had given so much apple this year that we couldn’t possibly eat them all. That’s why after using part of them for jams, juices, and mashes, my mother put the remaining apples into cardboard boxes and placed them on the side of the street outside our property so that anyone willing could have them. And people seemed to be interested, as two of the boxes were empty and the third was half-empty.

Inside the house, I was immediately greeted by a familiar scent that was characteristic to our house only. It was fresh air, ground, vanilla, strawberries, and a bit of cleaning detergent. That’s what home smelled like to me. Prior to going to the King’s Cross to meet me, my mother had boiled potatoes and wrapped the pot into a thick down duvet, so now, hours later, the potatoes were still hot. This trick for keeping the cooked food warm had gone from mother to daughter for many generations in her family. 

All three of us sat at the table and had a late supper. This was no Hogwarts meal, of course. Just boiled potatoes with sour cream, vegetable salad, and a bit of lean meat. But I was starving beyond beliefs and would have gobbled down anything on the plate. While we were eating, my parents wanted to know everything about my journey and I was eager to tell at first, but soon realized I must filter what I say.

I did tell about the Sorting ceremony, everyday life in school, the friends I had made there, the professors and their classes, as well as the different kinds of magical creatures and the wonderful Christmas celebration. I also mentioned getting into a fight with Draco Malfoy and my parents' reactions varied. Mother was shaking her head in disappointment and reproached that I shouldn’t have let a bully provoke me like that. But father was proud and supportive, glad that his son had acted ” as a real man should. ”

What I left out were details no one had to know because no one would understand. I didn’t say anything about Draco’s multiple attempts to seduce me. I kept silent about nightmares that tormented me night after night and the source of which was Harry. I didn’t mention hours that I had spent with tears rolling down my cheeks for many different reasons. And I said nothing about my relationship with Harry. So when my father leaned over to secretly ask in my ear if I managed to hit it off with some hot witches, I responded they preferred wizards, not Muggles.

My parents hadn’t moved anything in my upstairs room, except for wiping the dust and airing. Everything was exactly where I left it a year ago. The backpack that I used in my Muggle highschool was hanging on the back of my chair in front of the computer desk. The laptop was laying closed on my bed and I realized I have to search through my notes for the password because I couldn’t remember it anymore. My phone was finally working again and when I turned it on, loads of text messages and voicemails from my friends popped up one after another. On the bookshelf, the spines of the books of my favorite genres – thriller and mystery – faced out.

It was around midnight that my parents went to bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. After a while of tossing and turning, I got up, turned on the light, and started unpacking. I folded my clothes and put them in the closet, perfectly clean – the elves had taken care of it. I put toiletries where they should be and brushed my already clean shoes one more time. Then through the darkness, I tiptoed downstairs and took one of the cardboard boxes my mother used for storing apples. It was for what took the biggest weight in my bag.

Every wizarding item I owned went into the box. Dragon models, wizard chess sets, an enchanted razor, a lunascope, the Bludger souvenirs, and many other things filled the box almost to the brim. On the very top, I placed the mittens and closed the lid. Then I pushed the box under my bed. Two reasons – I didn’t want to see a constant reminder of a world I had and lost, as well as I didn’t want others to see it. Those were magical items after all.

I fell back into bed and Muggle problems started to occupy my mind. I read some of the messages my friends and classmates had sent me. Everyone was asking where am I and if I’m alright. I had to start thinking about the explanation I would give them when we meet. It was extreme for someone to disappear for a year without even answering their phone.

Another issue was education. All my former classmates graduated from high school this summer, but not me. I hadn’t done one thing from all the subjects necessary for graduation and as I took a look at the books of Math, History, Science and Chemistry, I realized I have a big and hard work in front of me if I wanted that diploma. And I wanted it.

I considered maybe finding some kind of job to help with household expenses, but my parents didn’t want to hear about it. ” Not now, ” father answered, finishing the last potatoes on his plate earlier tonight, ” finish your studies and then do whatever you want. ” I knew he wanted me to follow his footsteps and become a doctor but medicine didn’t interest me. Mother wished I would study foreign languages so that I could get a job that allowed me to travel and see the world. I myself had no idea what career path I wanted to choose. Pretty much anything that paid decently and didn’t have crazy working hours would probably be fine.

The window of my room was open, the curtains moved lightly in the breeze that had the tints of dying summer and upcoming autumn in it. A dog barked in the yard of some house across the street. A few still living cicadas were making their typical noise. An ambulance dashed on the main road, its siren piercing through the nightly silence. A company of young people who didn’t feel like sleeping was laughing several houses away. 

My parents were asleep in their room down the hall. They were happy that their son is finally home, safe and sound, and magic – the unexplainable mystery, the supernatural force that fundamentally messed with the ordinary laws of nature, was over. My parents were unable to fully understand the concept of magic and to be fair, neither was I. I was only able to admire it and I had witnessed so much magic unrevealing in front of my eyes that I could feel it. The unworldly sensation crept into my bones, seemingly coming from the items in the box under my bed.

Something pitter-pattered on the windowsill outside of my window. I slid the curtains apart and looked outside. It had started to rain. Heavy raindrops were falling from the pitch-black sky and when I closed the window, they splashed against the glass, creating miniature creeks. I knew I would feel like shit tomorrow if I didn’t get any sleep tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to get under the blanket. 

I was looking at the ordinary neighborhood where I was born and had spent my entire life. Twelve miles from the center of London, it was a safe and quiet town and I dared to say that no witch or wizard had come from here. Street lights threw orange puddles onto the pavement. On the other side of the street, lines of houses, quite equal in size were sinking into the darkness of the night. Only two windows still had light in them, left on by night owls like me or insomniacs. 

The light was also on in the house next to ours and I did know who lived there. It was Ms. Haigh, a single, elderly woman, struggling with alcoholism, right now probably having a booze party by herself. My family would chat with her sometimes when she was sober. 

I closed the curtains, feeling drowsy, and lied down on top of the covers. I thought I wouldn’t sleep however, a few minutes later my eyelids shut close.


	20. Chapter 20

Over the following days, I almost wished I was Obliviated. I could stuff away things but not my thoughts. Every morning I awoke with Hogwarts in my mind and in the evenings before falling asleep, all kinds of unwelcomed magical memories floated through my brain. For a while, I felt disoriented waking up in my own room and not the dormitory in the Gryffindor tower. Slowly I was getting used back to my family’s modest meals, the view from the window of my bedroom that was streets and houses instead of treetops and mountains, and the house that seemed so small compared to the vasts of the castle. Returning to the ordinary Muggle life was harder than I expected and the world that was forbidden to me almost never left my head.

Certainly, there were some nice aspects as well. I had missed my parents like crazy and loved spending time with them, catching up with stuff in the house I had missed out on. I was free to roam the Internet once again and get lost in its endless, entertaining content. I was back into my familiar neighborhood where I knew every corner and felt safe, at least for those few days.

I went to high school and managed to come to an agreement with the headmaster I would be able to get my diploma if I passed the final tests in all the subjects. Which meant I had to start studying like crazy and without the help of teachers because technically I was expelled from school for being absent so long. First, it seemed like an impossible task, but then I remembered I have been through worse and accepted the deal. 

As I thought about how I was going to organize my individual study process, the words of the Sorting Hat echoed into my head ” _Good mind, you’re smart with creative ideas and a desire to discover_ ”. I personally had never seen it in me but who was I to argue with the observations of an ancient magical being that had considered putting me in Ravenclaw with scholars.

I wasn’t purposely seeking reunions with my old friends but one sunny autumn day I ran into Alex. He was a former classmate of mine who graduated this summer while I was hiding in Hogwarts. Back in school, we had an amiable and fun relationship. Alex was a natural jokester and everyone loved him, except for teachers whose classes he sometimes interrupted with his booming laughter and inappropriate comments. He was a little shorter than me with a round face, dimples in his cheeks, and sparkling, hazel eyes. 

After giving me a sincere hug, Alex wanted to know where I was the entire year. Of course, he did want to know that. And I knew that alongside all of his good qualities, Alex was also an incorrigible prattler. Whatever you told him was in everyone’s ears pretty soon.

” It’s complicated, ” I answered, ” it had to do with my wellbeing. I had to leave town. ” 

” Why? ” Alex asked, strolling next to me, his hands in the pockets of his loose jeans, and laughed. ” Were you hunted by a hitman or something? A drug cartel? ” 

I smiled back. Alex didn’t know how close he actually was to the truth. I was hunted indeed. However, by something much more powerful than a hitman or a drug baron. 

” Not quite. I had...something like a situational depression. Maybe the stress of last year of school and uncertainty about what I was going to do next fucked me up, I don’t know. The doctor believed the change of environment would benefit me the most. ”

Alex listened, kicking the fallen leaves as he walked. They dissolved into slippery mush under our sports shoes. The day was hazy, the morning mist didn’t go away even though it was afternoon already and the sun was shining right through it, creating an illusion of a cloud landing over the town. On the pavement there were puddles left by the last night's rainfall and the sun reflected in them, shooting the blinding rays right into the eyes. We walked around them, now too grown to march right through like we did in childhood. 

” Well, damn, ” Alex said, slipping his hand into the pocket and pulling out a half-empty pack of cigarettes, ” was it really that serious that you had to skip the entire school year? ”

I shrugged, accepting the cigarette he offered. ” It was either that or the nuthouse. ” 

Alex’s eyes widened in an unmistakable surprise as he was fishing for a lighter in his other pocket. ” Bullshit, Thomas! No way you were that sick. You're not that type of loony. Are you alright now? ”

I nodded. ” Medicine does wonders. The shittiest thing is that now I have to study by myself to make up for the year and get that diploma. Everything else is a small matter. ” 

We shared the lighter and stopped for a moment to smoke. The benches were just as wet as the streets and we leaned against the big trees at the entrance of the park. I wasn’t a regular smoker but enjoyed a puff every now and then. I liked the bitterness of the tobacco and the smell of the smoke. And I already knew I was going to receive a hollering from my mother today. Her nose was like that of a Bloodhound and she could always tell when I had smoked.

” Since you have returned, ” Alex said, exhaling a huff of whitish-grey smoke, ” wanna leap back into the life of entertainment? ” 

” Like what? ” 

He smirked. ” The Rattling Rat? ” 

A sudden gush of nostalgia rushed over me. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about it. The Rattling Rat was an underground night club, located in a narrow, obscure alleyway where no person usually came round during the day. It first opened 3 years ago and immediately became a hot topic in schools. 

Little was known about it, the information was spread not through the official news but from person to person only. It was very different from the other night clubs that stood in open view, showered in all the colors of the rainbow, frankly inviting people in. The Rattling Rat was hidden in the darkness of the alleyway with nothing on the exterior but a plain wooden board with the club’s name on it and a rusty metal door. No glowing neon signs, no fancy designed letters, nothing. Shrouded in mystery, the club allured the youth like a bright light bulb attracts moths.

The amber at the end of my cigarette lighted up lustrously. ” Is it still working? ” 

” Sure. Why wouldn’t it? The public has changed a little but overall it’s still the same old Rattling Rat. The girls, Thomas! You won’t believe it. Seems like all the babes from the big clubs have finally discovered the Rattling Rat. ” 

I was nodding in agreement, trying to figure out if I was interested or not. The last time I visited the Rattling Rat, I was a different Thomas. I was someone who had never witnessed magic and had never been with a guy. Now I knew I was at least bisexual. But nobody else had to know that, especially Alex who was changing his girlfriends like socks.

” When are we going? ” 

Alex shook the ashes off and put off the remaining small piece of cigarette. ” Tonight. I, Oliver, and Noah with Emily will be going. Come with us. ”

He said the names of our mutual classmates. Apparently, they were all still hanging out together even after graduation. I agreed, wanting to see their faces and find out what they have been up to. Before I had been visiting the club for entirely different reasons. I just wanted to drink, dance, and have fun. Today I knew that deep down inside, I was hoping that the Rattling Rat would bring up a magical feeling in me. It truly was a very special night club.

When the Rattling Rat first opened to visitors, rumors started to fly around. Teens were talking about many different, even ridiculous theories, like a certain sacrifice of blood that must be given before entering the club, collected by the owners themselves, or cases of people entering the club and never coming out. Because of the lack of facts, no one knew for sure, but everyone wanted to know what’s going on in there, including me. I was almost 16 years old when I first visited the Rattling Rat.

The night club was, of course, meant for adults only. You had to be over the age of 18 to enter, so technically we weren’t allowed in. However, soon we learned that whether we were let in or not really depended on the bouncer. If we were lucky, the bouncer was this kindhearted dude who simpered and allowed us to enter, though he clearly saw we’re underage. But sometimes in front of the door, there was a douchebag who was always asking for ID and never yielded, even after we humbly asked. In those cases, we could do nothing but go straight back home.

I remembered that my first impression of the concealed night club wasn’t necessarily the best. After finally getting in, I thought that this place was really shady and seriously considered leaving. It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the dimmed lighting. The Rattling Rat was accommodated in the basement and had the accordingly creepy, underground vibe to it. Electric cords were hanging from the ceiling and pipes were bent all over the walls like eerie decorations. Vintage loudspeakers were placed on every corner, they vibrated from the sound. On the right side stood a little bar counter with few stools and quite a large variety of bottles. 

On a little stage at the back of the room, a local rock band was playing live music and everyone was jumping in the rhythm of pure rock. There wasn’t a lot of space and people were crashing into each other as they danced without batting an eye. Eventually, the fear of the first-timer left me and I joined the others on the dance floor. And time flew like a straw in a wild wind.

From that day on the Rattling Rat became a rare, sacred, and secret trip for me. I knew my parents would never allow me to go to a night club at the age of 16, so I lied about staying over at my friend’s place, when in reality I, Alex, and a couple of friends sneaked through the dark streets to the club. The more people in the group, the bigger was the chance of entering, as bouncers found it too time-consuming to check the age of everyone. From time to time we were denied access to the club and then I actually stayed at someone’s place. Miraculously, my parents never found out about this mischievous habit of mine.

The Rattling Rat was a safe haven for those whose alternative mentalities were different from the normal world. The main visitors were people, escaping the boredom and dullness of everyday life. There they came upon the muddle of the new age where consumerism mixed with poverty and free-thinking with prejudices. Teens who found discipline and system to be a burden were also gathering there and the 90ties had opened a sluice to the branches of music that came like a tidal wave – indie, metal, punk rock. 

Every time I was in the club felt like walking on the edge of a blade because sometimes I wondered if this place was legal. There had been police inspections when they walked into the club to check what’s going on. I enjoyed the rebellious thrill of possibly getting caught in the night club as an underage kid, but that never happened. In the Rattling Rat, I felt free and happy and I desperately wanted to experience it again.

The night club opened at 9 pm and I started to get ready shortly before. The Rattling Rat had no dress code, you could see all kinds of clothing there, from sneakers and sweatpants to gowns and tuxedos. The atmosphere was relaxed and one could probably get inside even covering with a leaf only. I chose a simple sweater, jeans, and sports shoes, comfort above everything else. 

” Dress properly, it’s getting cold outside, ” my mother reminded, sitting by the sewing machine and making new decorative pillows for the sofa. ” And don’t get drunk. ” 

” Don’t get too drunk, ” my father whispered, as he winked and smiled at me from over his newspaper.

I smiled back. As conservative as he was in other matters, my father had no problems with me going out, partying, and having a drink or two. In that case, he understood me. I hadn’t had any alcohol for more than a year and was surprised at how much I actually craved it.

Halfway to the club, I met up with my friends who all wished to hug me and feel me as if to make sure I was really here. Alex was already tipsy and announced loudly that Thomas was having ” a little issue with his head. ” Noah held his arm around his girlfriend Emily’s shoulders who was shivering in her thin tights, high heel shoes, and leather mini skirt. Oliver, one of the smartest kids in the class, looked at me with his eyes sparkling in pure homecoming joy. I enjoyed seeing him as well. Nobody had changed a lot, aside from a few insignificant alterations like a different hairstyle.

The five of us walked through the nightly streets towards the nightclub, this time without any hiding, legally allowed to do it and I almost hoped that someone would ask for my ID. On the way, we emptied a couple of beers each and I felt my brain releasing a nice rush and my mood lifting as the dopamine filled my body. A warm and fuzzy sensation overfilled me and just for this night, I didn’t give a damn about all the troubles I was facing. 

We were talking and laughing. I was around people who were just like me, people who didn’t carry wands in their pockets, studied in an ordinary school, had ordinary families and goldfish as pets instead of owls. Neither of them could do something I couldn’t. We were all the same, regular people who didn’t have magic coursing in our blood. We were all Muggles. Mudbloods, as some would say.

Alex was chatting with Oliver, and Noah and Emily didn’t stop kissing even when walking. A dark autumn night thickened around us, illuminated by the pale white street lights only. Gusts of wind soughed through the town, raising the wet leaves into miniature tornadoes and I regretted not listening to my mother and not dressing more warmly. A few dozen windows were still bright in the tall bodies of the blocks of flats. We walked past the church, quiet and locked. God had abandoned the town for the night. 

A few cars whirred by and there were hardly any other people on the streets. That’s why I noticed movement on the street across from us. Hidden in the shadows behind the oak there stood a humanlike figure. At first, I didn’t pay much attention, thinking it was probably some drunk or homeless, who couldn’t find a place for themselves tonight. But when we moved, the person on the other side did too. I kept glancing from the corner of my eye every now and then, not wanting the stranger to know I have noticed them but keeping an eye on them at the same time.

We passed a street pole and when the light of the lamp briefly slid over the figure that was following us, my eyes widened with alarm. It was a cloaked, hooded person, dressed in black from head to toe, and where the face should be, they had a mask on. A gruesome, silvery mask with nothing but snake-like slits for eyes. Their hands were hidden somewhere in the folds of their clothing and they never stayed behind. My heart hammered in my chest as this gave me serial killer vibes. It wasn’t Halloween yet to walk around in masks. 

” Do you guys see that? ” I asked, turning my friends’ attention to the strange figure that mimicked out steps across the street.

Everybody stopped and looked around for a while, seemingly startled, maybe expecting to see someone with a gun or knife, someone naked, someone trying to commit suicide, or just something unusual.

” What? ” Noah said, his eyes wandering over the opposite street walk. He looked bored. 

” That guy over there. He’s been following us for a while now. ”

I didn’t know if that was male or female. I could only approximately judge by the robust body shape that didn’t look to be female’s. Now the person was standing motionless, facing us, looking straight at us. I fought with rising panic and didn’t know why. After all, there were five of us and just one of him. We could take him down pretty easily if it came to that. 

Alex furrowed his brows and looked at me in confusion. ” There’s no one there, Thomas. What are you talking about? ” 

My throat tightened at the realization. I was the only one who could see the weird, cloaked figure. All that appeared in front of my friends’ eyes was just an empty street, nothing else. And I intuitively felt that the masked stranger is no friend to me. It reminded me of the dark apparitions outside the Hogwarts castle when the clock was striking midnight on my birthday. 

” Are you actually that drunk from just a few beers, Thomas? ” Emily laughed, her arms around her boyfriend’s neck. ” Normally it takes more sips for boogeymen to start hopping around. ” 

Noah, Alex, and Oliver giggled with her. I wasn’t drunk, not yet. Emily was right – it took more for me to get actually intoxicated, a couple of beers couldn’t have done it. I knew what I saw. Suddenly I got intensely afraid not as much for myself as for the safety of my friends and wanted to get them indoors as fast as possible. We were just a few meters away from the alleyway that led to the door of the Rattling Rat.

” Yeah, probably, ” I forced out a smile, not wanting the others to think Alex was right about me being out of my mind, ” let’s go inside though. It’s cold as hell out here. ”

We turned around the corner and there it was – the entry to the night club I was illegally lurking to so many times. Not much had changed since the last time I was here. The metallic door seemed to be repainted and above it, a single, old-fashioned lantern cast a triangular, ghostly light. The bulb was flickering, possibly a scary effect to the already gloomy flavor of the club. At the very end of the alleyway, a famished stray cat jumped over the garbage cans, causing a loud, rattling sound. Perhaps that’s where the Rattling Rat got its name from.

The bouncer was a man I didn’t remember seeing before. He didn’t ask for our ID’s and simply stepped aside, allowing us to reach the door. I was the last one to enter the club and glancing towards the beginning of the alleyway, I saw the same figure that had followed us all the way till here. It was standing like a statue, watching, evaluating, waiting, the grotesque, face-hiding mask turned towards me. Then, with a quick swoosh, it turned into a back swirl and shot up into the sky, leaving behind a trail of black smoke that disintegrated shortly after the thing’s disappearance. 

I stood there, my stomach clenching, looking at the opening of the alleyway, empty as if nothing had even been there. It wasn’t, couldn’t be human. And if it was, it definitely wasn’t a human like me. Where did it go? Will it return? And why no one else was able to see it? 

” Are you coming in or what? ” the bouncer asked impatiently. He obviously didn’t love his job very much.

” I am, ” I answered, pushing past the door opening into the club. I glimpsed at the alleyway one more time. Empty.


	21. Chapter 21

The odor of the night club immediately brought me back to the past 2 years ago when I first stepped into the hidden gem. The Rattling Rat smelled of liquor, dust, spicy perfumes, wooden colognes, and something that I would describe as a basement smell – rotten vegetables and dampness. Together they formed a cocktail of aromas in which the guests thrived. The public was a little different, though I still recognized faces of the people I didn’t know but had seen dancing as if it was their last dance, getting shitfaced at the bar counter or snuggling someone in the darkest corners of the club.

We sat at the bar and ordered something to add to the already fading effect of the beer. The Rattling Rat didn’t have bright laser lighting systems or vibrant, rotating disco balls, it had never used those things. That’s what made the club so different from its counterparts. The lights were darkened, wrapping the whole place in smoky, mist-like color. The only faint glow came from the bar, illuminating all the bottles, the counter, and stools. Coins jingled, Noah was being a good boyfriend, paying for Emily’s drinks too. 

I was leaning against the counter, sipping on my Jack Daniel’s and looking around. Every time the club’s door opened, letting in new guests, I shuddered from the cold air that flowed in. The rock band cramped on the small stage were getting ready to perform, testing their musical instruments that emitted various pitched sounds. 

The visitors’ intentions were quite clear if one watched carefully enough. A middle-aged man dressed in a raincoat sat at the small table at the very furthest wall with a bottle of rum in front of him. His look was stuck to the floor and his face expressionless, obviously, he was here to drink only. A group of young people fidgeted on the dance floor, shifting from one foot to the other, and couldn’t wait for the music to start. A couple was sitting on a grey pouf seat, not noticing anyone and anything around them, mesmerized with each other’s faces and probably planning to let off the steam in the club’s restrooms.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the thing I saw outside. What the hell was I even wondering about? If that was a wizard, I wasn’t safe in here, the bouncer or the door will be zero hindrance to someone magical...especially if they have mastered the Dark Arts. But I wasn’t safe anywhere else either, as now I was in the Muggle world. How long has that thing been watching me, following me, spying on me? Has it seen my house? Maybe even been inside while my family was asleep? Who knew how close to death we might have been. I swallowed another gulp of whiskey, racking my brain about whether it was a servant of Voldemort or possibly the dark wizard himself.

” Why so pensive? ” Oliver smiled, placing himself next to me with a glass of gin&tonic in his hand. 

I shrugged. ” It’s just been a while. I had already forgotten what clubbing felt like. This is almost like being here for the first time. ” 

Oliver looked behind his shoulder where Emily was cuddling with Noah and Alex was busy taking photos of the club. He was always doing that and sometimes I was curious as to why. He didn’t seem like the type of person who keeps a journal of pictures from the places they have visited. In the dusky light, Oliver’s sky blue shirt had taken the tint of denim cloth. 

” Where were you actually? ” he asked, leaning closer to me. ” I find it really difficult to believe you of all people would have depression so severe it prevented you from attending school. ”

” Why not? ”

Oliver lifted his eyebrows in question. ” You were one of the most joyful guys in our class, I remember. When we left for the summer holiday in June, you looked very fine. What could have happened over a few months that messed you up so badly? ” 

At this point, I had already drunk a lot and felt I was approaching my limits. I had always scorned people who get so drunk they cannot control their own bladder, pass out on the floor or vomit their insides out on the street corner. I had never been that drunk. I just knew when I had to stop. But even with alcohol clouding my judgment and grave things feeling like a child’s play, I didn’t say a word about Hogwarts. Maybe the enchantments that were placed on me contained a spell that made me unable to speak about the wizarding school. But honestly, I felt that it was more like my inner code. No matter how drunk I was, some secrets were to remain secrets.

” I don’t know what caused it, Oliver. Looking back at the last year now, I can’t explain how was I that depressed. Doctors know better, I guess. The human mind is not a machine, anyone can fall. ” 

” Are you alright now? ” 

” Yeah. And I don’t like remembering it, to be honest. We’re supposed to have fun here, not discuss my mental issues. ”

I looked up at him. Oliver had seriously glowed up since the last time I saw him. Back in school, he was what you would call a nerd and was frequently bullied for it. His brilliant mind and top grades didn’t save him from jeering and physical assault, those were in fact his undoing. That was the main reason for certain assholes to pick on him out of jealously or simply because being a straight-A student wasn’t considered cool. Unlike me, Oliver was unable to stand up for himself and every day went home with a few bruises at the least.

Now I almost didn’t recognize him. His thick-rimmed glasses were switched for contacts. The collared, plaid shirts that he used to button all the way up were gone, just like the loafers and the tie, the horrible tie that I could never muster up the courage to point out to him. Goodness gracious, what kind of teenager wears a tie to school every day? But Oliver did, for many years, apparently without realizing he made himself look like a grandpa. 

That night he looked like a regular 18-year-old. Over the past year, Oliver had let his hair grow longer and changed the style as well as the color, now rocking a chocolate brown quiff that went really good with his cinnamon colored eyes. His face, previously prone to acne, was clear. It seemed that he and physical exercise had become quite close friends, judging by the nicely muscled biceps, revealed by the short-sleeved T-shirt. He was indeed a very good looking guy. I had never noticed that before.

” You have changed, ” I said, emptying my glass in one go. ” A lot. ” 

Oliver smiled. ” From ugly duckling to swan, huh? A little self-care goes a long way. Had I discovered that a few years ago, my life in school might have been better. ”

” I never said you’re ugly, man. ”

Oliver looked deeply into my eyes and I remembered that in school, some used to call him ” oddball ”. Back then I thought it had to do with his knowledge addiction and little social life. Now I realized they meant something else. He would avoid the queen of the school – the most popular girl who guys would kill for just to sit next to her in class – or girls in general. At high school, almost everyone had some sort of relationship with the opposite sex, but Oliver was alone and occasionally blushed at the sight of handsome boys. The truth only hit me now, when I had the experience myself. 

I stepped back a little. Oliver was an eye-candy, he truly was. And I sensed he would respond if I chose to start something. However, I couldn’t force myself to want what I saw. In Oliver's face, I was looking for green eyes, round glasses, messy black hair, and a scar, shaped like a lightning bolt. Nothing was there, of course. It’s wasn’t fair for me to lead him on, as my friend simply couldn’t be...Harry.

I was saved from any further awkwardness by the rock band that was finally ready to play. The guitars roared with the first notes of the cover of a song by Nirvana and we jumped to the dance floor. I was surprised at how my body didn’t need any time to remember how to move in the rhythm of the music. The sound was so mighty it resonated from the walls, reflected from surfaces, and shook the entire club like a lovely earthquake. I could feel my heart vibrating with the magnitude of the music. The lead singer yelled into the mic, inviting everyone to sing with them. 

Emily let her hair down, allowing it to tangle and resemble a bushy mane as she danced. We rioted around the club like primitive men who dance around the bonfire in front of their caves. The floorboards rumbled under the dozens of feet stomping them. All the fear, doubt, and dark thoughts flew out of my head, I felt blood rushing through my veins, my heart galloping in an insane rhythm, and sweat trickling down my back under my sweater. The sensation of freedom and bliss filled me to the max. I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was just a young lad in his natural habitat, a smile on my face, shouting along with the song the lyrics of which I knew by heart.

And girls...Alex was right. There were a lot of girls for all tastes – blondes and brunettes, curvy and skinny, tall and short. Some had come just to dance and some had more serious intentions, such as fishing for boys for a one night fun. I didn’t push away anyone who wanted to dance with me and to an extent, enjoyed the sensation of soft, manicured hands around my neck or the scent of hairspray when she put her head on my chest for a slow dance. However, nothing more than that. Whenever someone tried to kiss me, in front of my eyes I saw Harry’s face and couldn’t do it. 

I rejected some half-drunk chick who, partly not understanding herself what she was doing, shoved her body into mine, her hand trying to unzip the fly of my jeans. After that, I walked away from the dance floor and spent the rest of the night, sitting at the bar and going through about 10 shots of vodka. But even the strongest alcohol didn’t erase my thoughts as much as I hoped it will. I was still thinking about him and wondered if it would ever pass. After all, it was nothing more than a quick teen romance. It had to go eventually, one way or the other.

From my seat, I watched my friends who all seemed to have forgotten mine or anyone’s else existence. Noah and Emily were doing united, yet bizarre dancing steps that didn’t resemble any dance moves I could remember having seen. Oliver was moving a little slowly, his cheeks flushed and glass with a drink still in his hand while the other one was around the shoulders of a petite girl who barely reached his armpits. I was pretty sure no one in our friends' group knew about Oliver preferring boys and the dance with a girl was nothing but a disguise to him. 

Alex was hugging a girl who didn’t look like she was of legal age. Even if she wasn’t I knew Alex didn’t care. First, because he had always been a rule-breaker, and second because she was really pretty. That moment I felt a burning desire to be like my friend. To be ordinary, to be heterosexual. That night, I envied Alex and everyone else in the Rattling Rat, because they were happily unaware of the supernatural that lived right beside them. Because they weren’t kept awake at night by the thoughts of steaming potions, bubbling in cauldrons, a flock of birds flying out of wands, Horcruxes, hidden castles, and an invisible train on the other side of a wall. Because they didn’t have a soul that had a high appeal to the darkest forces on this planet.

While all the nightclubs normally closed around 2 or 3 am, the Rattling Rat kept its door open for the longest. The eccentric club closed around 5 am and could have given shelter to those who didn’t know where to go after their regular places of entertainment were locked. However, some still falsely considered the club to be a meeting place for drug addicts, prostitutes, and ex-convicts and wouldn’t go near the Rattling Rat if you paid them. I could have said the same about the typical night clubs. The indecent things that occurred inside the popular clubs, hidden behind the colorful stage lighting and DJs playing the latest hits, hadn’t been observed in the Rattling Rat once. 

My friends and I separated shortly before 5 am. Oliver offered to accompany me home, but I refused, not wanted to give him any false hope. It was best for him to know he had no chance with me. I walked home alone, feeling as if I was the only person in the town. The streets were deserted which was completely normal for this hour. The neighborhood was still entwined in darkness, though far away a thin, bumblebee-yellow line of dawn was shyly making an appearance through the cloudy sky. The wind carried a bunch of wet, drenched leaves over me, it had rained sometime during the night. I wasn’t cold, the alcohol in my system was giving a sensation of warmth, even if it was a fake one.

I turned around the corner to the street that led to my house. After clubbing I felt drained, thirsty and the first notes of headache were introducing themselves. _Am I really too old already to not be able to spend a night awake without physical consequences_ , I asked myself and chuckled. 

Then, a sound of footsteps behind startled me more than I was willing to admit. The thought of the person I saw before going to the club came into my head again as I turned around, scanning the abandoned street and feeling like a fool when I saw the source. A young woman was walking her dog, not paying any attention to me. Nothing more. 

I stood for a couple more minutes after she was gone and watched the houses, windows, gates, and yards. Nothing, just a quiet neighborhood in which everyone was still asleep. _You’re an idiot_ , I said to myself, _go home and sleep off your drunkness. Nobody’s after you, it’s nothing but your imagination._ At the end of the day, maybe Emily was right. Maybe after a year of being totally sober, a few beers had a stronger impact on me than I thought. Maybe the thing I saw disappearing into thin air was just a hallucination. It probably was. It’s over, after all. I’m 18. Nobody needs me anymore. Right? I tried my hardest to make myself believe it.

On my way home, I stopped to check the mailbox. Just out of habit, as it was way too early for the mailman to walk around. However, putting my hand inside I felt it wasn’t empty and thought that it was probably yesterday’s mail that my parents forgot to take out. Yet, it wasn’t. 

Inside the mailbox, there was a rolled piece of pale parchment. I opened it up to find nothing, just a blank material with nothing written on it. I sighed and almost threw it into the garbage, thinking that some nasty kids were joking by putting shit into people’s mailboxes, but something withheld me. The longer I held the parchment in my hand, the more I felt the need to take it inside with me. For some reason, the empty parchment suddenly seemed very intriguing and I decided I can always throw it away later. Overwhelmed by interest, I shoved it into my pocket.

I unlocked the front door very quietly and carefully, knowing that my parents are asleep. The house was silent, the ticking of the clock on the living room wall was the only sound. Everything was in perfect order and the new, puffy pillows were laying on the sofa, wearing the pillowcases my mother was making yesterday. On the kitchen table, there was a plate with slices of pie, wrapped in a plastic bag and meant for me. But I wasn’t hungry. 

I took a quick shower, washing away all the dust of the club and fingerprints of those who touched me. Having refreshed, I was ready for a small nap, and tiptoed back to my room, wrapped in a towel only. As I was putting away my clothes, the piece of parchment fell out of my pocket onto the floor. I picked it up and unrolled it once again, suppressing a shiver when I saw it wasn’t empty anymore. In front of my eyes, letters started to appear one after another, as if written by an invisible pen.

 _That was a foolish thing to do, Mr. Winters. Death Eaters are everywhere now and you were unfortunate enough to run into one last night. Your nightly walk could have ended very differently if we weren’t there. You would do us a great favor by not purposely putting yourself in danger. Please, consider abstaining from leaving your house at the dark time of the day. Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall._

At the bottom of the parchment, the Hogwarts crest took its shapes, as well as the words _P.S. Destroy this._

My hands were shaking as I reread the professor’s letter again and again. So it was true, alcohol wasn’t to blame and my intuition about the stranger being wicked was right. My body went cold with the dread of realization I had been face to face with Death Eater who was there to grab me, hurt me, or worse. And the clatter near the garbage bins next to the club might not have at all been caused by a cat. Somebody from Hogwarts was there to protect my life. The Death Eater didn’t leave because it wanted to. Instead, it was scared away. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up from thinking that I could have not made it home this morning. 

I opened the drawer of my desk and rummaged inside until I found a lighter. Then walked downstairs and returned with a bowl my mother used to make a salad in. After a moment of hesitation, I stroke a fire and brought the corner of the parchment nearer, fulfilling the professor’s order. The flames engulfed the letter like it was dry grass. I held it until the fire reached my fingers and placed the parchment into the bowl, watching as the orange and blue flames consumed the black ink and multicolored, magnificent Hogwarts crest. Within minutes, the whole thing was burned down to ashes.

Anxious, I walked through the entire house, making sure that every door and window was locked. I knew it was a no obstacle to a wizard, the unlocking spell would do the trick just fine. But it made me feel a little better. McGonagall didn’t say anything about danger during the day, but what was going to happen when nightfall comes...I couldn’t protect my house, not from a wizard. I wouldn’t worry too much if it was just me. But my parents also lived here and I’d rather die myself than witness their murder. 

I fell into the bed, the lighter still in my hand. The nap? Forget it now. I was thinking for hours about why would they still need me. The answer was always the same – revenge. A matter of principle. After I escaped, Voldemort wasn't going to simply let me live and thrive. If he can’t have me, no one can. There were only two ways how this could end – either I die or he does. The latter felt pretty unrealistic to me, especially considering Harry as his opponent. As much as I loved him, I had to admit Harry was so young and inexperienced compared to Voldemort. I didn't believe my lover would be able to defeat him.

I was laying awake until it was 8 am and I heard the door of my parents’ room open – my mother was getting up. She was an early bird and never did lie-ins, now on her way to the kitchen to cook some breakfast. For a second, I had a horrifying image embodying in my head about a Death Eater that’s already there, waiting to kill her. Perhaps at that moment, I was close to insanity, but I ran out of my room and downstairs into the kitchen. 

The curtains at the kitchen windows were opened and the whole room was filled with the light of autumn sunrise. Sun glints jumped playfully all over the fridge door. The kettle was steaming, water boiling inside of it and except for my mother, nobody else was there. Dressed in a plum color housecoat and white slippers she was standing by the kitchen counter, cleaning the pan she was going to use to fry some eggs. Hearing the steps behind her, she turned around.

” Well, good morning, party beast. When did you come home? ” 

” Uhm...around midnight, I guess, ” I answered and sat at the table. 

” Yeah, right, ” she said incredulously, placing a mug of coffee in front of me. ” I went to the bathroom at 2 am and you weren’t here yet. Or maybe you want some painkillers? ” 

I shook my head. ” I’m not drunk, mom. ” 

” Don’t lie, Thomas, I can smell it. ” 

She returned to the stove and took a few more eggs out of the fridge, for me too. I slowly sipped the bitter, aromatic coffee and watched my mother, wishing it wasn’t our family that was pulled into this story of horrors, yet I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone else either. I wasn’t going to tell her anything, her or my father. There was no point. Having found out that Death Eaters are prowling our neighborhood like jackals, my parents would only start to panic in vain. In this, I was all alone.


	22. Chapter 22

For a few weeks, I felt like I was living on the edge, expecting magical attacks left and right. I spent several nights awake, walking around the house, and looking out of every window to spot a potential threat. I didn’t know what I was looking for or what the fuck would I do if I found something, but one day I collapsed onto the living room sofa from sleep deprivation. Dark circles started to appear under my eyes and I was extremely irritable. My parents worried, unable to understand what was going on with me. However, nothing even remotely dangerous happened to me or my family and eventually, I started to relax. To keep attention away from what made my knees turn to jelly, I jumped headfirst into Muggle life. 

It got colder and rainier, and some mornings our garden in the backyard was covered in frost. My father brought the foldable lawn chairs inside as well as took down the small gazebo that he had built himself and which served as a shelter from the sun when enjoying summer days outdoors. Due to the unpleasant weather, I stayed at home more than went out, and I turned to studies. I wanted to receive the stupid diploma as quickly as possible, so I spent hours after hours in front of my computer or struggling through the textbooks. 

Without a teacher, it was difficult for sure, especially when it came to subjects I had never been very good at – Math, Physics, and pretty much anything else that had to do with calculations. My father was good at Chemistry, but I didn’t ask him for help. I felt like this was a battle I had to win on my own. 

The magical items I owned started to behave strangely as time went on. It was almost like they were sentient to an extent and didn’t like being shoved away under the bed. One dark, foggy morning I woke up to find the box in the middle of a room. Thinking I might have done that myself while tossing and turning in sleep, I pushed it back and left. And when I came back after running some errands, the box was right where it was in the morning – in the center of my room precisely. 

My parents denied touching it or walking into my room in the first place. It seemed like something was begging for my attention and from that day on I placed the wizarding box in my closet instead of the dusty darkness under the bed. Looked like that was satisfying enough, as it no longer jumped out on its own.

I never forgot professor McGonagall’s warning and no longer stayed out after it got dark. I missed the Rattling Rat and my friends but was forced to reject their offers to join visiting the night club. It got lonely quickly. I hardly met anyone during the day because everyone had things to do and money to make. Emily was working in a beauty parlor as a nail technician and as a guy, I had no business being there. Oliver had enrolled in a university, not that I would have expected anything else from my bright-minded friend. He was to become a lawyer and his daily schedule was extremely busy from morning till evening. Alex and Noah had chosen not to continue their education and worked middle-class jobs. Noah was a taxi driver and Alex worked in retail. 

” You sure you don’t want to go out tonight? ” Alex asked when we met during his lunch break. ” It’s gonna be fun. Sophia has a lot of friends, gorgeous, athletic babes. You might meet someone. ”

Sophia was Alex’s current girlfriend who I knew would probably be gone by the next month. Alex didn’t believe in commitment at the age of 18 and certainly wasn’t a keeper. Though we were young, I would be seriously surprised if my friend ever decided to settle down and have an actual family. 

We were sitting in McDonald's close to the warehouse where Alex worked and enjoyed cheeseburgers, fries, and Coke that was so unnecessary overfilled with ice cubes my teeth were sincerely protesting. Alex was eating with appetite, only allowed one half-an-hour long break in his 10-hour shift. His red and blue uniform seemed a little loose on him, though if fast food was all he ate all the time, eventually the size might be just right.

” I don’t think so, ” I answered, ” somehow that doesn’t sound appealing at this point in time. ” 

” Why is that, by the way? ”

” What? ” 

” Well, you don’t seem to be interested in chicks at all. Always alone. Yeah, I know you had some girls here and there back in school, but...do you even get laid? ” 

I pulled one of the last fries out of the package. Cold they didn’t taste nearly as good as freshly cooked. ” That’s the only thing you think about? Fucking? ”

” You should be thinking about that as well! When else to fuck without any ties if not now? Now’s the right age. Later you’ll have a hundred and one obligations – wife, kids... ” 

I smirked sarcastically. ” So strange to hear the word ” wife ” from your mouth, Alex. You must have read it from a public toilet wall or something. ” 

” Go ahead, laugh, ” Alex responded, half-joking, half insulted, ” but 20 years down the road don’t complain that I didn’t warn you. You only have one youth and it’s meant to be enjoyed. Jesus, if I didn’t know you any better, I’d almost say you’re...nevermind. ” 

But I knew what Alex meant to say. Gay. Faggot. Queer. _How little you know me then_ , I thought. It’s was such a paradox to be next to someone the majority of your life and think you know them when in reality you have no idea who they truly are. That was the case with Alex and the rest of my friend group. They were friends with the shape of me they had in their minds, not the real me. And maybe I didn’t know myself either.

” Mind your business, my friend, ” I said, packing the empty wrappers of cheeseburgers and fries onto the tray so that waiter could take it away. ” I have to study, no time to loiter around. Gotta get that paper, you know. ” 

The day was dismally and depressingly dark, the packed rainclouds didn’t let even the tiniest ray of sun to escape. I pulled the hood of my sweater over my head and zipped the jacket all the way up. My feet felt a little cold in my sneakers and I decided to get over with my duties fast. 

After meeting with Alex I went to the post office to mail some letters for my mother, who didn’t listen when I pointed out that mid-November might be a little too early for mailing Christmas cards. I went into the pharmacy to buy blood pressure-lowering medicine for my father and some sleep-inducing pills for myself. Nobody had to know about the latter. I only took them when falling asleep naturally was not an option. I collected packages from the pickup shop and went into the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. When I was done, it had started to rain a little.

I smoked a cigarette as I walked home, disoriented raindrops almost managed to put it out. I walked past Ms. Haigh’s house, the neighbor was nowhere to be seen and her house looked deserted, dark with every curtain drawn closed. That was a good sign that Ms. Haigh has fallen into another drinking bout and couldn’t care as much as to turn on the electricity. Sometimes I felt sorry for the elderly lady. She had a serious addiction, yet didn’t want to admit it’s a problem. She also had an adult daughter who almost never visited and should she died, no one would probably notice that until a stench appeared. That was such a horrible way to waste your life and it didn’t matter that Ms. Haigh had technically lived the majority of her life already – she was 65. 

I sighed despondently and hurried towards my house, the shopping bags hitting against my knees. The weather was so cold, wet, and rough that I couldn’t wait to be indoors as soon as possible. Then, I looked up and froze in place, speechless and shocked. 

On my front porch, there was a feather. A large, crimson-golden feather. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. It couldn’t be true. Maybe it was just a fallen autumn leaf, brought here by the wind. But it wasn’t. The feather lied there completely still, immune to the sudden, strong gusts of wind that occasionally swept through the streets. 

I looked around and saw no one. The sky above my head was steel grey like waves in the sea on a sunless day. Tree branches were squeaking as the wind was bending them and not the tiniest sparrow was present, let alone... I reached and took the feather. It felt warm, silky, and strangely alive. I spent a few minutes on my knees, examining it. What for – I don’t know. I couldn’t have ever mistaken Fawke’s plumage for nothing.

Inside the house, I handed the groceries and the rest of the stuff to my mother. The feather was safely tucked into the inner pocket of my jacket. 

” Thanks, ” my mother said, taking the bags from me and wrinkling her nose at the same time, ” have you been smoking again? ” 

I nodded and barely heard her scolding me as if I was a 3-year-old. The only thing I could think about was Fawkes’ feather and how it got on my doorstep. The phoenix must have been here. When? And why? Was the feather a sign of some sort? A warning? Did Dumbledore send the bird to me? What was I supposed to make out of it? The wizarding world was so full of mysteries and riddles that a Muggle like me stood no chance. 

I spent the rest of the day studying, getting used to it once again. My brain took some time to memorize large amounts of information and my back fell stiff from sitting in one posture for hours. As I was fighting through algebra and geometry, thermodynamics, acids and bases, my eyes kept returning to the feather over and over again. I placed it in my pen holder and maybe it was just my imagination, but the feather seemed to move when I wasn’t looking. It would face a different direction or replace itself in front of the pencils. I knew something was going on and the inability to figure out what exactly was driving me mad. The clock on the wall stroke 6 pm and I heard my mother calling me to supper from downstairs.

The following night I couldn’t sleep. The clock hands moved from midnight to 1 am, 2 am and 3 am and I was still awake, tormented by thoughts. Further down the hallway, my father’s snoring was rending the walls and I admired my mother who was able to share a bed with him and still have a good sleep. Whenever furniture creaked somewhere in the house, my heart jolted. The feather was glowing, radiating a faint light in my dark room.

I reached for the sleeping pill package that I had hidden in the bottom of my drawer and swallowed one of the pills without water. It was bitter but even stuck in my throat did its job. Soon my eyelids grew heavy and I drifted away into a drug-induced sleep. I wouldn’t advise anyone to use the medication without a doctor’s consultation. But at that point in time, I was just crazy like that.

Over the weekend, I received several small messages from the world I had left behind. Like the previous one, they were written on small pieces of parchment and popped up randomly in unexpected places. Sometimes they were slipped between the letters and newspapers in our mailbox. Other times I would turn the page in my textbook and out of the blue the note was there. Once found the parchment in the box of my sleeping pills with a reminder to be careful with the medication. 

I didn’t know who wrote them. There was never a signature, the notes were fairly short and I intuitively destroyed them all without being told to. From the provided information about life in Hogwarts, the toppling of the Ministry of Magic, and the devastated lives of witches and wizards, I learned that the Second Wizarding War had started. 

My heart was bleeding for everyone involved, for all the innocent wizardkind that have and will lose their lives in Voldemort’s attempt to rise to power once again. Day after day I kept ruminating about the destinies of people I had grown to care for – all the Hogwarts’ professors I had the pleasure to meet. What was going through the minds of the first-years who had just come to study and were thrown into a massacre instead? And I thought about the three friends I would probably never meet again. I wondered if they were still alive.

But nothing hit me harder than the news about Dumbledore’s death. I gasped loudly as I read it and the tears that fell down my cheeks seemed to have water on the outside and fire on the inside, they fell back into my soul scorchingly and jarringly. All the time I had felt like as long as the powerful and kindhearted wizard was somewhere out there, the wizardkind and I were safe. Now he was gone and so we were all fucked. Without Dumbledore, Voldemort was free to create a living inferno among both wizards and Muggles.

I was thinking about what I would have said to Dumbledore had I known the farewell in Hogsmeade station would be the forever farewell. The circumstances of his death were never explained to me but I was sure he was murdered. Somebody killed him. Somehow I knew it. 

And here I was, upset at the headmaster for splitting Harry and me when he allowed me to enter the world I was never supposed to find out about, accepted me in Hogwarts, fed me and nurtured me, brought the best healers to nurse me back to health, went against the Minister’s orders and let me keep my memories and saved me and my loved ones from a gruesome death in the hands of Voldemort. And my gratitude for that was holding a grudge over the loss of a relationship that would have most likely ended anyway. What a moron I was. I would have given a lot just to look into Dumbledore’s eyes one more time and tell him that.

At the beginning of December, I was awoken by a tapping sound on the window. Annoyed and still half-asleep, I turned around in my bed and looked at the clock. It was 3:30 am. Thinking that some dense thugs were probably loafing about and bothering the quiet of the night by throwing pebbles at peoples’ windows or something, I pulled the blanket over my ears and ignored the noise, trying to go back to sleep. 

However, the tapping didn't stop and after a couple more minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore. Angry and ready to get up and yell at whoever was doing it, I peeked at the window and my squinted eyes opened wide in astonishment. 

In my window, there was a big, black and tall shadow. It seemed to have oval, spiked and curved shapes and while the lower part of it was still, the upper part was slightly moving. That’s where the sound was coming from. _What the fuck is that_ , I thought, silently watching the strange vision that hopefully was outside of the window. Due to the moonless night, I could only see the contours and had no idea what I was looking at.

For a while I was lying motionless, hoping that whoever it was would leave if it thought I couldn’t hear it. I was scared, but weirdly I was sure it wasn’t Voldemort or one of his henchmen, as they would most likely shatter the window glass instead of politely knocking for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, the curiosity was stronger than fear and I slowly climbed out of the bed and sneaked over to the window. Very carefully, I slid the side of the curtains away and leered out. 

It was Fawkes. The phoenix was sitting on the windowsill, using his beak to knock on the glass to get my attention. As soon as I moved the curtains, Fawkes’ head snapped in my direction. He lifted one foot and pointed the golden claw towards the window handle. I couldn’t believe my eyes, moved the curtains aside, and opened the window wide. Fawkes jumped inside my room and I shot quick glance around. The streets were empty. I sighed, closed the window, and drew curtains shut.

” What are you doing here? ” I asked and turned on the lamp, whisking away the dark, shuddering in the cold breezes that had come through the open window. 

Fawkes didn’t answer, of course. I had forgotten how big and impressive the phoenix was. The swan-sized bird came up and nuzzled against me like a domestic cat that’s asking attention from its owner. I hugged the creature, Fawkes was warm to touch, his tail even hot despite outside being winter. He was Dumbledore’s pet, I remembered the headmaster talking about phoenixes being extremely loyal. What could have made him come to me after his ties with Hogwarts were obviously severed now.

” Your master passed away, I was told. ” 

Tears welled up in Fawkes’ black, pearl-like eyes. Gently, I wiped them away. The phoenix was suffering, much more than I was. It must be terrible to lose your constant companion you have shared decades of faith and friendship with. 

” I know, ” I said, petting the feather crest on Fawkes’ head. ” I miss him too. ”

I was certain the phoenix understood every word I said even if he couldn’t respond in a human-like way. Fawkes clacked his beak and I poured him some water from the bottle on my nightstand. Fawkes was drinking long and eagerly. Who knows how long he was sitting on the windowsill, waiting for me to get up. My room was quite spacious but Fawkes was so big he seemed to take the most of the place. I was sure the phoenix had come with some kind of a message. I reached for the feather and showed it to Fawkes.

” Is this yours? ”

Fawkes looked at the feather keenly, lolling the posh head from one side to the other, as if he had never seen it before though, deciding if he wanted to own up for it though the feather was clearly his. The light from the lamp made his scarlet plumage look as if the bird was on fire and the long beak glistened like the most precious gold in the world. The phoenix was an amazingly beautiful creature. 

” Alright then. What can I help you with? ” 

Fawkes circled my room for a while as if looking for something. Then the air whizzed under the agile wings and he flew on top of my bookshelf. A moment of heat ran through me as I expected the furniture, made of just wooden pallets, to break under Fawkes’ weight, but it didn’t. The phoenix looked like a large plush toy as he puffed up his feathers and made himself comfortable above my books.

I stood there with my mouth open as Fawkes hid his head under his wing, maybe to sleep a little. The phoenix didn’t come to let me know something. There was no message. He just changed his place of living. Whether Dumbledore sent him to me or Fawkes switched his allegiance himself after the demise of his owner, it seemed like for at least the time being I was going to share my room with a magical creature who had decided to come into my house instead of becoming a wild phoenix and roaming the Earth however he wanted. It was unbelievable. 

I crawled under the covers again and turned off the light. It was very early and sunrise was still hours away. I couldn’t sleep anymore but Fawkes could and I watched the phoenix's body moving slightly in the rhythm of breath and his feathers shimmering like a candle in wind. I even pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t asleep and dreaming. My skin ached at the pinch which confirmed I was actually awake and aware and all the magic I thought I would never see again, had begun to lurk towards me through the barrier in the King’s Cross station, London.


	23. Chapter 23

When I opened my eyes the next morning, Fawkes was already awake, standing by my bed. I reached down and stroked his head, Fawkes pecking my hand playfully. Never having had a pet before, I wasn’t completely sure how to take care of one. However, that turned out not to be a problem, as Fawkes would show me pretty clearly what was it that he wanted. The phoenix tapped the empty water bowl with his claw, meaning he was thirsty and possibly hungry. I got up, realizing that first and foremost I have to introduce Fawkes to my parents. Muggles could see phoenixes and I couldn’t hide him from them forever. They used to come into my room every now and then for various reasons and it was better if they found out about him from me rather than running into an unexpected surprise. 

I went downstairs to the kitchen where my parents were having breakfast. The kitchen was smelling of freshly brewed black coffee and bacon with eggs. My father’s plate was half-empty and only dregs left into his cup. He was reading a newspaper and on the main page, I saw a big article about several families found dead in their own houses. Police had no clues or answers as to why these people had simply dropped dead for apparently no reason.

My mother was flicking through some glossy ladies’ magazine, her hair was still wet from the recent shower, drying into the warm steam of the kitchen. I sat down at the table, worried as hell. I might only be able to touch breakfast after I got through with this. 

” Good morning. ” 

” Morning, son, ” my father abruptly answered without lifting his eyes. 

I delayed some time by pouring myself a coffee and spreading butter on toast. Mother and father weren’t very talkative, but it was normal as breakfast had always been a quiet meal in our house. We enjoyed the morning as a family and only spoke if we had to. Supper, on the other hand, was different. That’s when my parents liked to share how their day went, gossip about their job colleagues, and bitch about their bosses.

” I’m going to show you something, but I don’t want you to freak out, ” I finally said, unable to eat. 

My parents simultaneously looked up at me and in their faces, I saw that they were ready to freak out. Mother glanced at father who kept looking at me over the top of his newspaper. Their features went from bored and relaxed to cautious and pensive. They must have thought what I thought they were thinking – that I wasn’t going to talk about ordinary problems and it had something to do with the place I went to a year ago. 

” What are you talking about, Thomas? ” my mother asked, putting away her magazine.

I led them upstairs to my room. My parents whispered among themselves and looked around warily as if we were walking through a funhouse and a creepy decoration could pop up at any moment. My skin felt itchy as if pricked by needles when I laid my hand on the door handle. 

” Don’t be afraid. He doesn’t mean any harm. ” 

Despite the warning, my mother did scream silently when she saw Fawkes. The phoenix was sitting on top of my desk, looking as glorious as always, his black, wise eyes darting over my parents. He was chirping in a low voice and I wondered if this was his way of saying ” hello ”. 

” What kind of a parrot is this? ” father asked, deep lines engraving themselves in his forehead.

” It’s not a parrot. It’s a phoenix, a magical creature. His name is Fawkes. ”

” A magical creature? ” mother said in a troubled voice. ” Is it starting again from the beginning? I thought we were through with all the magic and whatnot. ” 

” I thought that too, ” I answered, filling Fawkes’ empty bowl with fresh water. ” He arrived last night. ”

” Why did he arrive? ” father asked, leaning against the closet, his arms crossed over his chest. Neither he nor my mother went near Fawkes. ” He can’t stay, Thomas. You know I’m allergic to all kinds of pets. ” 

” I don’t think you’re gonna be allergic to him, dad, ” I said, only partly sure of that, ” Fawkes used to belong to the headmaster of Hogwarts before...before he passed away. ”

” Passed away? ” my mother asked, now sounding somber. ” That elderly, kind man who was here last year has died? ” 

Hearing someone else say it, was twice as bad as endure it on my own in silence. It felt like the wound that had just managed to skin over a little, was torn open again, blood gushing out of it. But at the same time, I was glad my mother remembered who Dumbledore was. Maybe it was only natural. You couldn’t forget a man who literally saved your child’s life. 

” So what are we now going to do with this bird? ” father seemed to be dissatisfied and that was so much like him. He didn’t like animals because animals didn’t like him. Their hair made his eyes water and nose run. ” Doesn’t look like he has a lot of space here in your room. ”

” I don’t know why Fawkes is here, but eventually, I’ll learn, I guess. I will take care of him myself, that won’t be your burden,” I said, though I was sure Fawkes didn’t need humans to survive. ” I just showed him to you so that you wouldn’t have a heart attack or something by seeing him randomly. And it’s a secret, of course. You cannot speak about him to anybody. ”

And so Fawkes started to live with me. He was immensely faithful, modest, quiet, and very exciting to be around. I couldn’t live in the magical world but now I had a small piece of it in my life that I longed to come home to every day. Being a hard believer that those who nature had endowed with wings must be allowed to use them, I often left the door of my room open so that Fawkes could fly around the house if he wanted to. But he only did so if I was out too. My father built a simple, but sturdy perch for Fawkes in the living room where the phoenix would sit while we watched TV or drank chamomile tea in the evenings. 

Magic was scaring my mother, nonetheless, she brought herself to feed Fawkes and give him clean water when I wasn’t around. The phoenix was eating everything we offered, from store-bought bird food to berries, fruit, and eggs. He wasn’t picky, at all. Sometimes, Fawkes would sit at the back of my chair during breakfast, pecking on the bread crumbs left by toasts and once even dipped his beak into coffee for the first and last time. The bitter, sugar-less drink was clearly not his taste. 

Just as I thought, my father wasn’t allergic to Fawkes. The assumption I made based on the fact that Fawkes was no ordinary bird, turned out to be true. Around us, he pretended like he couldn’t care less and ignored Fawkes, but I found him several times trying to communicate with the phoenix when he thought no one was present. Seeing me, father made excuses he only came to talk to me, embarrassed of being caught showing interest in Fawkes. I smiled as I nodded, pretending to believe. Father had denied animals his whole life and now was ashamed of admitting he had grown fond of one. 

At this point in time, my friends happened to be a problem. They wanted to see me just as I wanted to see them and figured out that since I don’t go out anymore, they would come to my house. This gave me another challenge when I had to make up a reason as to why they couldn’t visit me in my house, my room like they had done many times prior. But I couldn’t show them Fawkes. I couldn’t expose magic to more Muggles than absolutely necessary. Fortunately, my mother helped me to get out of this one. On her behalf, I told Alex and the others that my parents are getting older and no longer desire a gang of young, loud people in the house. That was enough. There were borders that even my crazy friends didn’t cross.

However, the greatest ordeal of protecting the magical secret came the next day after Fawkes arrived. It was afternoon and after having studied for a couple of hours, I decided to air my head and walk around the neighborhood a little. On my way, I took out the trash and lighted a cigarette when I was sure I was far enough from home. The day was exceptionally clear, the weather forecast promised no rainfall for the following 48 hours, and to waste that would be a sin. Considering the month, it should be snowing by now but instead, we got rain. That’s Muggle England to you.

After wandering for an hour or so, I returned home and already in the distance saw Ms. Haigh walking in her front yard. It had been a long time since I saw my neighbor outside of her house and hopefully, she had come to her senses...for a while. I knew she would talk to me when I go by, she always did. Sometimes she asked how my parents and I are doing, sometimes she talked about herself. I didn’t mind chatting for a while if she wasn’t too drunk. However, she did ask me once to fetch her a bottle of vodka from the store because she was too unkempt to do it herself. It took a lot of explaining that it wouldn’t be sold to me as I was only 15 years old at the time.

I waved at her as I walked past. Normally she would wave back or come up to the fence to meet me. This time Ms. Haigh came running from the opposite side of her front yard the moment she saw me. She staggered slightly, and I could only guess if it was because the intoxication hadn’t completely left her body or because she had already managed to load herself with a new dose of booze. She was wearing worn-down slippers and a leopard pattern housecoat that was tied over grey sweatpants. All the garments looked like they hadn’t seen a washing machine in ages. 

” Good afternoon, ” I greeted her, ready to move forward. Today, the neighbor didn’t seem to be reasonable enough for talking.

Ms. Haigh opened the gate and grabbed me by the sleeve of my jacket, pulling me into her front yard. She seemed anxious and frightened as if she had seen a ghost. 

” What’s the matter, ma’am? ” I asked, freeing my hand from her grip. ” How can I help you? ”

” Hello, Thomas, ” she said in a quiet, shaky voice. ” Come in for a cup of tea, will you? ” 

In close, the neighbor looked even worse. Yellowish-green stains of what could be vomit were speckled over the front of her housecoat and smudges of maybe ketchup and ranch were smeared on the sweatpants. Her sand-blonde hair was greasy and uncombed. I felt repulsed, yet pitied her at the same time. Ms. Haigh looked like an ordinary homeless person. 

” No, thanks. Promised my parents to be home early. They’re doing good, by the way, ” I said before she could ask.

” Thomas, what happened last night? ” she leaned closer and I held my breath to avoid the revolting stench of alcohol coming from her mouth. ” That enormous bird? What was that? ” 

” Excuse me, what? ” 

Ms. Haigh’s eyes widened and she began to gesture expressively, pointing her finger towards my house. I wondered if she was standing in her front yard all day long, waiting for someone from my family to walk by and explain the miracles she had witnessed. 

” Last night I saw a huge bird outside your window. It was giant and red with a tail like a peacock’s. And it was sitting there for a long time, pecking at the glass! And then you opened the window and it flew inside. What was that? ”

Panic seized my brain. From Ms. Haigh’s kitchen, it was possible to partly see my bedroom’s window. Last night, stunned by Fawke’s visit, I hurried too much when I scanned the streets. Somebody did see the phoenix. Ms. Haigh wasn’t asleep in the dead of night and from her window she had caught the sight of Fawkes. 

” What are you talking about, ma’am? ” I asked, forcing out a smile. ” I was sleeping and there were no peacock-like birds by my window. ”

” I saw it, Thomas! ” Ms. Haigh traced my face with her bloodshot eyes. ” Don’t try to fool me! I saw it with my own eyes. ”

For a moment, my mind was going wild, trying to think of some plausible, false answer I could give her. Then I calmed down. Had Fawkes been noticed by Alex, Oliver, or anyone else whose head was clear and worked properly, it would be much harder to make up a credible lie. But my neighbor was an alcoholic. Her common sense was questionable, even if she didn’t want to admit it. All I had to do was make her think she didn’t actually see what she saw. 

” Alright, ma’am, ” I said, ” I’ll be honest with you but only after you have been honest with me. How much did you have to drink last night? ”

Ms. Haigh hesitated. Seemingly she didn’t expect this question and judging by her thoughtful facial expression, she was about to lie to me. I knew she hated to discuss her drinking quantities, as she didn’t consider herself a boozer. 

” Well, maybe some wine. ” 

” How much is ” some wine ”? ”

Ms. Haigh waved her hand impatiently and snorted. ” I don’t know, maybe three or four bottles. I didn’t count! ” 

_Oh wow_ , I thought. To me, ” some wine ” would be a few glasses, but Ms. Haigh’s party didn’t even start until the third bottle. Besides, she was already lying. To her, the wine was a thing of the past. I knew she was into hard liquor for several years now.

The neighbor looked at me almost timidly, like a child that’s been caught doing something forbidden. ” Is that bad? ”

” Well, I can’t imagine it’s good if you’re seeing things, ma’am. You do realize that what you’re saying is unreal, don’t you? ” 

” I’m not blind, young man, ” she argued with me, ” do you mean to tell me I’m blind? I saw that bird! ”

” No, I mean that you think you saw something after several bottles of liquor. You weren’t sober, were you, Ms. Haigh? Just think about it for a second. Why would big, red birds fly around in here, a borough of a city? We’re not living in the tropics, are we? ”

Ms. Haigh fell silent for a while. Her lowered gaze wandered over the wet leaves, rotting on the path walk to her house. She couldn’t stop her hands from shaking and in general, the neighbor was such a sad sight I felt bad I had to mix up her already uncertain thoughts even more. But I was determined to protect the secret of magic with all I had. I felt bound to defend it, an unprecedented sensation of commitment as if I myself was a wizard. 

” That had never happened to me before, ” Ms. Haigh finally spoke, her voice full of shame, ” it seemed so real. I can’t believe it. Was it really a hallucination? ” 

” Of course. What else could it be? You really should kick the habit, ma’am. It’s ruining you from the inside out. ”

Usually, Ms.Haigh reacted very defensively whenever somebody hinted that she has a problem. This time she slowly turned around and walked towards her house, without even properly saying goodbye to me. I waited till she closed the door behind her, hoping that I hadn’t offended the lady too much and feeling relieved at the same time. I had managed to at least sow a little bit of doubt in her. However, from now on I had to be very careful, as this explanation could only work once. If Ms. Haigh saw Fawkes again, without the influence of alcohol, I would be in a real pickle. 

Inside my home, nothing was out of the ordinary. Mother was cooking supper, she stirred a boiling, steaming pot with a wooden spoon and I guessed we would either have a soup or a stew. My father was in the living room, watching TV. I wanted to go upstairs to my room and study a little till supper but something on the TV caught my attention.

” What’s going on there, dad? ” I asked, approaching the armchair where my father was sitting.

” The Millennium Bridge has been destroyed, ” he answered without looking at me. 

” What happened to it? ”

” No idea, son. They’re investigating right now. Could be a terrorist attack or something. ”

On the TV screen, I saw the remains of what used to be an impressive pedestrian bridge. Between the right and left side of the bridge was a huge gaping hole. Pieces of snapped cables, broken piers, and crushed dampers were floating in the River Thames. The police rescue team was shown pulling survivors out of the river and black body bags of those who weren’t fortunate enough were lying on the bank. The surrounding area was closed to keep unnecessary, nosy citizens away and a male journalist was talking about people witnessing ” plumes of smoke coming from the sky ” just before the disaster. The bridge was destroyed by multiple powerful blasts and so far the authorities had zero clues as to what could be the source of them or any other reasons behind this tragedy. 

I turned and walked to my room, my head hung low. Maybe my father was right and that was nothing more than something from our world. Maybe some criminal activity was to blame or perhaps the bridge was crushed by a technical malfunction. I wasn’t sure if lying to myself was making me feel better or not, because deep down I knew that’s not true. It had to do with magic. 

Fawkes chirped when I closed the door behind me. The phoenix was sitting on my bed, enjoying sunflower seeds from a little bowl. I sat down next to the bird and Fawkes looked at me, his eyes shining in the lamplight. 

” You almost got discovered, my friend. Next time pay attention to Muggles' presence before showing yourself. ”

Fawkes bowed in what seemed like a regretful way and now I wasn’t worried about Ms. Haigh anymore anyway. I petted the feather crest on Fawkes’ head and thought for a while. It wasn’t good at all if Voldemort’s minions had started to mess with the Muggle world. What were they even doing in the middle of London? From what I knew, Hogwarts and wizardkind in general was Voldemort’s main target for now. In that case, it made no sense for him to go after Muggles. 

” Those were Death Eaters on that bridge, right? ” I asked Fawkes. ” They caused the collapse, didn’t they? ”

Fawkes got up and jumped on my working desk. With one claw, the phoenix lightly tapped my computer. I moved from bed to the computer chair and opened the browser. The news about the bridge disaster was on the Internet as well, of course. The only difference was that the articles were a lot more detailed than the brief summary of information from the TV. I scrolled through a few pages, not really knowing what I was looking for. Fawkes was sitting on my knee, looking into the computer screen as well. Finally, I stumbled upon a column aside from the main newspapers. This article focused on eyewitnesses and people who were on the bridge and managed to survive the disaster. One of them was a man named Thomas Winters. 

My heart stopped. This Thomas Winters was a young man, probably just slightly older than me. In the photo, he had caramel-colored hair with highlights and very brown, almost black eyes. I realized that Death Eaters obviously didn't know much about my physical looks, except the fact that I’m young. I sank back into the chair, dread gnawing at my insides. 

The Death Eaters attacked the Millennium Bridge because they knew from somewhere that Thomas Winters would be crossing it at that particular time of day. Their objective wasn’t to destroy the bridge itself or commit Muggle mass murder. The main goal was to kill me.


	24. Chapter 24

I managed to escape death on the Millenium Bridge, but that didn’t mean I was safe. After this incident, there were several times when I had to run for my life from attacks that were targeted at me. Every time I escaped by a whisker and I couldn’t have done it without the help of Fawkes. The phoenix simply knew when I needed him and never hesitated to come to my aid. 

My seemingly calm days were over and I felt like my life was hanging by a thread. That was Voldemort’s order – to end me once and for all whatever it takes. Death Eaters mercilessly murdered Muggles around me, anyone who happened to be near me was sentenced to death. However, they never used magic openly, and just like the strike at the Millenium Bridge, all the other attempts were masked by circumstances that could be taken for ordinary criminal activity or accidents.

The first time took place in a library that I visited to get additional literature for my studies. There were several people with me in the particular section and I was going through different books trying to find something that would help with an essay on the most important events in UK history. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, the walls caved in and the building around me started to break. I fell to the floor like everyone else, covering my head, trying to avoid the debris that came crashing down from the ceiling. In front of my eyes, people were literally smashed into bloody puddles by the heavy concrete blocks and panels. I coughed from the kicked up dust as the library was falling apart like a house of cards. 

And then, out of nowhere, Fawkes was there. Without delay, the phoenix grabbed me by the shoulder. A flash of dazzling light and when I reorientated, I was back in my room. Dirty, bruised, and scared, but alive.

The authorities claimed this catastrophe to be an unpredictable accident. The library was ancient, built nearly 200 years old and despite annual renovations, the building apparently simply couldn’t stand any longer. That’s what the government, architects, and investigators unanimously announced. Only I knew the truth. That library would have probably stood for another 200 years if I wasn’t there that day.

The Dark Wizards didn’t stop. Fueled by their deadly determination, they knew I wasn’t dead and each failed attempt apparently angered them more and more. The Death Eaters attacked the cafe I bought coffee from, my old high school when I went to submit the written tests and tasks, the movie theatre I went to see the latest blockbuster, and the new shopping center that opened just at the beginning of the year because I entered to buy flowers for my parents’ anniversary. 

Each disaster slashed a new wound in my heart. I felt a tremendous amount of shock and guilt. Eventually, I was afraid to set a foot outside my house and I was afraid to stay inside. I worried that the whole town would be destroyed because of me and I worried that they would demolish my home if I didn’t come out. The contradictions of whether I should tell my parents what was going on or not were tearing me apart. 

Magic appeared to me in an entirely different light. Once charmed by its wonders and unearthly possibilities, now I saw nothing more than death in it. I had never been suicidal before but during that time the possibility of taking my own life and end this before they could often seemed like the best option to me.

For a while, the victims were people I didn’t know personally. Then the circle started to enclose, invisibly, but evidently slinking closer and closer to my house. On April 10th, a family of seven were found dead in their house on my block. April 11th brought another grisly news – an elderly couple was found lifeless in their backyard, their house on the street parallel to mine. Since none of the bodies had any visible signs of struggle, the police didn’t consider it a homicide. According to the law enforcement, all the deceased were ” just dead ”, and assumed it had happened due to natural causes.

Ms. Haigh and I briefly discussed it when we ran into each other near our houses. The neighbor looked very different that day, I noticed that immediately. She was fresh and didn’t smell bad, her clothes were ironed and clean, her hair was washed and tied into a neat bun and the old slippers were switched for shiny oxford-type shoes. 

” Dear God, what’s going on in our town, Thomas? ” she was horrified as she read the newspaper. ” People falling dead for no reason. I don’t believe that health failed them all at the same time. ” 

I shrugged. ” No idea, ma’am. Police will take care of that, I guess. But what has happened to you? You seem to have bloomed. ”

She smiled a little and folded the newspaper. ” I decided to take your advice and stop drinking. It’s not easy, not at all, but I’m disposed to get my life in order. I have been sober for two weeks now and I signed up to Alcoholics Anonymous too. I don’t ever want to hallucinate again and then make a fool out of myself trying to tell people my sick illusions. ”

These were incredibly happy news and I smiled, not having done that for ages. I was genuinely glad Ms. Haigh had thought things over and understood that her addiction was indeed a problem. Even though her changes were based on lies and she would never find out that what she saw was real, I didn’t regret it. If my deception was what it took for her to make a radical transformation in her life, it was worth it. That’s what I thought, standing in her front yard. I didn’t know at the moment that it was the last time I would see my neighbor alive. 

The next day, April 12th, Ms. Haigh’s dead body was found by her daughter who had finally decided to visit her mother. Apparently, Ms. Haigh had died in her bed, and her house had not been broken into, so the police came to a conclusion that the elderly woman had died in her sleep. Their argument was that alcoholics can develop life-threatening conditions rapidly and her heart must have stopped. Her daughter, my parents, and the other neighbors all believed it, but not me. Ms. Haigh hadn’t been drinking for a good while. She wanted to get rid of her habit and her death wasn’t caused by a medical issue. They had killed her. Because she knew me.

On April 19th, I was sitting in my room alone. It was late afternoon and my parents and I had just returned from Ms. Haigh’s funeral. I felt as if I had lost someone very dear to me even though Ms. Haigh and my family had never been really close. Feeling immensely depressed and pondering over why did the neighbor had to die exactly when she was about to turn her life to the better side, I changed from my dress pants and shirt into usual jeans and T-shirt. That’s when Fawkes on top of my shelf suddenly started raging.

” Quit it, Fawkes! ” half-irritated I shushed the phoenix. ” I’m not in the mood for games right now. ”

But Fawkes didn’t listen. The phoenix seemed alarmed and spooked, the violent flopping of his large, scarlet wings pushed the books down from the shelf and created a sound, almost equal to the shriek that escaped his throat – agonizing, heartbreaking, deranged. It seemed as if the phoenix was in physical pain, tortured by an executioner or something. He had never behaved like this before and I snapped out of my somber thoughts. Had the phoenix fallen ill? 

” Calm down, Fawkes! What’s the matter with you? ” 

Fawkes flew down from the shelf and grabbed the feather from my pen holder, the same one he had left on the doorstep of my house months ago. Then he jumped into my lap, the long, curved claws painfully dug into my thighs. Chirping anxiously, Fawkes pushed the feather into my hand, pressed his soft, silky forehead against mine, and fell silent.

Confused as to what Fawkes was trying to tell me, I sat frozen in this position with a phoenix on my lap, our heads touching and my legs seemingly bleeding from the sharpness of his claws. And then, unanticipatedly, I heard a voice. A woman’s voice. It sounded unpleasant, gravelly, and honeyed at the same time. But I didn’t hear it with my ears. I heard it inside my mind. 

_” My Lord, I’d like to volunteer for this task. I want to kill the boy. ”_

My heart skipped a beat and before I could comprehend what I heard, another voice answered. A cold, shrill, sinister voice.

_” As inspiring as I find your bloodlust, Bellatrix, I must be the one to kill Harry Potter. ”_

Hearing Harry’s name made me want to howl in pain, yet I was glad he was apparently still alive. I knew that the male speaking was Voldemort. I realized I had already heard his voice before, in the dreams that haunted me when I was in Hogwarts, the dreams due to which Dumbledore separated Harry and me. 

_” But you, Bella, will have another, no less important task, ”_ Voldemort continued. _” Go and kill Thomas. Seems like you’re the only one who won’t fail. As long as the mudblood’s alive, I can never truly be in peace. If he won’t live to serve me, he won’t live at all. ”_

The woman, Bellatrix, cackled in an unfathomable satisfaction like a child who’s allowed to skip a day of school. Then their voices became distant, unclear, and muffled as if some sort of connection had been lost. Fawkes moved his head away and cried out. He was warning me of incoming danger.

Over time, I had learned to relatively communicate with Fawkes very much like with a human. If phoenix nodded, it meant ” yes ” and if he shook the crest of feathers on top of his head, it meant ” no. ” Fawkes understood human speech perfectly even if he wasn’t able to answer audibly. 

” Is she coming here? ” I asked the phoenix, my voice trembling with every word. 

Fawkes nodded and my heart fell into a black abyss. I didn’t know at the time that Bellatrix was the most devoted follower of Voldemort, loyal like a dog and would do anything to please her lord. Nonetheless, the concept of having a Dark Witch not only in my neighborhood but inside my own house was enough to sweat with fear. Maybe she was the one who murdered Ms. Haigh and now, now it was my turn.

” Today? ” I asked and Fawkes nodded. 

” When? At the night? ” 

Fawkes shook his head. 

” In an hour? Two hours? Three hours? ” 

The scarlet feathers danced furiously as Fawkes was shaking his head. He lifted one foot and started to knock onto the side of my nightstand with his claw. One, two, three...ten times. Horror caught me in its jaws. 

” Ten minutes? ” I asked and Fawkes nodded.

Feeling nothing but the blind terror I dashed downstairs, my legs wobbly with fear. Suddenly I wasn’t worried about Bellatrix’s arrival anymore. Whatever happens, happens, I thought. But I wasn’t alone in the house. My parents were here as well and killing them in front of me would probably be a dessert for the Dark Witch. I had to get them as far from the house as possible in a short amount of time and in my head, I pleaded they wouldn’t start to argue with me. Only 9 minutes were left. 

” Mum! Dad! You have to leave immediately! ” I yelled from the top step already. ” You need to go now! ”

My parents were sitting in the living room, still in the formal clothes they wore at the funeral. _Great_ , I thought, _at least they won’t have to spend time changing_. They looked understandably mournful, as they knew Ms. Haigh for a long time, since they moved into this house which was years before I was even born. My scream visible startled them and they both looked at me with their eyes widened in surprise. 

” What’s wrong, Thomas? ” my mother asked. ” Why are you acting so bizarre? This is not a time for jokes, at all. ”

” You need to leave the house, both of you! ” I urged, my voice much louder than I’d like it to be. ” A witch is coming here after me. An evil witch. You need to go or she’ll kill you too. ”

” A witch, here? And an evil one? Well, let her try! ” my father got up, sounding way too courageous for my liking. ” I’ll put her in her place. I’m the man of the house after all! ”

Maybe the death of Ms.Haigh fueled him in the wrong direction and made him think that here, in his house, my father was invincible and will protect his family like an Alpha male. I looked at my watch. 8 minutes were left and I started to despair, knowing how stubborn my father could be when he believed in something and how difficult it was to convince him otherwise. 

” You cannot do anything to stop her, dad. We’re Muggles, remember? Magic is not all about turning salt and pepper shakers into pretty butterflies or making the dishes wash for you. There are plenty of dark spells that can make you drop dead instantly. ”

” Well, but how can we simply leave like this, Thomas, ” my mother stood up, speaking as if she’d want to scold me but her hands were clutching nervously, betraying her real emotions. ” Let us pack some stuff, at least. Clothes, food, toiletries... ” 

” No time for that, ” I interrupted her impatiently. 7 minutes were left. ” She’ll be here in a bit more than 5 minutes. You’ll buy everything on the way. ”

” Yeah, you think we’re so rich, don’t you, ” my father muttered under his breath and then glanced at me suspiciously, ” also, what does it mean – _you’ll_ buy everything? ”

I sighed. ” It means you’re going without me. I’m staying here. ”

My parents both gazed at me with their eyes gaped and I could see the blood leaving mother’s face, making her pale as a paper. For the first time in a very long time, my father was visibly scared, his confidence gone and he almost looked shrunken. Still fairly lacking the understanding of how magic worked, they knew that the fate I was trying to spare them from was going to happen to me. It was like watching your child heading on a suicide mission to avoid you being slaughtered instead. 6 minutes were left.

” No, Thomas! ” my mother embraced me tightly and I could see the glint of tears forming in the inner corner of her eyes. ” I absolutely refuse to leave you here alone with her! Just because I can’t do magic, doesn’t mean I can’t put up a fight. Your dad and me, we’ll protect you with all we got! How could you think we would leave without you? ”

For a moment, I saw an image of Harry’s mother in my mind. A young woman with bright green eyes and dark red hair guarding the cradle of her newborn son and dying at the hands of the cruelest wizard just because she refused to step aside. I could see Lily Potter in my mother’s eyes only I wasn’t going to allow her to make the sacrifice Harry’s mother made for him. 5 minutes were left.

” No point for me to join you, mum. She wants to kill me and wherever I go, she’ll follow. But I won’t be alone. I have Fawkes. ”

I was raised quite strictly and my parents didn’t always give in to my demands. As a child, I was taught what the word ” no ” meant sooner than I was able to walk. At times, it irritated the hell out of me, especially when I was forbidden to do something most of my peers were allowed to do. Normally those were things that wouldn’t be very beneficial to me, but my childish mind turned a deaf ear to that. It was only when I got older when I realized that everything they did was for my wellbeing only. 

Mother and father were good at telling the difference between when I was being capricious and when I really meant what I was saying. In the case of the first, I was usually told to calm down and think about my behavior. This time, however, they didn’t object, because they had seen the wonders of magic too and knew I wasn’t joking. 4 minutes were left.

We hurried outside and father drove the car out of the garage. My parents took nothing with them except for their outdoor clothes, wallets, and phones. I prayed that our car had enough fuel in it and won’t die at the next corner, making my efforts futile. Looking into the house through the window, I saw Fawkes sitting on the windowsill. The phoenix was waiting for both me and Bellatrix. And at that moment I got the answer to the question that preoccupied my head from time to time – why did Fawkes come to me to begin with? _Magic will always come to your aid when you need it_ , Dumbledore’s words echoed in my memory. The headmaster had sent his phoenix for my protection so that I wouldn’t be alone when I return to the Muggle world.

” Just keep driving and don’t stop for anything, ” I said glancing at my watch. 3 minutes were left. ” Don’t stop until you’re out of the town. She’s not coming for you, so I think you should be fine as long as you’re outside the area. I’ll call you when it’s safe to come back. And if I never call you...then never return and just know that I love you. ”

Mother started to cry and seeing her tears was ripping my heart in half. Ever since I was a more or less reasonable child, I had promised myself that my mother would never cry because of me. And here she was, weeping tears of the size of peas. Because of me. 

The hug from my father caught me by surprise. I couldn’t remember the last time we hugged, normally my father limited himself to patting my shoulder or back only. But he obviously realized what I knew as well – that this might be the last time we see each other’s faces. Mother had told me several times how much father had wanted a son when they were young and how he was crying the tears of happiness when I was born. He had gotten a son only to lose him 18 years later. 2 minutes were left. 

” I’m so proud of you, Thomas, ” he said in a choking voice. ” Very proud. ” 

” Go, ” I answered. There was no time to waste on farewell. ” Hurry up. ”

One minute was left when our car’s engine whirred loudly and the tires screeched. It gained speed fast, dashed away, and soon become nothing but a dot in the distance. I watched it, feeling relieved I had managed to keep my parents out of the battlefield and spared them the sight of their son getting murdered. Because that’s what I was sure was going to happen to me. I couldn’t stand against a witch. After all, I was nothing but a Muggle. 

Fawkes cried out shrilly. I ran back inside and closed the door behind me, feeling alone and hopeless, my hands cold and clammy and my heart thudding a hundred beats per minute. The thoughts of what the hell was I going to do flooded my head like a tsunami. Half mad with terror I paced back and forth all over the living room, even though I probably should have hidden somewhere. But what was the point of it? It wasn’t gonna be like she would walk inside, glance around and leave just because I wasn’t in her field of vision.

And then a swooshing crack made me jump out of my skin. The sound came from the front yard and I knew what it was. The first time I heard it was when professor McGonagall and Dumbledore came here a year ago to introduce me to the magical world. It was a noise caused by Apparation – a method of traveling in the wizarding world. Professor McGonagall and the headmaster used it to leave my house and now someone used it to arrive.


	25. Chapter 25

I managed to catch a glimpse of my front door being blown out of the hinges with an earsplitting boom. It was accompanied by a derisive laughter and I slipped around the corner of my kitchen before I could make out a figure in the doorway. My heart was racing and cold sweat covered me from head to toe. I clenched my teeth to stop them from chattering and as I was feeling the kitchen counter for some kind of weapon, my trembling hands almost overturned a box of food utensils. Had they fallen on to the floor, the typical metallic jingling would disclose my location immediately. Gryffindor house, my ass. I was anything but brave. And how the hell else was I suppose to feel when there was a death in my house?

I heard the clacks of high-heel shoes walking through the hallway and stopping. Maybe she actually expected me to sit right in front of the door, awaiting her with my arms wide. Quietly I moved further into the kitchen, as she could see me if she walked just a little to the right. But instead, Bellatrix went right into the living room after taking a moment to look around. A nameless dread engulfed me as I imagined she could Apparate right in front of me. 

” Thomas? ” she called in an unbelievably sweet, friendly voice that had underlying tones of offensiveness and forgery. ” Where are you, Tommy? ” 

Feeling like I might throw up, I bit my lower lip hard enough to taste blood. Breathing silently, I listened as Bellatrix turned towards the stairs and walked to the second floor. Moments later, banging, crashing, and breaking sounds rocked the house to the point of the white plastering falling down from the ceiling. She was obviously rampaging through all the rooms, looking for me, destroying every little thing that happened to be in her way. Thank Heavens I managed to get my parents out of here! And Fawkes was gone too. Right at the most inappropriate moment. 

My eyes ran over the kitchen, desperately looking for something that could be used as a weapon. A lot of things caught the eye – pans made of cast iron, a variety of knives, a cutting board, vinegar, and cleaning products. But that could work against regular intruders, those who didn’t have magic running through their veins. That’s when it fully dawned on me how much I was actually afraid of death. I didn’t want to die, but the witch in my house didn’t give a damn about what I want. The coffee pot on the stove was cold and empty, everything just the way my parents left it. And I felt they would never come back to it. 

” I will find you, Tommy! ” Bellatrix screamed, the steps thumped as she ran downstairs, her voice full of venom where not a single drop of sanity could be found. ” I will find you, Muggle boy! ”

She had already been in the living room and the hallway. The bathroom, a small guestroom, and the rooms of me and my parents were all upstairs and she had gone through them as well. The only thing left on the first floor was the kitchen, one place she hadn’t checked yet. The high-heel shoes clacked around the living room for a moment and then the sound turned towards the kitchen, slowly, but steady. I panicked and did the only thing I could think of – hide. The tablecloth that covered our round kitchen table was so long it touched the floor. It might shield me, at least for a moment, so that I wouldn’t immediately be in her sight when she walked in. Quickly, I dove under the table.

I held my breath as Bellatrix entered the kitchen. She stood on the doorstep for a while and then started to circle the room. I was frozen in a kneeling position under the table, my heart beating like a drum, so wildly it almost felt like a heart attack. All she had to do was move the tablecloth and I would be as good as dead. The fabric was non-transparent and I couldn’t see what was happing, but I could hear it instead. Her prowling the kitchen resembled a robber in the house. The doors of cupboards were being opened, the drawers pulled out, the washed mugs and plates knocked over the counter and shattering onto the floor. 

I don’t know if Bellatrix thought I could be folded like a towel on the shelf or squeezed between the spoons and forks somewhere, but she kept scanning the kitchen step by step, one thing after another. And then, just as I thought she would finally look under the table, Bellatrix suddenly turned and hurried out of the kitchen. No idea what I sighed for. Nothing was over yet. 

” I know you’re here, Tommy, ” she called from the living room. ” Don’t you try to fool me. Not polite to make a lady wait, not gentlemanly at all. ”

My knees started to ache from the prolonged contact with the hard tile floor and I wondered how long will this time. Sooner or later, she will find me or I’ll make a noise and she’ll come after me. What kind of game of hide and seek was this? Bangs, thuds, and cracks came from the living room, signifying our possessions being destroyed. And then I heard the sound of the sewing machine. First, it was whirring lightly, metal scraping against metal as the needle met the fabric that wasn’t there. Later the rhythm accelerated and the ticks turned into constant, monotone buzzing. Tap-tap-tap and over this sound that was so familiar and endearing to me, Bellatrix was laughing her deranged, ghoulish chuckle. 

Raw anger shot through me and fury roared through my mind, quickening my blood. It was my mother’s sewing machine, a vintage item that she got as a gift from her mother who was also a seamstress. It was something that belonged to a person I loved a lot, something that had created so many garments for me, my father, and many other people. As a child, I used to take a nap on the living room sofa after school and I loved listening to the sewing machine working as it lulled me to sleep. It was a thing that my mother’s hands have touched and now this damned demoness was staining it, dishonoring the memories that were so dear to me. 

I left my hideout. With my parents gone, I was now the man of the house. And no decent house owner would be crouching under the table while some skunk hustled through their home.

In the living room, Bellatrix was entertaining herself like a small child, tapping the sewing machine with her wand, grinning at the different sounds the device made. The typical wizardkind illiteracy when it came to Muggle technology. It disgusted me. Bellatrix seemed to be so infatuated she didn’t hear my steps as I entered the living room. 

” Take your fucking hands off that, ” I said when Bellatrix messed with the sewing machine more and more. 

She turned around swiftly and our faces met for the first time. Bellatrix was a tall woman with long, thick, dark hair. Her heavy-lidded eyes pierced into mine and thin lips formed a satisfied smirk. She was what you would expect a witch to look like. Other female witches that I had met, like professor McGoganall or Hermione, resembled ordinary women and those who didn’t know, wouldn’t be able to tell they’re witches. Not this one. Her black corset, long skirt, laced-up combat-esque boots, and claw-like, dark-polished nails all screamed ” evil ”. 

” So you’re Thomas? I expected you to look different, ” she said, twirling her wand between her fingers. I didn’t let my eyes off it. ” Don’t you know how to say ” hello ” to a guest? ” 

” No, bitch, you’re in my house. The one who visits must greet first. ”

Bellatrix pouted, pretending insulted. ” Rude. A young man like you should have some manners. Watch your mouth when speaking to a lady. ” 

” I know how to speak to ladies and I also know how to speak to tramps. You do the math of which category you fall into. ”

Bellatrix’s cold gaze pierced into me like a sword and I never let my eyes wander away from her when she turned her back at me and walked along with the living room. I knew I could expect anything from her at any moment. Bellatrix was like an apex predator, a wild animal that’s lying in ambush, waiting to attack. Her fingers traced the long lace curtains at the window and with a repulsed expression, she wiped her hands on her skirt. She looked as if she was standing in a dumpsite, full of rotting shit. That’s how purebloods felt about Muggles.

” We couldn’t really locate you, Tommy. And we needed you, very much. Where were you all this time? ” 

” In a place where neither you nor Voldemort could step as much as half-a-foot into. ” 

Bellatrix spun around instantly. Her face scowled into an enraged mask, her upper lip rose, baring her teeth like a snarl and hellish flames ignited into the eyes that stared at me from the heavy eyelids. 

” How dare you speak his name, you filthy mudblood! ” she howled, infuriated, the former fake politeness gone into in a second. ” _Crucio! _”__

__

__

It happened too fast. All I saw was Bellatrix raising her wand, a brief flash of red light and suddenly I was on fire. Reading about the Unforgivable Curses and experiencing them on your own skin were two incomparable things. The pain was unearthly, unimaginable, unendurable. I felt as I was being cut in half, beaten by a mob, ran over by a bus, trampled by raging bulls, immersed in acid. And all of that at the same time. I collapsed to the floor, screaming out to my empty house. Through the pain in my ears, I heard Bellatrix above me, laughing maniacally, savoring the moment. 

Then it stopped, the pain vanished without a trace. I was lying on my back on the living room floor, breathing hard in relief but as I was about to get up, Bellatrix’s boot on my chest slammed me back to the ground. 

” Were you in Hogwarts? Did that old goat Dumbledore help you? Too bad he’s rotting in his grave now. No one can protect you anymore, Tommy. You didn’t seriously think you’ll escape the Dark Lord forever, did you? ”

I lifted my head to look her in the eyes. ” Dumbledore was a wizard Voldemort can only dream of becoming. Your lord fucking blew his chance with my soul, couldn’t even come close to the castle. Don’t you compare them. Voldemort is a piece of shit next to Dumbledore. ” 

A sharp heel dug into my sternum as Bellatrix kicked me and pronounced the incantation one more time. I screamed and rolled on the floor, the waves of torment splitting my head in two, my limbs caught in a vice, each twisted the opposite way. How could someone even invent this monstrosity of a spell? Who could have been so damn cruel? Then it stopped again. Bellatrix leaned over me and I could unmistakably see the gleam of hatred, repugnance, and outrage in her black eyes.

” The Dark Lord trusted me with a very important task – to kill you. And I will, have no doubt about that. But it can happen fast or the other way round. That depends on you, Tommy. If you plead nicely, maybe, just maybe I might let you die as painlessly as possible.” 

” Go fuck yourself, bitch, ” I hissed through clenched teeth, ” I won’t plead for anything! ” 

Bellatrix shook her head in a regretful manner and pointed her wand towards me again. ” Oh my. I wanted to show you some mercy which I don’t normally do, but with a language like this, we’ll continue for a long, long time. But I’m not in a hurry, so have it your way. ”

My sense of time was lost and my thoughts were scattered like dandelion seeds in wind. I didn’t know for how long it went on but to me, it felt like forever. Bellatrix had made herself comfortable on the sofa, her boots pressed against the neat cushions my mother had made. I was on the floor, unable to stand or even to move a finger. My throat was sore and parched, I wasn’t able to scream anymore but when I could, Bellatrix took a twisted, morbid pleasure in it. Every shriek of mine was like music to her ears. The louder I screamed, the happier she looked. The sadistic witch was sprawled on the sofa relaxed and waved her wand like a conductor, leading the excruciating curse through my body. The breaks became shorter and shorter, I couldn't as much as take a breath when a new avalanche of suffering surged through me. 

I thought I might eventually get used to it. People could get used to chronic pain, never stop feeling it, but learn to ignore it to an extent. But it was impossible to get used to this. It hurt so much that my whole life wasn’t worth it. Nothing was worth it. I wanted to die. To never be born. And I had to admit that despite my principles I was extremely close to begging for her to kill me and end this agony. I never did though. But I prayed in my head. I prayed to God whose existence I had never acknowledged before. _Let me die, please, let me die _, in my mind, I repeated it over and over like a mantra.__

__” If you were in Hogwarts, did you happen to meet Longbottom by any chance? ” Bellatrix asked, giving me another pause._ _

__I didn’t answer but hearing the last name of Neville was strangely relieving. The round, kind face of my housemate arose in my memory. I wondered where was he now and how was he doing. Giving his gentle nature, it could be hard for him to deal with the war._ _

__” You see, his parents were Aurors. Highly respected among wizards with this absurd, silly idea in their heads that they’re so efficient they could defeat the Dark Lord. And where are they now? In the nuthouse, both totally loony. Due to this particular spell, by the way. As you can see, it’s very powerful. ”_ _

__I listened to the fate of Longbottoms and Bellatrix giggled as if recalling a particularly nice memory. I had never thought Neville has gone through something so horrendous. To have parents who don’t even recognize you must be worse than have them dead. In Hogwarts I was obsessed with Harry and Neville was just a familiar face I swapped a few words with every now and then. I should have given him more attention. The despise for Bellatrix grew inside me like a wildfire._ _

__” Actually, ” she said with a tint of eagerness, ” you’re lasting longer than they did. I’m impressed. How about a little experiment, Tommy? Let’s see how long before you break just like them. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you in such a miserable condition they’re in. As soon as you become unresponsive, I will kill you. Pinky promise. ”_ _

” Fuck you and your lord too. Tell the motherfucker I said it. ” 

Bellatrix gnarled like a cat that’s been disturbed at the wrong time. ” You remind me of Potter. The same cocky confidence. At least he’s a wizard. You have no reason for it at all. ” 

She smiled a devilish grin and stood up above me, pointing her wand at me. I closed my eyes tight and waited for the ruthless _Crucio_ , helpless. I thought about everything and everyone, people I have met, places I have seen, and things I have done in my so short life. I remembered Harry’s face, the first time he kissed me, the night on the Astronomy Tower, the Christmas with him. I wanted him to be the last thing in my mind, the last thing I think about before losing my life.

However, nothing happened. I opened my eyes to find Bellatrix watching her inner left forearm. There, contrasting sharply with her white skin, was what looked like a massive tattoo of a snake, protruding from a skull. It was squirming ghastly and my stomach constricted just from one look at it. 

” My lord’s calling me, ” she said mournfully, ” pity I don’t have more time to play with you, Tommy. It was fun, wasn’t it? ” 

I stared back at the wand that was pointed directly in my face, realizing I had gotten what I asked for – no more torture. Just a quick, painless death. Voldemort summoning her had robbed Bellatrix of the chance of tormenting me till insanity. In a way, the dark wizard had answered my prayers instead of God. 

” It was a pleasure to meet you, Thomas Winters. An incredibly useful Muggle you could have been. But no one gets to trick the Dark Lord and get away with it, boy. _Avada Kedavra!_ ”

Three things happened simultaneously. Fawkes’ cry pierced the air, Bellatrix’s arm swung to the right and a jet of bright green light missed me by inches. It hit the TV instead, blasting the device to pieces. I covered my head to avoid the flying debris and rolled to my knees to an astonishing view. Bellatrix stood in the middle of the room, trying to wave away Fawkes who was soaring around her head, his long golden beak dashing into her face again and again. His claws grabbed at her long hair, pulling, tugging, scratching. Bellatrix flailed her arms in an attempt to hit the phoenix who was way more agile and evaded her strikes easily. 

” Get away from me, stupid bird! Get away! ” she yelled with her eyes squinted, trying to protect them from being gouged by Fawkes sharp beak. 

Fawkes dived down, aiming at Bellatrix’s right arm. She screeched so loudly my eardrums almost ruptured and I was scared to look up again. Judging by the sound she made, Fawkes might have ripped her arm off. But no. Fawkes was nowhere near her anymore. The phoenix was gliding high above our heads, his wings flapping majestically. In one clawed foot, Fawkes was holding Bellatrix’s wand. 

I laughed, unable to hold it in. Bellatrix’s gaze followed Fawkes in a blind rage, incapable of doing anything else but watch. The phoenix didn’t completely defeat the Dark Witch for me. He only made us equal. No more Cruciatus or Killing Curses. No more pureblood supremacy. I knew that Fawkes had done his job. Now this was entirely my fight.

” Wow, ” I said turning against Bellatrix, ” a piece of wood and all the power you had over me is gone. Now you’re just like me. ” 

She growled like a wounded animal and her hand delved between the folds of her multi-layered skirt. Something metallic shined for a split second. Bellatrix lunged at me and a sudden, intense pain stung my stomach just above the belly button. I looked down to see crimson red blood blooming on my white T-shirt and trickling over my side. Bellatrix crouched over me and I gave every little strength I had left to push her off. My right arm was pinned under her knee. My left arm was fighting against her hand that held a silver dagger in it, angling at my throat. The blade was stained with blood, my blood. 

” I’m like you? What are you saying? ” she said, leaning so close she was breathing right next to my cheek. ” You’re nothing. A stinky Muggle. No wand. No powers. And dirty blood. ”

” There’s no such thing as dirty blood, ” I answered with a phrase that once came from someone I loved and was still loving. ” This mentality will be the undoing of Voldemort. ” 

” Don’t you speak his name, ” Bellatrix pushed down harder and I managed to block her arm just an inch from my Adam’s apple. The strands of her long hair were dropping in my face. ” You’re unworthy of uttering this name with your mudblood mouth. No way will I let you grow old, Thomas, not you, who was supposed to serve the Dark Lord. ”

Her long nails dug into my wrist and I slackened in pain. The tip of the dagger grazed against my neck. I was exhausted from being exposed to the Cruciatus Curse for such a long period and for a woman, Bellatrix was strong. A drop of blood rolled down my skin and under the collar of my T-shirt. My mind became foggy and the dagger slowly sank lower and lower.

Then over her shoulder, I saw Fawkes. The phoenix was circling the room, his coal-black eyes following the fight between us. Fawkes reminded me of Dumbledore and Dumbledore reminded me of Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat thought long and hard about which house to put me in, yet it chose Gryffindor. The house of the brave, chivalrous and daring. In my memory, I saw the four long tables, the small wooden stool, and the Sorting Hat whispering in my ear ” _Lots of courage, you’re very brave indeed. Strong heart, no fear._ ” No matter how dirty Bellatrix believed my blood to be, I was a Gryffindor. 

I strained every nerve in my body and in one abrupt move forced the dagger back upwards, hitting Bellatrix under the chin. Unprepared, she gasped and leaned back. I used this opportunity to pull my arm from underneath her knee and slammed my fist into her jaw. Never had I thought I would hit a woman, but this time it wasn’t important. It was my life or hers. 

Bellatrix fell backward, blood oozing from the split lip. The dagger fell out of her hand. Her nails scraped the floorboards, her thick, bushy hair messed wildly around her head like a mane, her lips sneering back, revealing the unkempt teeth. She didn’t resemble human at all anymore. She was a beast, a dangerous savage craving for my death. As Voldemort's lapdog, she couldn’t afford to lose.

The Dark Witch leaped like a tiger, pushing me hard to the floor. My head hit the coffee table, tipping it over. The clay vase with flowers in it fell down but didn’t break and when I reached for it, Bellatrix sank her teeth into my shoulder. I shoved my elbow in her chest, hard enough to make her let go of the bite, but Bellatrix wasn’t going to give up that easily. Her ice-cold fingers wrapped tightly around my throat, long fingernails tearing deep wounds in the back of my neck. I panted in pain, struggling for breath. Bellatrix was on top of me, strangling my neck, her face morphed into a terrible gorgon mask. 

I couldn’t breathe, my body had taken notice of that. The arteries pulsated hard, resounding in loud booms throughout my head. My empty lungs had a seizure, contracting painfully in the ribcage. Her hands were like two pieces of iron and I unsuccessfully tried to pull them off. My vision started to blacken and colorful patches emerged in front of my eyes. The brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen and I was beginning to feel lightheaded. A few more moments and I knew I would lose consciousness.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw something glistening. The dagger. It lied on the floor not very far away from me. I stretched my arm in its direction. Bellatrix didn’t notice or didn’t pay attention, forgotten about her weapon, feeling she’s so close to victory. My fingers felt the floor feverishly. Nothing. Was it further than I thought? My chest was burning, I had to breathe. I couldn't move as much as half-an-inch with Bellatrix on top of me, my left hand still trying to pry open her choking digits, my right hand reaching for the dagger. 

And just as I felt my heart shuddering in its last beats, my fingertips brushed against the metallic, ornament-decorated handle.

Bellatrix only managed to blink once. I didn’t hesitate. Snatching the dagger and thrusting it in the pit of her stomach took me less than a second. Bellatrix’s hands let go of my neck and I inhaled deeply and sharply, the smell of fresh blood hit my nostrils. I heard the leather fabric ripping as the dagger drove through her heart to the hilt. Again. And again. For me. For Neville. Blood gushed out in hot streams and ran over my hands, my T-shirt that was once white. Now it was soaked with blood. Mine. Hers.

Bellatrix’s mouth fell agape and her eyes bugged wide, almost jumping out of her head. She pressed her hand against the wound in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding, the wine red blood dripping from under her fingers. I pushed hard and Bellatrix didn’t fight anymore, she tumbled off of me and landed on her back. Blood flowed from underneath her torn corset like lava from an erupting volcano, spurting on the floor, the carpets, the furniture. She opened and closed her mouth without sound, resembling a fish that has been pulled out of the water, her eyes rolling around like a rabid animal. 

I rose to my feet and our looks met for the last time. Bellatrix stared deep into my eyes and tried one more time to grab me, except this movement was so feeble that all I had to do was kick her arm away. 

” You revolting little mudblood, ” she uttered through her teeth, the whole hate in her concentrating in this phrase. 

Her head lolled for a few times, her breathing became stertorous and all at once, it ceased. Bellatrix, the experienced and powerful witch who Voldemort was sure would end my life, was dead. By her own dagger at the hands of Muggle. No even pureblood ancestry and magic that she had inherited could prevent death. 

The dagger fell out of my hand and I fell into one of the blood-splattered armchairs as the reality struck me like a thunderbolt. I had killed and now there was a corpse in my house that I couldn’t get rid of. Which meant police would appear here sooner or later. Which meant I would be arrested for murder as nobody would believe the horror story about an evil witch that came to kill me and I killed her defending myself. Not that I would ever tell it. I would never mention a word about magic even if had to rot in prison.

Fawkes flew into my lap, his wise pearl-like eyes watching me. Phoenix had carefully followed the battle between me and Bellatrix but intervened only once. Saving me from everything wasn’t part of Dumbledore’s orders. The phoenix only had to defend me against the Killing Curse. Everything else was in my own hands. 

Fawkes carefully took the edge of my T-shirt in his beak and pulled it up. There, all across my stomach was a long, ruby red wound, slashed by the same dagger that killed Bellatrix. It wasn’t too deep but seeped blood nonetheless and my T-shirt was more red than white. The phoenix bent his head and clear, crystal-like tears began to roll from his eyes onto my cut. Where they fell, my skin started to heal, pain disappeared, the injury closed and new tissues grew over it. I kissed Fawkes’ neck, silky like a soft down duvet.

Still holding Bellatrix’s wand, Fawkes jumped on top of her body. For a moment I was scared she might be pretending to be dead and seize Fawkes in her claws, but she didn’t move once. The phoenix Disapparated in blazing, dazzling flame, taking Bellatrix’s corpse with him. I didn’t know where he went, but I was sure he would be back.


End file.
